out of time, not words

I feel like I have nothing and everything to write about simultaneously. I’m under a time constraint so I’ll pick the topic that is bothering me most, my body.

I am 5’4 and last weight (the last week of December) I was 118lbs. I do not judge myself based on pounds but rather on how I feel I look. I am typically a size 4 in most jeans. I’m okay with this but happiest at a size 2. Right now, 2’s are big on me yet I feel gross when I look in the mirror. I feel fat and disgusting and hideous. I’m not sure why this happens, but it does. I cut my hair short this summer and I am growing it again. It is at an odd length and I don’t like it but am not ready to style it because I don’t know what I want for this stage. It needs to be about 2-3 inches longer before it can really be cut in a cute way while it grows.

 My face has been breaking out so I went back to a face wash I usually like but, I’m allergic to it now! I have been using it maybe a week this time and each day I was slightly red or itchy but today my entire face looked like a tomato for a good two hours. I had to put cold wash cloths on it to sooth the itch! I hate developing allergies. The older I get, the more sensitive my body is to things. I’m pretty sure it’s coconut I’m having a reaction to. I am highly allergic to oranges so I always skip citrus washes or soaps. I don’t like the taste of coconut so I rarely eat it but it always made my mouth itchy so I thought it was a texture thing (I’m actually quite OCD and sensory sensitive). Now I’m thinking maybe it’s an allergy and not a texture issue with the coconut. The face wash has coconut oil in it.

 Anyway, so I feel fat, ugly and gross. I limp which I hate more than anything and I have scars on my leg and my hand and forehead. The one on the forehead isn’t noticeable to most people but it is to me. The hand one is noticeable and I am very self-conscious of it. I know it’s such a small thing for such a big accident but I hate it! The limp bothers me but it is getting better slowly so I’m not panicking about it. I do have a near anxiety attack every time I walk down a flight of stairs which is daily really. I cannot step one foot in front of the other when going down the stairs yet. This drives me insane, I walk extremely slow going down stairs and even just walking I’m slower than most people. I feel like everyone notices because they really do. I wonder if they judge me for walking down the steps two feet on each step and for walking slower than every other New Yorker.

James has been out of work for over a year. He is in a union so I know it’s tough to abandon that and get a different type of job but he needs to get his ass in gear now. He is broke. His house is falling apart and he can’t keep up with it at all. He cannot pay his basic bills with his unemployment; he got rid of the “extras” like cable and went to a smaller cell phone plan. He has no house phone.  Now his cell was shut off a few nights ago because he couldn’t pay his bill the past few months with his heating bill being so high due to the freezing cold. This really upsets me because I cannot give him money and even if I could, he would NEVER accept it. I am annoyed about two different issues here. The recent one is that I am going home to visit this Thursday, Friday and Saturday and he has no phone! I asked him before it got shut off if he would be able to meet my bus when I get there, he didn’t give me a real answer. I received a “possibly”. To me, that’s a “no” because I need a 100% yes or no so I know if I need a different ride waiting for me. I told him he needs to borrow a friend’s phone and call me before Thursday or he better come get me at my parent’s house at 10am Thursday. I have a feeling neither is happening. I’ll be pissed, beyond pissed. My second, bigger issue is that he is getting depressed and lazy by not working. He isn’t even actively looking now. He just sleeps and sits around. He has no cable and barely plays video games so what is he doing all day? I feel like he should be looking for something rather than just talking about it. I don’t want to date or marry someone that cannot be proactive about their life and their future. That would not work for me.

So with all this complaining, what am I doing to fix it all??

~I stopped using the face-wash and will give my face a chance to heal before using another one.

~I schedule myself for an eyebrow and Brazilian wax for tomorrow because those little things make me feel sexier and more attractive even if I’m the only person who knows about them.

~I’m looking for a really cute hair cut for in a month or two when my hair is longer so I have something to work towards.

~I’m going to save money in March and April for buying summer clothes by May that I really like and that flatter my body type.

~I’m going to get my ass to the gym at leas

t 3 mornings a week just to feel better mentally even if it doesn’t change my body. Plus it will help if I see improvement in my leg strength and flexibility.

~My firefighter friend asked me to hang out Friday night (near my parent’s house) and if James doesn’t come through Thursday then I will go out with him. Either way, I’m going to see him again even if it isn’t Friday night.