wave after wave it keeps coming

I have been feeling a wave of emotions lately. Knowing that James and I are truly over is extremely hard on me. I’m heartbroken that we did not work out but I am confident it is the right decision to walk away. We will always love each other. I will always cherish the past ten years and all he has taught me. I know he is a good person. He is just not my forever. I’m okay. I’m feeling better than I expected but not good. At any moment I could shatter into a million pieces but I am strong and I can do this. I can keep my head up and walk away with dignity.

All of this being said, I have a few distractions to help.

I have a friend named Mike. I have never written about him. I met him when I was in high-school. He was two grades above me. He was friend’s with my friend’s boyfriend. We only hung out one summer before our friend’s broke up. We flirted but I had a friend with a crush on him. She was very slutty in comparison to our other friends. None of us had lost our virginity except her, nobody had talked about what they did sexually except her, nobody wore overly revealing clothing…except her. She threw herself at him and said they had sex during a car ride home from hanging out as a group one night. They were in the back of a van while our friend was driving. The van had at least 8 of us in it and nobody saw anything between them but she said it so we believed it. I didn’t see Mike for quite a few years…college and life happened. We ran into each other last fall and began talking at a bar. He introduced me to his new girlfriend. He found me on Facebook and we exchanged cell numbers and email addresses. We have talked at least weekly, sometimes 3-4 nights a week since the fall. We have made a decent Internet friendship. We flirt quite a bit and talk about how well we get along. He has asked me to spend time with him now that I’m single. Not just to have sex but to see if we would work long-term. I am interested in him but I’m not sure how interested. I think he’s cute…sweet….fun but a forever guy? I’m not so sure. I asked about the past…he swears he kissed my old friend once but nothing happened in the van. He said he had no idea she’d do anything with him or he would have tried (he was a horny high-school boy). He thought she was just a tease but not ready for sex so he didn’t touch her. He didn’t want her to flip out and him look like a creep he said. I believe him. She lied about other guys I think. She swears she was fingered by a complete stranger when we were about 12 in a movie theater. The guy ended up transferring to our school and he never even spoke to her or acted as if he recognized her. I think she just wanted attention and drama. She said she was pregnant and miscarried 5 times before our senior year. She was sneaking a guy in his mid twenties in through her window until he was arrested for raping another teenager.

My other distraction is Derek. Derek always seems to know when to pop back into my life. About 2months ago Derek began talking to me on Saturday nights during my train rides back from seeing James. It quickly turned into Saturday nights and one week night. The past 3 weeks it has been at least 2-3 week nights and Saturday and this week it has been daily. He didn’t know things were rocky with James. I purposely didn’t tell him until Sunday night. Derek is someone I will never truly get over. I could see myself marrying him and having children with him easily. My ONLY concern is that he runs hot then cold. He will shower me with attention and affection for a few weeks or a month then he is gone for weeks. No calls, no texts, nothing. I need consistency. He has moved one state away which is about a 2-3hr drive from our parent’s homes. He comes to visit them regularly. We are actually spending my “weekend” together in less than 2 weeks. We are going to CT. His brother has a strongman competition so we have gotten a hotel room and are going to cheer his brother on. I am really looking forward to seeing Derek but also seeing his family. Both his parents will be there (they are divorced) and his brother of course. His brother’s girlfriend will most likely be there as will a few of their other friends. It should be a lot of fun and a great way to spend my 24hrs off.

This weekend I am meeting a potential employer. We are meeting in the morning at her home in the West Village. I truly hope we love each other and the hours/pay work out. She sounds amazing over the phone. I need a job for the fall so I feel more stable, less stressed and can plan financially and time-wise what I need to do. Besides meeting her my plan is to either go to a museum with Mike if he can come down to visit or just wandering the city by myself for a few hours. I enjoy my time alone so that actually sounds very appealing. Mike thinks he can come down, he’ll know tonight.

James is trying to make me miserable now. It’s 9pm and he text me saying, “you are a horrible liar.” I sent back, “excuse me?” and he didn’t reply. I tried calling and he didn’t answer of course. I am not trying again. He can’t do this to me. I didn’t lie at all. I know that and I can’t let him twist this into being all my fault and me being a horrible person etc.