Wind in my sails

I have gone out a few times with my hair dresser. I have slept with him. Amazing! I don’t want to date him though. Why? I can’t quite figure it out. Something felt off, just not quite what I wanted. I decided to give him more time, every interaction solidifies my desire to sleep with him but not date/marry him. He is 35 and doesn’t want marriage or kids for a while, he will think about serious dating in a “few years”. He told me this yet told me he really likes me enough to date me? He wants to move back to his native country (he’s been here 5yrs now), he doesn’t like females to sleep over or leave anything at his place. He doesn’t like to mix girls he is dating (even if they are serious) with his family or friends. He is insanely sweet and friendly. He is charming and cuddly. He is great conversation. He is educated, experienced, worldly, etc. He just seems to be so anti commitment that I don’t even want to try to get past my own commitment issues to deal with his. I made my decision before he told me about his lack of desire to commit. Once he told me about his, I had sex with him. He began gentle and I stopped him and let him know I was not interested in “making love”, he got the point and we had great, loud, rough sex. Perfect. We then watched T.V. and chatted then had even louder, rougher, wild sex. Perfect. I then through on clothes, we chatted, I gave him a quick BJ a kiss and hug and out the door I went. He was speechless. I know what I like and what I want; I’m just going to take it and go.
 
Moving on from him….I am really depressed lately. I am barely eating, sleeping terribly, cranky, have hives a lot, and emotional. I didn’t talk to James a lot this past week or two. Finally we chatted last night. He knew instantly that I was down. He said and acted exactly as I needed. He asked the right questions, responded just how I needed etc. He is a true best friend. He knows me. I miss him. Insane amounts. I hate it. I want his comfort, his hugs, his quarter smile and half head-tilt as he listens to me vent.  
 
I finished my first summer class of 2011. I have a week of no classes then begin again. I am not ready for a second summer session. One was easy and I got my “A” but I want to be done for a bit. I want a break! August is my break. No classes summer 3. Dan was in summer 1 with me which was great. He is in summer 2 with me and every fall class as well. It’s great to have him. We have become good friends now in classes and he drives me to the train station after classes which gives us a 20minute conversation each time. We share a lot of personal information with each other, it’s been getting more and more personal the past few weeks. He shyly mentioned he is well endowed. I didn’t ask any questions, just nodded and let him continue with his point… he was explaining how he had sex with multiple girls but for only 45seconds or so and was explaining why it was so short (they couldn’t deal with his size they say)…anyway I of course was stuck on the well endowed portion of this story. I couldn’t ask “how well endowed” because then it would seem like I wanted to experience it….but come on?! Of course I want to know! We have discussed sex quite a bit (not about him and I, just in general). I just needed to share my thoughts because I can’t discuss it with him. We don’t ever talk about us being together, neither one of us would want to risk this friendship. He has a girlfriend but he’d cheat on her, I know that. I just wouldn’t want to risk losing him when we ended it.
My biological clock is ticking. It’s driving me insane actually. I want babies, I want them now! I want just one but I’d take two if it happened. I just want a little one to hold and love and play with and deal with that is my own, my own way, which is not given back ever! I want to be “Mama” for real, not just when Charlie wants me to be. I don’t really yearn for a husband but I want one so I can have a baby. I cannot afford a baby on my own; I need a husband for that. Ugh.
I have been very resentful lately. I realized I am angry. I am angry that my friends and family do not understand what I have gone through. I am 28yrs old and will be in pain the rest of my life. My leg will never be “normal” again. I have metal objects in my body. I have scars that I hate and a bump on my shin. These will never go away! The bump is there forever; the scars will fade but will always be there. My hand has a scar that looks to be staying forever. I’m going to have nightmares forever (even if they become less frequent) about that night. I’m going to have a fear of being hit forever. I always had driving anxiety, now I am not sure I’ll ever get over it. I’m not sure I want to. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m hurt. I wish someone said, “I get it” and they actually did.
I can take a week off in August. I want to go on vacation. I need to get some money from the accident (just lost wages) before then if I want to go away. I really cannot afford a vacation right now. I am also sad I do not have someone to go with me. That is one reason I do wish I had a boyfriend. I want a partner to do things with, go places with, experience things with. I’m tired of dinner with guys I don’t really like or hoping for dinners with guys I do really like. I want a solid, consistent somebody.
This entire entry was a long whiny rant. I needed it.