January 30, 2017

To start on a positive note, today is my oldest nieces birthday.  Madison is 11 today.  <3

I made amends with my mom about 4 years ago.  I did it for my son.  It was a good 7 years or so before that that we had really spoken last. So much hurt and pain I had.   I always thought I didn’t really matter to her.  So much I needed from her, emotionally, that I never got.  Noah was almost 3 I think when I felt the Lord telling me to fix it.  I had to set aside my feelings and move forward.  She never understood how I felt.  I just needed to forgive and more on.  So I did.  I wrote her a letter, never expecting her to respond.  But she did.  Now here we are.

The pain still lingers sometimes.   Especially when she does things in the now that she did way back when.   It triggers a world of emotion and all my old feelings come flooding back again.  Its like a knife in my heart.

For instance, my mom didn’t even get me a card for my last birthday.  Nothing, nada.   I watched her through this past year give everyone else something, even if it was small.  My husband even got a gift this year.  I try to let it go, but its so hard.   Its not like its the first time she’s done that to me either.   I feel like I get the crap end of the stick for my birthday from everyone.  I have people over or do something for my husband every year.  I’ve had a get together for my brother the past couple years.  We threw my mom a surprise 50th.    My birthday comes and goes.  Its overshadowed by Memorial day and my son’s birthday is only 3 days after mine.  No one did anything for me when I turned 30.  Nothing.  Even if we go out to dinner, I pay for it.  Am I wrong to want someone/anyone to just do something nice for me for my birthday? Do I expect to much as a card from my mother?  I don’t know.  I’m a giver and a doer.   And according to the Word I should be a doer and a giver without expecting anything in return and for the most part I do, but on special occasions it’s hard not to feel hurt or upset.

Another thing that bothers me is, she doesn’t call to take her grandson, ever.  She’s taken him once in the past year.    Doesn’t take her other grand-kids either.  Shes always too busy doing other things or with other people.  But claims family is the most important thing.   The only person that takes my son regularly is my paternal grandfather.   He picks Noah up from the bus just about once a week and takes him swimming at the gym. I don’t know whats going to happen when it comes time for my grandfather to leave this earth.  My mother in law takes Noah sometimes but not regularly.  He has no other grandfathers or grandparents that spend time with him. My biological father isn’t in the picture and I’ll save that for another entry. It sucks.

I don’t know where I was going with this entry.   I guess the issues I have concerning my mom are just bothering me right now.  They come and go.  I think the enemy is toying with my emotions as I am trying to grow deeper in my relationship with the Lord.  Ugh.