finally

I began writing this entry at least 15 times in the past three weeks. I never finish. Tonight I am determined to finish and post. Once I’ve gotten over this hurdle I should be able to update more frequently. I want to begin writing almost daily again. I miss it.

Since I have no memory of my last post and am not going back to check, I will bullet as often is the case.

~I am on anxiety medication again. It is working. I can feel my heart beating normally more often and I’m sleeping better. Eating at least twice a day now, so that’s good. I’m happier but still get sad, still get mad, can still cry. I feel emotions but not emotional. I’m satisfied with how I feel.

~James and I hit a really rough patch. I think we are on our way out of it. We will see. I guess only time will tell.

~I’m excited for graduate school this fall.

~I got a hair cut…this is typical me. Change my hair drastically often. I donated 15inches and cut about 18 inches total, possibly more. It is little boy short but I like it. It’s cute and although people view girls with short hair as lesbians, I do not. I like short hair on myself.

~I went gambling for the first time in my life. I enjoyed it. I first played all day bingo with my mother, sister and brother-in-law. Then we went to the slot machines. I spent about $30 in almost 2 hrs. I was up by over a hundred at one point but ended up back down as usually is the case for people. I could do that again but I don’t think I’d be addicted to it.

~The family and I have moved and settled into the new house…as settled as can be for having no microwave, sink, or counters. As settled as can be for having half the closet space and no finished basement. As settled as can be for not having rugs installed yet. As settled as can be for using a metal tool to turn on/off the bath water and only the ability to use one of three bathtubs/showers. As settled as can be for living in a room that is 7ft by 8ft. As settled as can be for having no backyard and unfriendly neighbors who ALL drive convertibles and other overpriced cars even if they are high-school students.

~I am looking for a job for the fall. I told my bosses I am definitely leaving in the fall. I can’t handle school, this job and my life. I have NO life as it is, I need one.

~I can feel my biological clock ticking…I’m having a case of the “babies” lately. I held a little girl for a good 45minutes the other day and I want a baby more than anything. I am not telling James about this…if he is smart, he’d run in an instant! However, that does not change the fact that I really want a baby of my own. Not one I give back, I want a baby…a child now. I want to feel a pregnancy and get excited and nervous and overwhelmed about the whole process. I keep telling myself, 2yrs of grad school then a baby, 2 yrs then it can be. I feel like 2yrs is never going to come because I want it now.

~My boss mentioned if I find a job before September she can put the little one into camp and I can start a new job before September. I want a new job! I am meeting a lady in the next couple weeks. I have sent out about 5-7 emails for other jobs today. I am looking hardcore for a new job now. I’m burnt out and need to move on.

~ I need to go wait for busses. Camp should be done soon and I know when one gets home but the other just started today so it could be anytime from now till an hour from now. Need to sit on the steps and look for them. They passed us this morning and we had to flag them down.