Wierd

Things are going really well. Maybe it’s because I put in an hour workout this morning. I hope you all had a good Valentine’s day and are having a great weekend. I am puppy sitting, so I’ve been cuddled and loved. They were my Valentines. Keith (my sailor ex who deployed to North Carolina) apparently sent me a Valentine.

Chris texted me, and we were going to cook dinner, but he worked til 8:30 at night, and I didn’t want him to drive the hour to me, to be exhausted and need to be up and out the door by 6:00am. So next week we’re doing dinner. I am just not feeling like serious dating. I mean, I want to fall in love, and I wonder if I trust him enough to fall for him.

Travis and I have talked a lot, and I’ve told him exactly how I feel and that I’m really not looking to get serious. I don’t feel anything for him one way or another. I love him as a long time friend, and in theory I like him. But when we are around each other, there’s no spark, and I just feel…normal. Nothing special. No desire for more. We talked. I feel the same sort of thing with Chris, the numbness at times. I think the only difference is my physical attraction to Chris, my anger that Travis won’t let us just hangout anymore without demanding more, and the fact that Chris wants to hang out, but isn’t pissed or pushing me when I don’t want to, or I’m busy. Idk it’s just Travis gets mad about everything I do, like saying I want to stay home and take a bath and sleep early on a work night rather than go out to a bar with him and all his icky friends. It’s like he likes me because it’s what he wants, and what I want doesn’t really register to him. Idk. It’s been nice spending this whole week alone.

I saw my friend Kellianne last night. We got dinner. God, I forgot how much fun it was to have girly nights. We discussed her art, my job, our futures, wandered to Barnes and Noble to buy pretty pretty journals. If Emily doesn’t blow me off, we may see each other this weekend. I am debating saying something to her about how angry I’ve gotten with her. The only real conversations we’ve had are texts I’ve started.

But at the same time, I was invited out to Chicago tonight to go out with three girls I love and go to the bars. I’m not sure I should spend the gas, or if I really want to go out. I want to see them so badly, but…I’m tired. It’s so hard to feel like getting sexy and driving two hours and shit. I sleep a lot lately.

Mom’s birthday is Monday.

Work is still going well. I didn’t realize how much sunshine affects my mood. I do so much more on sunny days.

I’ve been working on my self discipline and getting my self in order. I must stop spending so much money on food.