Hindsight …

"You know, I think you could benefit from Xanax."

Famous last words from my GYN.

Apparently I presented to her with a *touch* of anxiety.

Ha! Those of you who know me, who have been reading me for years, know my stance on anti-anxiety, anti-depressant drugs. For you newbies … I don’t believe in them. I think they are just a mask and prevent one from being able to reach the root of the problem and fix the problem.

Please do not leave biased, opinionated comments on your own personal experiences with these drugs. Not that I don’t care, but this is MY diary, based on MY own experiences, yours do not matter to this entry.

Anyway, so back at the end of Jan. I went in for all my yearly stuff. I got lucky in finding a GYN who was willing to work with ALL my issues, not just the female ones, that cause me to have to be seen by multiple doctors. After reciting my extensive history, she ran all the necessary blood work, ordered my yearly thyroid ultrasound (that I was not able to do back in Sept. due to Hubby retiring & us moving), my mammogram, everything. Everything came back normal. 

o.Ô

Guess I’m not too surprised because we wouldn’t want her to think that I know my own body or anything. But I have faith in my body and when she least expects it, when her guard is down, my blood work will come back as hypothyroid and all kinds of other fun stuff. That’ll teach her to trust her expensive medical tests instead of me! LOL

But seriously, my thyroid ultrasound did show that one of the 2 cysts on the right side is gone. Whether it dissolved on its own, was absorbed by the other cyst, or what have you, it is gone and I only have to have the 1 monitored. The radiologist did recommend another biopsy on it and I flat out refused. One, can’t afford it since we are no longer Tricare Prime, two, it is too painful, three, a third biopsy will not show anything that the first two biopsies didn’t already show. So there. No biopsy.

Then we discussed my recent frequency of monthly cycles. As in going from every 30 days to every 15-17 days. She seemed to think my body had a very much delayed reaction to the stress of the move. I begged to differ with her and explained that of all the moves, that was one of the easiest ones we had had. So then she decided to put me on Provera (a mild hormone) to see if that could get me back on a normal track. It did. With all kinds of fun side effects to go with it. The Child, bless her heart, would turn around and look at me and say, "Are you on them pills again?!" Because I only took them for 10 days out of the month. It brought out my night sweats so severe that one morning when we woke up, Hubby looked at the sheets and then looked at me and said, "What the hell is wrong with you?"  Fun times.

So I went in for my 3 month follow up for the Provera. *I* decided to come off of it. The side effects were not worth the non-existent monthly cycles. She of course thought I was crazy. But we have already known that about me for years, haven’t we my dear sweet friends? lol So now we wait 3 months for the hormones to work their way back out, see what my cycles do and then she wants to do a biopsy in September. Depending on the results of the biopsy, she wants to perform either another endometrial ablation or a hysterectomy. None of those procedures are financially feasible anytime in the next few years so we’ll see what happens in September.

So during this particular visit, and discussing these upcoming "procedures", and past experiences with the endometrial biopsy & ablation, and normal day to day issues in my life, it was then that she made the comment that I could benefit from Xanax. I laughed it off and eventually left her office with NO prescription for Provera or Xanax.

Now, I am wondering if I had been too rash LOL No, seriously, I’m tempted to call her back and ask her if her offer still stands …

Because God as my witness, the older I get, the harder it is to deal with real life issues. My heart hurt so bad back in December after the school shooting. Even though I was not directly affected by it, I still felt the tragedy of it and it was hard to NOT imagine myself in those parents place. But time heals all wounds and eventually life went back to normal, life went on.

Then the tornado in Moore, Oklahoma happened yesterday. Twenty minutes from where I was living this time last year. Times like this, I am so thankful Hubby did retire from the USAF. But oh … my heart … my friends that were affected. And those babies at the school. Oh those poor babies and those poor, poor parents. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

I just can’t wrap my head around any of it … all the destruction. All the places I used to shop at. The Warren theater where I saw movies at. Just … all of it.

And I find myself sitting here thinking … thinking if I just had a Xanax then I could get rid of the thoughts, the feelings, for just a little while … then I could go back to normal … for just a little while.

But guess what? When the Xanax wears off, it will all still be there. The images on tv and the internet, all the thoughts floating around in my head, all the hurt my heart is feeling. It will still be there.

So I’m going to suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and deal with it, drug free. I’m going to go finish my laundry, put fresh clean sheets on my bed, vacuum and mop my floors, scrub bathrooms, go to my daughter’s awards ceremony at school, cook dinner, go to her Girl Scouts awards ceremony, come home and do dishes, tuck her into bed and hug her close and remind her just how much I love her. I’m going to continue to live my life as I do any other day, pray for all of my friends affected by the tornado and pray even harder for peace for all of those parents that lost a baby.

I’m going to live life … drug free …

Till next time …