I am not always what you see

I am an emotional eater. That is a given fact. For as long as I can remember I have been this way and probably always will be this way.

I don’t eat when I’m pissed off though. I eat when I’m upset, feeling sad, lonely or just plain bored. I use food to comfort me moreso than to give me nutrients.

As much weight as I’ve lost I still don’t feel skinny. I know, I know, you’re probably all thinking you’ve already told us that a hundred times. Which is right I have but I’ve never explained the reasoning behind why I will never feel skinny. Probably because I never really understood why until recently.

Did you realize we were all born with 3 needs in life? 

Love
Significance
Security

Ya out of those three I scored a big fat 0! 

Love – Growing up I never felted unconditional love from either of my parents. I never felt secure in anything I did especially in my relationships. In fact (and I’m embarrassed to say this but oh well I was immature then) I was so insecure in my relationship with my hubby when we were first together I lied to him and told him I thought I was pregnant so he wouldn’t leave me alone one night and go to a party.  I feel awful for doing that. I later realized he loved me for who I am and had no intentions of walking out of my life.

Significance –  How does anyone feel significant if they don’t feel love?  If you can’t be bothered to show me love and affection then I must not be significant enough.

Security – nope never had that either. Sure I had a place to live, food on the table and clean clothes but I never felt like my parents cared about me.

My parents split up when I was young. I’m going to say around 2 ish years old. I don’t really remember living with my dad much after that. He left. Mom got the kids (my brother and I). I never had the bond with my dad that some girls are lucky to have. I always felt like I was a burden to him. We would visit him every other weekend. I remember going to his house ( and he moved a lot) and being told to go outside and make new friends or go outside and play or go downstairs and watch TV or do this or do that. There was never any cuddle time with my dad. I never ever remember sitting on my dad’s knee while he read me a book or just watched TV with me.   “I love you” was not a phrase we have ever shared to this day. I overhead him talking to a friend one day and he said "If I could do it all over again I wouldn’t have kids"!  Okay then I’ll just go play in the street and hope to get hit by a car then. That stung. Obviously still does to this day.

My mom had custody of us but she was never home. She was always gone out. I think she was living her teenage years that she had missed because she had children at a young age. I don’t know. All I know is she was never home but she always made sure there was food in the fridge and a roof over our heads. I don’t ever remember saying “I love you” to her until I became and adult.

I am angry at my parents for bringing me into this world and then neglecting me emotionally. I have come to the realization that I turned to food for comfort. I started this at a very young age. Food didn’t judge me like my father did. He told me I was chubby and offered me money to lose weight when I was probably 9 years old. Food didn’t fail me. It was always there for me no matter what the situation was. Food made me feel at peace even if it was short lived. I turned to food for everything.

Although my hubby loves me more than anything in the world I still feel like I’m missing something. Like my past is haunting me. Damn them for not realizing what they were doing when they just didn’t give a fuck. Damn them for not caring enough today to pick up the phone and ask how things are. Damn me for thinking they should. Damn me for wanting something I will never had. Damn me for letting their actions from 30 years ago still affect me greatly. Damn them!!

I didn’t know how to stop turning to food but somehow I have and as you are all aware I’ve lost ½ of what I used to be. I am proud of myself for that. I did it for me but deep inside I will never be healed until I forgive my parents. I don’t know if I can do that. I feel guilty for blaming my mom. I really do and I know I shouldn’t because on so many levels she could have been a better mother. I don’t have the same relationship with her like I used to. I feel like when I’m with her it’s fake. Like everything is a okay and always has been but it’s not. Maybe in her books it is but not mine. I’m afraid to confront her though. I don’t like to upset other people.

I haven’t spoken to my father in 9 years. I don’t even know him. If he died tomorrow I wouldn’t feel a thing. That might seem awful to you but it’s the truth. I would be sad that his family would miss him but it would be like if you’re neighbour across the street died. Unfortunate but life goes on. I don’t care to know him so why is he still controlling my life? I don’t know. I have always been such a strong person in everyone else’s eyes. I was the tough chick in school. The badass if you will but all that bullshit was just a cover-up for all the pain I was feeling inside.

I need to release that pain. I’ve lived in captivity for 37 years and I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t.

I think counseling is in order. I need to swallow my pride and just go see someone. It’s okay to be messed up in the head a little these day’s isn’t it?  After all I didn’t ask to be this way.

I’ve tried my best to be the best mom to my children and both of them have validated my efforts. I love my children. They are what keep my head above water when I feel like I’m sinking.

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