Trippin’

Tomorrow we go on our road trip to Dodge City, Kansas. 5 hours one way. Oh joy! He wants to leave at 6am. Gah! Which means I’ll be getting up at 4:30 to be able to finish my morning routine in time to leave. I hope he realizes I will be cat napping all the way there. I am so not a morning person lol. His interview is at 1 pm and if we get there around 11, we’ll eat lunch and drive around the town. I have a feeling that won’t take long. Apparently there is no Target, Starbucks or Kmart in Dodge City and only 1 Walmart … so I’m thinking this town is smaller than I first realized. I even tried to look up apartments so that we could rent until we decided where/if we want to buy a house and the closest apartments according to apartmentfinderdotcom is in Garden City, which is 50 miles away. Surely there will be rentals of some sort in this town? Maybe we will have to go through a Realtor for a rental. But here I go putting the cart before the horse. No sense in worrying until he has been offered a job. Hopefully we will have seen everything to see before his interview & then when he is done, we can hit the road for back home. But we will see what all happens.

He thinks I am upset because he is retiring. I don’t know how many different ways I can say it to him but I am not upset he is retiring. I am upset that he went and changed our plans without discussing it with me first! I am upset because he feels his Facebook friends and family need to know everything before I do. What is so hard to understand about that? We tried discussing it last night after dinner but I ended up just walking away when it became obvious he wasn’t hearing what I was saying. I feel like I was having a discussion with a brick wall. He’ll never see my point of view so why bother? He got upset with me when he started talking about how once he is retired he can have a normal 9 – 5 job Mon thru Fri (you have that now!!!!) and basically how the grass will be so much greener on the other side. I reminded him how he has been saying that since I met him. Used to be he couldn’t wait to make rank because "those mother effers have the easy life!" then he made rank and all he ever does is complain about how much bullshit he has to deal with and put up with. Uh, I thought your job would be easier when you made rank? Or how sick he was of all the political BS he has to bite his tongue over at such and such base and if he can only get to another base, he won’t have to deal with it anymore. Guess what happened with that thought process of his also? I ended up telling him last night that he needs to get his head out of his ass, and if he thinks working as a civilian is going to be all unicorns, and rainbows and glitter then he was more delusional than I thought. I told him I was tired of hearing how the grass is always greener on the other side when he always ended up going from the frying pan into the fire. I reminded him that for the past 18 years I’ve heard nothing but "If I can just PCS to Tinker this or If I could get orders to Tinker that" and then he finally gets his wish, after us having to suffer a year of him living in Korea for it, and then he wants to leave after only 5 months. What the hell? Why did I go through a year of absolute hell by myself? It was all in vain now? Bullshit! But like I said, he didn’t want to hear anything I had to say so I just gave up. He needs to learn to be happy with what he has instead of always wanting what everyone else has.

He said his reason for changing the plans was because he thought he was going to fail his PT test last week. *sigh* Every 6 months we go through this crap. 5 months of eating high on the hog and 1 month of near starvation so he can pass. The exercise part of the test is no problem for him. He always passes that part with flying colors. He does exercise 5 – 6 times a week. His problem is his waist. He’ll sit there and eat half a family size bag of Lay’s potato chips in one sitting. His portions are enough for 2 people. Every time I turn around he is putting something in his mouth. Basically he is a boredom eater. So his constant exercising prevents him from being the size of a house, but he doesn’t loose the weight either. He’s only allowed to have a certain size waist and if the tape measure goes over that max, he automatically fails his PT test. After 22 years he’s tired of dealing with it. I understand that. God knows I’m tired of dealing with him dealing with it. Because I have to suffer right along with him. Even though I didn’t put him in that position. But being the supportive wife I am, I always suffer right along with him. So yeah, I’m ready to stop having to deal with it too. But he never has faith in himself and he is always convinced he will fail. So he was sure he’d fail this time so to keep from having to deal with the repercussions of failing, he dropped his paperwork to cover his ass so to speak so that when he did fail, they couldn’t kick him out for failing. Are you effin’ kidding me? You screwed up our lives for this crap? And of course he passed his PT test with flying colors. Like he normally does. *sigh*

I swear to God, if I ever find myself single again, for whatever reason, I will become a lesbian first before I get involved with another man! I swear my sanity can’t handle shit like this anymore. I’m open to the idea of an occasional one night stand but even then that’s not really an issue since I’ve learned how to "deal with myself" during deployments. The male species is just not worth it at the end of the day.

I do know that him taking that Saudi job is looking better and better each day. At the rate this is all going, I’m afraid that him going to Saudi will be the only way to save our marriage. Because I just don’t know how much more of his crap I can tolerate. I can’t handle him not keeping me in the loop, especially because this affects me just as much as it does him. This is my life he is playing around with too. Before, it was his career, his decision. I never once stood in his way; never told him where he can or can’t go. But this retirement is on the both of us, it is the rest of our lives. And I can’t abide by not being an equal partner. He continues to push me away and one day he will have pushed so far that I am no longer reachable. I deserve better.

So here I sit, trying not to stress over what is going to happen these next few months. I’d like to remain calm because he’ll be offered the job in Kansas tomorrow and all of our problems will be solved, aside from the actual move. But if he isn’t offered the job, then I can start to panic and move on to plan B and go from there. I’m going to try to cross only one bridge at a time, as I get to each one. I’m going to remember that God has a plan for us and that it will all work out in His time, the way it is meant to be.

And I will be doing all this while heavily intoxicated. Because if last June 12, 2011 thru Jan 1, 2012 taught me anything, it is that I need to stay drunk to survive, otherwise I might not survive if I am sober …

Especially when The Child wants to know if we are going to be able to celebrate her birthday in Oct. the way she wants it … here with her BFF Tommy and her class mates … and all I can say is, "I don’t know Honey. I just don’t know." How do you explain all this to a 10 year old? <br />

Till next time …