I’m tired I’m dirty, everything’s fine..

I did some unfriending last night, and it felt really good to let some of the past go. Every time I see those faces a part of me wonders if I have been forgiven for who I was, and the mistakes I made, over a decade ago. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t be a different person, I can never change my past, but I know I have become a better version of the mess that is me.

I drank a lot in my early 20’s. I was selfish, and did/said awful things to some really good people. I never asked these people if they have forgotten, or at least forgiven, but yesterday I realized they have not. That people can hold grudges for a long time. I friended Cody, to say let’s not focus on the misery certain decisions make. Let’s remember the good, those few conversation we had and really connected. Before you met your beautiful love and left me in the dust.

Not everyone can do that.

I was 22, I fucked up a LOT. I learned things on my own, things my mother was too busy, and my father was too absent to teach me. I didn’t think about how others, or even how my own actions could hurt me the most. I had a dream about DLM last night, the man I moved to San Francisco with in 2005. I’m sure some of this brought up the past, and memories of him, but there were no bad feelings between us in the dream. I only knew he would leave again, and I would miss him. This man in his 40’s, as lost as I was, but with a sense of responsibility that I did not have. I wonder if he got it together, if he found whatever makes him happy.

He was supposed to make me a CD to listen to on my drive to across the country, in 2010, then he disappeared again. No more emails, nothing. Of all the people I wish would stay and help me through all of this, he leaves. That’s just in his nature. I guess that’s why we got a long so well. But I drank, a lot. We lived above a bar. I clung to him and when he left I clung to Bill and his constant pot smoking, never having any idea what was good for me.

So last night I looked at Chris and realized why I love being with him so much. He doesn’t ask about my past. He doesn’t assume knowing someone’s past helps you understand who they are. The only past I bring up is of my family, and I think that has effected who I am more than anything else. The people I’ve slept with, the drunk nights and the wandering around the city aimlessly. The hotel with the cockroaches, and waking up in the hospital with nobody there to tell me what the fuck happened, none of that needs to be shared. That is not who I am. Not with Chris, and not ever again.

He loves me regardless of my past, and that is what I have been needing for a long time.