low key

i’ve been entranced reading a diary that someone has been keeping for years, she is a very good writer, and reading her diary is almost like reading a book, but my eyes are getting tired and i am getting sleepy, so i will continue reading it tomorrow…i love to read about other people’s lives, but then i think to myself, i wish that i could write that good, and actually had something to write about….my constant wish all of my life has been to write a book, but the fear of failure keeps me from even starting.

my husband says that i have a pretty interesting story to tell, but then, he would say that, he is my husband, lol…

i suppose sometimes i feel inadequate in writing, even though i have been writing for years…poetry, short stories, journals…nothing really ever says what i wish it would say CLEARLY.

and, as silly as this sounds, i believe that once i write that i feel something, it is kind of written in stone and if i change my mind somewhere down the road, that maybe i am lying (or was lying) because i really didn’t feel that way at all. which causes me to pause and think about things before i write them, and then i talk myself out of whatever i was feeling. wierd, i know.

i don’t feel like a whole person, i don’t feel that i really have anything to offer…and that is not a plea for someone to tell me that i have something to offer…that is me stating how i feel. i have a big problem with self-worth and self-image…working on it with my therapist.  but then again, i have been working with therapists for over 16 years, and i still struggle with these issues.

in reading over this entry, i realize that i am not feeling low key as the title would suggest, just low. i’m not ready to write about my life story here yet, because another thing that i believe is that once you write or talk about it, it makes it all the more real (even though it is already real, i just don’t have to deal with it, if i don’t speak of it).

okay, i’m going to bed now……apparently whatever is on my mind and i vaguely feel that i want to write about is not going to come up in this entry.