I’m green like I have never been green before….

 Mike is currently the center of my world. It’s crazy how strongly I feel about him. He seems pretty damn close to feeling the same way about me. He’s more reserved in sharing his thoughts but he does express himself much better than J ever could. I compare them a lot although I know I shouldn’t. I compare Mike to every guy I have ever even thought about dating. Mike’s not perfect but I think all of his flaws are ones I could live with forever.

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I am feeling jealous and insecure lately. I tell him though. I’m not hiding it. I want him to know what I am thinking so he knows why I get upset. He has a history of cheating (he ends most relationships by sleeping with someone else then breaking up with the girlfriend the next day and moving onto the new girl). He did not do this with his last one and says it’s not something he has ever been proud of doing. He’s drunk when he does it and he swears he was already miserable in the relationships. He doesn’t use either of those explanations as an excuse. He said he knows it’s a terrible thing to do and he hopes he will never do it again but he is a dog when he’s drunk. Naturally whenever I know he’s drinking I ask him where he is going and who he is going to be with. I don’t trust his one co-worker. This guy is scum and would encourage Mike to sleep with anyone regardless of age, looks, relationship status etc. Mike is technically not my boyfriend. This means he can sleep with other women and I really don’t have any argument. He told me he doesn’t want to be with anyone else and he will tell me if it happens immediately because he considers me his and he is mine. I like that he thinks of us together but then it makes me angry that I don’t have a title. I am tired of being guy’s girl without being their girlfriend. He wants to wait till I am living there or seeing him more. I understand what he is saying but I feel like if we don’t want anyone else, why not just make us official. On the other hand, I feel like it’s very juvenile of me to want a title so badly so I don’t say much about it.

 

I heard from James one night this past week. He called from a friend’s phone for about 30 seconds. He sounded good. He says he quit all drugs and smoking cigarettes. He’s been smoking since he was 12 so that’s huge for him. He was coming down to the city to see if the union would drug test him and send him back to work. I wish him the best but I can’t be involved. I told him to keep me updated but that’s it. It was very brief because I was out to dinner with a friend. I didn’t want to talk much but damn, I missed his voice and knowing he was okay. He will always be special to me. I really can say he was my best friend for 11yrs even with all the shit we went through. I hope he feels the same way.

 

I am going to Costa Rica with my favorite friend Amanda in a few weeks. I’m beyond excited. I can’t wait to just relax, enjoy the sights and spend time with her. I feel like the shittiest friend the past few years. I know I’ve been so self-centered. As soon as she asks how I am I feel the need to tell her EVERYTHING and then I always have to go before I even ask about her. I do want to know exactly how she is and what’s going on. I feel like my time is so limited that I never get to really listen. It will be nice to have a whole week to hear about her life and spend time with her. She really is a great friend and I’m lucky she hasn’t given up on me. I am determined to make more time to ask about her once I graduate and leave this job.

 

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amily: Verdana; “>I am leaving this job in May. I graduate the first weekend in May (not going to the ceremony). I am going to leave right after (probably that Tuesday or Wednesday). I am not telling my boss until I have finished my paper and turned in my portfolio for graduate school. I need to get that all out of the way before I can tell her. I’m afraid she will take it out on me and demand every waking hour of time be spent with the twins.

 

I will miss the twins but I can’t handle this stress, this life style anymore. I will move home briefly and then decide from there. Hopefully I can get my license and move to VA before the end of the summer. I am applying for jobs in VA, MA and NY. I am really hoping for VA though. I want to try life someplace else, possibly with Mike. I won’t move in with him, I’d live near him. I need time on my own to grow-up a bit more.