that needed to be let out

I have written everyday almost since my last entry…I delete or fail to finish everyone of them. Tonight I’m determined. I love writing…I need to just do it more often.

On 12/4 I took the train “home” as usual but had the owner of a bar meet my train. He took me straight to the bar and I settled in with my first beer by 8:45pm. It was really needed after a week with croup for one child, terrible sore throat & headaches for another and a cranky toddler. I also had a very high anxiety week. Probably related to all of that, Christmas preparations, and graduate school planning. Friday night went well, I drank with the owner and some strangers I met. I also ran into an old friend and had a good chat. Mike eventually came to join me. He was drunk but functioning well even though he had drank way more than I realized. He had some issues with my old friend. Apparently they have an ex-girlfriend in common. Mike stepped up and bought my friend a shot with us…as a peace offering I think. I kept it clear I was giving my attention to Mike and he enjoyed that. We left together and had a very wild night. I am not going into detail because honestly, nobody wants to hear it. However, we did things I ONLY allowed James to do. There was no pressure and no hesitation. We just enjoyed each other. In the morning we hung out and I showered and we went back to the bedroom again. This time it was more gentle, passionate, sweet even. We eventually just hung out on the couch talking and playing on the computer for a bit. I left around noon. It was good times with him. I did get annoyed with his friend Dan. Dan was calling non-stop and being perverted as usual. Mike was annoyed too but trying not to be.

I decided through our talking that I could not date Mike and probably won’t see him much more. I enjoy him but I don’t like his friends’ drama. The boys are worse then middle school girls! I also don’t like his binge drinking and I’m almost positive he does coke on a weekend basis. The coke is purely based on his friend’s comments and on the fact he is VERY close with a guy I happen to know as well. That guy is a major coke dealer in the area and I saw Mike and him “go to the bathroom” at the same time. Plus I noticed that guy sent him a text or two before the bathroom incident. Mike is fun to spend time with but not to have a serious relationship with.

This past week was tough. Saturday the fifth my mother went to a double funeral. That night a friend from Utah called her to say his wife passed away then Sunday night my mom’s friend’s mother passed away as well. Sunday night my bosses’ friend called with a family emergency but then never dropped her kids off. She called later to say her sister passed away that night before her husband brought the kids to me. I know none of those deaths were close to me but they made me really emotional. More so then I already was.

My bosses went away Wednesday and Thursday. The baby had a cough and runny nose. It turned into violent diarrhea Thursday early morning (4am)…it is still going. She also vomited her dinner Thursday night. I called the doctor before the vomiting and he said just a virus not swine flu because she had no high fever. Then she puked so I called again and let him know. He still maintained it was a virus. It’s swine flu in my opinion. I ended up with a fever Thursday about 10pm and vomited every 30minutes or so till 4am. I then was dizzy/light headed and had no energy till today. I still have no real appetite. I also have a cough and sore throat. This is not a regular virus in my opinion. The baby is still cranky and a crying mess. She hasn’t eaten since Thursday night.

I stayed down here Friday night and Saturday just to relax. I slept well but still am low energy.

Last night I spoke with Derek…the guy living in Texas for those long time readers. He is moving back near our parents on January 3rd. He has a lot going on with stress and work related things but he is very happy to be moving back near me. I am beyond excited but trying not to show it. I honestly always say he could be my “one” but I really don’t know. We both have a lot of baggage, a lot of history together…a lot to deal with in the next year individually. It’s tough for us to know if we can work. We talk about it but are not sure.

I am happy to finally write an entry. I needed to put this all down and just release myself mentally a bit. I stress about things even if I don’t write about them in a “stressful” tone.. I need to just learn to handle life better….