bringing you up to date…

So, as things became frigidly distant at our house, my husband re-thought his strategy. It really really wasn’t the cybersex that got to me… it was the deceit. When somebody is sneaking, that means they have something to hide. If they have something to hide, that means it’s something for which they’ll “get in trouble.” If they feel confident that what they’re doing is okay, then they have no need to be deceitful. It’s a simple law of life.

So my husband told me everything, which really didn’t consist of much. He had met this young girl on line. They had cybersex a time or two, but mostly he had given her advice on how to pursue some guy she was after. It wasn’t all that important to him, but I pointed out that song-lyrics seem pretty emotionally involved to me. (On the other hand, men can sometimes do something that leaves us women thinking they really care when somehow they didn’t mean it as seriously as we took it… they were playing around.)

After a time, my husband also confessed that he had not had cybersex with my old childhood friend, but they had a rather steamy conversation in which she discussed her breasts and some four-finger method of manipulation (the conversation got discontinued before he found out whether it was manipulating the guy or the girl).

So then I was really pissed off at her too. What kind of friend would flirt like that with her old best-friend’s husband!? What a b*&(&ch!! I felt like writing to her and telling her what I thought. I didn’t, though. I just steamed a little bit more.

Now, another thing that I should throw in here is the day after I discovered my husband’s online daliances, he came home midday and let me know he had been let go from his job (not for online chatting, thank goodness, or I would have had to kill him). This didn’t stack up too well with everything else going on, believe me.

As fate would have it, my husband and I had a coupon for a dinner out that was due to expire in two days. We had to use it or lose it. So we got a babysitter and reluctantly went to this dark romantic place to have our dinner. Now, I had been doing a lot of thinking and certainly realized the contribution my lack of libido had made to this mess. I also realized that his gruffness had played a part in my distance as well. We actually talked at length, maturely and lovingly. I told him that I thought the thing that he would most like to change about me was my affection. I’m not a very touchy-feely affectionate person and he is. Also, I know he’d like lots more sex than what he’d been having. The thing that I would most like to have changed about him would be his brusque-ness. I would really love him to be more gentle and tender in his communications with me. We agreed to try to work on these areas.

I was determined to fix this…

I started by admitting to myself that I had to make some changes. The Prozac was going to have to go. I determined to replace it with thirty minutes of excersize and thirty minutes of meditation/praying per day. Cutting down to a pill every other day, then cutting it out altogether would be the best way to wean myself off of it. Also, I did a net search and discovered that Sam-E and DHEA could increase my testosterone production, thus increasing my sex drive. I purchased some of each and began taking them.

Last, but not least, I knew nothing seemed to stimulate my senses as much as a good hot mIRC conversation, so off I went to the internet to find an imaginative male. I didn’t do this to get revenge or equalize things. My husband never minded me “cybering” because it was like an appetizer and he had always been the main course. He had no problems with anything that inspired me to higher heights of sex. And, as always, my virtual encounters stirred me up until I was frenzied for him. I f***ked his brains out in several different positions. He was thrilled. I made sure that we did it lots, too. He wasn’t going to get a, “no,” if there was any way I could help it. I wanted to do my part in this situation and I wanted to improve the areas that had settled to a crawl over the past few months. In return I was hoping he would do what he could to increase his tenderness. And he did do much better, telling me he loved me and that he had never meant to hurt me. He listened and understood (or at least tried to understand) my concerns and hurt in the situation. He still has his outbursts and tends to talk angrily or loud even when he doesn’t mean to come accross that way, but I know he’s trying.

The problem I’ve encountered, however, makes a big circle back to the beginning of this document. I don’t really know what’s “okay” Biblically. (Probably nothing.) I don’t know what’s right or wrong. As I mentioned in the beginning, I had this fantasy of a threesome. Sometimes I really think about doing it, but I’m held back by the religious thing.

Well, that brings you up to date. I have so much to think about and so much to consider. I will be posting some of the things I’m doing on the net and otherwise but hope some stranger out there will have some good and sound advice to help me make some sexual decisions here or to help me get a more “normal” view of what is sexy and what isn’t. Should a married woman who is in love with her husband venture into three-some-ness? What could I think or do to be more excited with just twosome sex? Well… we’ll see what happens.

He just walked in with a dozen long-stemmed roses. I know he’s trying… and so am I.