Back on track?

I am happier than I have been in a really long time. Life is far from perfect but I’m content with the way things are coming together.

I am almost done with graduate applications. I actually would be ready to mail them all tomorrow (I have mailed one) but the printer is out of toner. I am going to hook up a different printer tomorrow and see if it works still. Just too tired tonight to fight with it. I’m applying to four colleges. I wish it were more but honestly I won’t go to the other choices in the fall. I’m not interested in moving again, maybe moving to another town but not to another state or even hours from where I am. I like being near a big city and being with public transportation. Of course I wish I drove but I am not ready for that battle quite yet. I’m getting closer to trying again but not quite yet.

My job is going well. It is hectic, busy, even stressful on a typical day but it’s also comfortable and enjoyable. I want to keep my job till the fall. I am ready to move on but not quite yet. The baby will be three in the fall and going to school full time. That is when it will be time to move on…hopefully I’ll be in graduate school and can get a different job as a nanny still. They want to keep me on but we will see what happens.

I’m not confident I will be accepted to graduate school, in fact I really don’t expect to get in at all but I’m not too worried either. I enjoy my life right now; even when I am stressed and crying.

My mother was a nightmare the past month but this past weekend things were stressed but okay. She was not polite but she wasn’t down right rude this time. My mother is completely against James and I working things out. She rather me be miserable and alone than happy with him. She spent a month calling me a “whore”, “slut”, “pig”, “disgusting piece of trash” etc. Of course, this is all James’ fault, not hers. She just wants what is “best” for me. Right Mom, I see that so clearly as you curse me out and put me down. Obviously James calling me a whore once is the real problem. She seriously doesn’t think before speaking. I think she is calming down and Dad put his foot down and told her to shut her mouth. I knew he’d stand up for me but I hate making them fight.

James is perfect right now. I know perfection cannot last but it’s great. He is not a phone person but we speak daily. He cuddles, is attentive, thinks before he speaks, puts aside his Friday nights and Saturdays for me etc. He is really trying hard to make me happy and show me he cares. I am only free for 24hrs a week and he devotes every second of those 24hrs to me. I’m happy he is trying and I’m trying to make him happy as well. I want him to know I appreciate him and love him.

All the other guys in my life have been put aside. I’m still polite but it is different. I’m not being flirty and overly friendly. I’m sending a tenth of my usual texts and really toning them down. If they ask to hang out or get really flirty I say I’m “seeing” or “talking” to someone. I’m not saying I’m exclusive or committed because James and I have not spoken about being committed but I’m not going out of my way to speak or see any of these guys.

I think I have the baby completely toilet trained now. She wore underwear Monday-Friday with three accidents last week. Saturday (her parent’s day with her, she had four accidents) and Sunday and today she didn’t have any. She is very proud of herself and she is learning to poop in the toilet without so much fear. She screams till it happens but she is getting better (less hysterical). I think within two weeks she should be fine. Right now, she pees with no problem but I have to catch her when she is ready to poop or she will try to go in her pants for fear of the toilet. If she begins to poop in her pants she cries and screams because she doesn’t want to do it but she also is terrified to do it on the toilet. Poor little girl! She is only two (October birthday) so she is young but she is so smart! She is a true joy. We have a lot of fun during the day while everyone is at school or working. I really enjoy her but can see she is going to be very stubborn and sneaky like her sister and brother. She is combining their worst traits! She has to just to keep up with them!!

This week I have off on Friday. I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning. My doctor left the practice so I am getting a new gynecologist. I’m nervous about having a new doctor because I enjoyed my doctor a lot and trusted him. Hopefully the new doctor is just as good as my old one. I am excited to spend extra time with James this weekend. I will sleep at my parent’s house on Thursday and see them Friday morning. I figure by early evening I’ll be with James then go back to my parents by early afternoon Saturday. I am going to see if James will see a movie on Friday night with me. I enjoy going to the movies once in a while. I’ll have to see what is playing and then ask him about it.

I’m finally feeling like my cloud of depression has lifted and my anxiety is diminishing. Time to shower and relax before bed.