How High Am I?

I have had anxiety attacks since I was 6 years old or younger. My first memory of one was when I was 6 years old. I was not diagnosed with anxiety until I was 23. It was “low blood sugar”, “locking my knees”, “attention”, etc. My parents tried to figure it out. They went to doctors, therapists, social workers, their pastor, family, friends…anyone they thought could help. Nobody said anxiety!

Since finally being diagnosed with anxiety, I have gone through a few months of therapy (didn’t really help and the therapist agreed) and 3yrs of medication. I have been off medication for a year now.

Pre-medication my anxiety showed itself as; shortness of breath, hives, fainting spells, vomiting, lack of appetite, significant periods of weight loss, migraines, insomnia, mood swings, uncontrollable crying (truly uncontrollable), sores in my mouth and terrible acne. High anxiety was a daily occurrence. An “attack” was when I would become short of breath, sweat profusely, vomit and then faint. I would come to within seconds and have an instant migraine. I had hives every single night and awoke about 2hrs after falling asleep to vomit. I would then be awake with shortness of breath and uncontrollable crying for hours on end.

When on medication I was much more even tempered, cried appropriately, had a stable weight almost in the “normal” range, slept 6-8hrs per night with little disruptions and felt rested, had mild acne, and had no sores/hives unrelated to allergies. I did not faint or vomit a single time while on medication.

I went off the medication slowly because I wanted to see if my anxiety was now under control and because the cost of the medication was $165 per month without insurance coverage (I couldn’t find a plan to cover it at the time). Since being off the medication I have had a few “attacks:” I’d say 2-4 in the past year. I can’t recall exactly. I have had periods of higher anxiety and of lower anxiety. Currently I feel my anxiety on the rise.

When my anxiety is high I see certain traits or habits. I call them my anxiety tendencies although some are OCD habits. I don’t have OCD but I show signs of it when I have high anxiety.

Lately (within the past 2-4 weeks) I have seen signs my anxiety is on the rise. I am sleeping less (5-7 hrs a night) with 3-6 waking periods. I have had hives at least 5 times in 3 weeks. I have lost my appetite. My acne is getting worse and I have 3 sores in my mouth currently. I have cried over “little things” at least weekly all month. I have cried for no reason twice in a month. I am sorting M&M’s by color when eating them, eating pizza backwards (crust first), double checking (okay, triple checking) the locks on all doors/windows, stepping over man hole covers, picking the bottom of my feet then filing the skin because it’s uneven (gross I know!), etc. These are all little things that happen when my anxiety is on the rise. I am scared the attacks are coming back soon. I really need to control this. I am going to ask my boss for 3 days in June to make appointments. I want to see my doctor about this, see my gynecologist for a recheck, see my dentist, and have a full 48hrs with James. I need to get my sanity back. I am going to call my new insurance tomorrow and see if my old medication is covered or even partially covered. If not, I’ll have to speak to the doctor about trying something new. I need something for at least a few months.

I know what my stresses are right now but I cannot take them away. I am anxious about school, about switching jobs, about my bosses and I moving, about James and I, about the fall in general! I’ll elaborate just because writing does help me a little.

School: Graduate school begins in September for me. It’s about a 3hrs commute from my parents house or from my bosses house. I’m excited but nervous about being a graduate student. I know it means hard work and dedication that I have never truly had during my college years. I want this. For the first time, I TRULY want A’s. I don’t expect a 4.0 but I want damn close.

Switching Jobs: I am going to classes 2 nights per week this fall. They have offered me a choice of working Monday-Friday 7-9am (kids to school/laundry/dishes) and Sunday 7am-7pm in exchange for free rent and train pass (transportation costs to college). This would me that I would still work 6days per week, I’d need another job during the day to cover bills, and I’d get home about 11pm one night and 1am another night and still need to be up for 7am. I don’t think I can handle that schedule. Plus, since I’d only be in school 2 nights I believe they will expect me to help the other afternoons with their children even if I have a day job. This leaves me NO study time and NO free time except Saturday. This also means only seeing my family and James one day a week still. I am currently looking for something 3-4days per week in the city for decent money. I need more time to myself!

The Move: I’m doing all the packing, nobody has packed a single box besides me. They argue about what I can pack and what to leave but we are moving in a “few days” according to one and “a few weeks” according to another. I need help packing, help making decisions on what to get rid of and a deadline! I told them this, I got nothing.

James and I: We are doing amazingly well. Better than I ever imagined we’d be doing…ever. I want to marry him. We’ve talked more and more about the future and about concrete ideas of a wedding, home, children, etc. I want this to keep getting better but I need more time with him. Once a week is easy to get along but torture if we are moody at all (which is an issue right now with my anxiety). He is being extremely understanding but that can only last so long.

I am ending here. I could write another hour but I need to shower and call James before bed. It helps me sleep at night knowing we spoke and said goodnight.