I (almost) did a bad thing…
I woke up this morning to a phone call, from Phillip! He was out eating breakfast and was returning my call from last nite. I asked him if I could see him this weekend since I didn’t have to work. He said something about helping his sister move, riding out to Bradenton to check on something for work, and going to a gun show tomorrow. I flipped out, in my mind at first. I asked him why he was avoiding me. He said he wasn’t. I told him that everytime I mention seeing him he conveniently remembers something else he has to do. He said he thought I could ride out to Bradenton with him. I asked him why he didn’t just say that to begin with, and I told him that I wasn’t going to just invite myself. He told me to settle down. At which pont his breakfast arrived & I let him go so he could eat.
*my mind wanders*
He calls back a few minutes later. Asks me if I wanted some pancakes. Which completely confused me. I said "um no, you’re a little too far away right now for me to just hop in the car & meet you for pancakes." He said "well fine then, if you don’t want them I’ll just eat them myself." This phone call made no sense to me whatsoever. But I told him to call me back & let me know about Bradenton. That was at about 9am.
I go lay down & watch a movie… the movie ends up watching me. I fell asleep probably around 11:30 and woke up at 2. I got up, ate some lunch, fiddled around the house a bit, took a shower, got dressed. At 4pm I called him back. He was at a garage in Ocala getting the front end looked at on his truck. I asked him about Bradenton. He said he didn’t know if he was gonna take the work truck out there & just drive right back home, or take his truck (the one being worked on) so he could stay out there and play around. I asked him if he wanted me to drive up to Ocala so I could meet him & we could just head over that way. He said no, he didn’t know how long it would be, blah, blah, blah. I reminded him that ot takes me an hour and a half to get to Ocala, and he should be done by the time I got there and we could just leave, instead of wasting time waiting for me to get up there first. He said no, just wait.
*my mind wanders*
At 5pm I get into my car. I just wanted to drive around. I drove on some back roads here in Apopka, through Zellwood, & into Mt. Dora. At 5:15 I called him again. I asked him what he had decided. He was still at the shop, so he says. At this point I really fllipped out. I didn’t yell at him. I asked him why he was avoiding me, why he couldn’t give me a straight answer, why he was talking in circles, all I wanted to do was see him on my weekend off and he couldn’t even do that for me…. Yeah, I turned into psycho girlfriend. I knew at the time that I was doing it, and I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t stop it. I calmed down a little bit. He told me he couldn’t give me an answer because he didn’t know what he was going to do… I told him I was driving to Ocala & he could make his decision while I was driving and if he decided he didn’t want me around then I’d just drive home. He said why do that? You can just meet me in Leesburg or Wildwood and we can drive from there. (I really don’t like just leaving my car at his family’s home, it just doesn’t seem right to me. "Hey, I’m dating your son, watch my car please!" Ya know?) I told him I had nowhere to leave my car. I wasn’t lelaving it at a gas station in Wildwood. He says "Well, I do have family in Wildwood, you could leave your car there, but no, that’s fine". (I do not know his family in Wildwood at all, And it’s not that I wouldn’t trust them, it’s just that I wouldn’t ask them to do that for me) I calmed down again and told him whatever he decided was fine, I’m gonna go kill some time, just let me know something.
At 6pm I pulled into the JC Penney parking lot at the Lake Square Mall. I went inside, wallked around a bit. Walked into the mall. Walked around in there. Went to the bookstore, wandered around in there awhile. Bought a calendar. Walked back through the mall & JC Penney and back out to my car. At 6:45 I called him back. Right to voicemail. Left him a message that I was at the mall, just wondering what he had decided, I was sorry, call me back. Nothing. Thought about it for a while. At 7 I called again. Voicemail again. Left a message again: I was sorry about blowing up earlier, I made an ass out of myself, very sorry, please call back.
Right here is where I got really psycho. I just started driving towards Ocala. I was gonna show up at his house, to "talk". I was freaked out, and freaking myself out. "Why can’t I get answers? Is he fucking around? Why am I doing this? Why am I being like this? I deserve answers! But I don’t deserve him. What’s wrong with me? I’m just not supposed to be happy." Yeah, this is what happens when my mind wanders. But, onward I drive.
I started calming down and coming to my senses as I got closer. I was 3 stoplights away from his house. I drove through the intersection and pulled into the first gas station. I go inside to use the restroom and really thought about what was happening. "What the fuck am I doing? I AM the psycho girlfriend I don’t want to be. I’ve lost my mind." I sat there a few minutes and turned around and headed home.
About 5 minutes later he calls. "Where are you at?" "I’m just driving" "Where?" "Lake County" "Where in Lake County?" "Oh I don’t know, I’ve been all over. Where are you?" "I’m in Ocala, where are you at?" "I really don’t know *laugh*" "Where are you exactly?" (Quick thinking) "Oh, I got on 19 in Tavares and headed south. I must be close to 50 by now" "Oh I’m headed out to get something to eat" "Oh, well enjoy!" "Would you like to meet me for dinner?" "Well, I’d like more than dinner, but if dinner is all I get, then dinner it is!" We talked for a few minutes and he keeps mentioning how he hasn’t eaten all day & how hungry he is. I told him if he was that hungry to not wait for me, just go on ahead & eat. At which point he blows up at me. "I called to invite you to dinner, but… nevermind!"
Some more things were said and then I came clean to him about where I was. "I’m in Belleview. I was riding out to your house, but my better judgement stopped me. I don’t want to be the psycho, crazy girlfriend I was in that moment. I’m sorry I lied to you. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t want to be that girl, so I turned around." He said that was a good thing.
We did have dinner together. I was almost silent through the whole meal. I fellt like a huge ass the whole night. We ate, and as we were walking back to our cars he asked me if my jacket was warm enough. I told him it was. He said he wanted to walk over to the theatre to see if anything good was playing. We ended up driving, because it was so cold. Nothing good was going on there so we drove around for a bit. Everything’s closed at 10 at night, so we drove back to the restaurant parking lot and just sat there. He kept asking what I wanted to do. I kept saying I didn’t know. He kept asking. I said maybe I should just go home.. I opened the door and just sat there for a minu
te. I tried getting out of the truck, he grabbed the back of my jeans & pulled me back in. "What’s the matter?"
I got back in, shut the door, looking out the window. "I want to go to the house with you, sit on the couch, watch a movie, talk, but I know that’s not an option. I grew up poor, without many friends, I’m used to just spending time at home. I’m a homebody. Or maybe I’m just lazy, I don’t know. But that’s why I don’t know what to do all the time, I’m not a go out & do type of person I guess." He said he wasn’t going home tonite, since he was going to the gun show with Pat in the morning, he was gonna stay at his mom’s house.
I asked him what is aversion to having me at his house was all about. I asked him what his aversion to me was. His answer to both questions was to throw his head back, roll his eyes, and sigh loudly in disgust. And I asked him why he had to do that every time I asked him a tough question, or told him how I was feeling. He told me he wasn’t sure of what he wanted in terms of a long term relationship. I told him he was sure of it a year ago, he agreed. I told him that he was happy with me once, and I feel like it’s all my fault that he’s not now. He said it isn’t all my fault. I told him I just wanted to make him happy with me again. I started sobbing at this point. He hugged me and kissed my forehead. It was so sweet. We talked a little bit more. I started feeling better. We parted ways.
It was a bad night, but it was a good night. I almost made a huge mistake, but I talked myself out of it. I did make an ass out of myself, but who in life hasn’t? I talked, seriously, to the man I love about our relationship.
Now if only I could tell him I love him…