Day Five. Failure & Affirmations.

Mood:  Calm after the Storm
Music: Keep Ya Head Up – Tupac (2Pac) Shakur

It seems as though I’ll be around a lot more often. I think writing will play a therapeutic role in my recovery during this detox process.

OD seems to be a place where I seek some sort of solace when I feel lost, and hopeless… so I’m glad at this moment it’s still here, its been a long time since I’ve felt that way.

It’s 5:15am, I hope I’m on the tail end of a really bad flare and it doesn’t come back around just yet.

I waited until Sam woke up for work and than I started bawling. As soon as I started crying my skin felt like someone had taken heated pins and pricked my skin all over the eczema patches. I scratched it. I scratched and scratched and stopped. I felt instantly disappointed in myself.

I lost my long nail privileges this morning. I got up and started cutting my nails. Which isn’t easy, when you’re shaking and shaking. I cut them too short, and they don’t look like my lovely manicured nails of yesterday, but I have no choice. Right now,  I can’t trust myself not to give in, and yesterday’s nails had the potential to rip and tear like the talons of a velociraptor. 

Sam came to sit with me as I cried and hacked away my nails, and filed furiously, and as he gently stroked my back, I bawled "I scratched it, it’s my fault. This is my fault." 

Fuck he’s sweet. He gently told me it was ok, and it was going to be ok, and it’s going to happen… and it’s ok. 

Of course, since this detox I’ve become a total girl (I cried through season 4 of the Wonder Years yesterday, seriously who am I?), so I cried and told him I wanted to give up. I couldn’t do it. I kept saying, I’m weak. At least in my head I kept saying that, I’m not sure THOSE words left my mouth, but they definitely played on loop in my head.

He reminded me that I’m strong, and it’s going to be worth it at the end of this. I know it is. He’s right, and not in a smug, impatient way, in a way that told me he’d hold my hand through it, he’d help me through it, and I wasn’t going to have to do it alone at all.

He fixed me some water with Apple Cider Vinegar, kissed me goodbye on the cheek and headed to work, and as I sat there cutting my nails I started to feel more calm, and the burning, stinging, poking, pinching started to lessen.

One of my stress-relieving assignments from my Naturopath is to write. She wants me to try to write three pages a day. Whether I want to write here, or write in a journal, whether I want to keep it, is all up to me. One thing she thinks will help me is to write 5 Affirmations about myself, or things I would like to see myself accomplish, and they can be as simple or as deep as I want them to be. So, here goes… this is my first attempt.

1. My body is strong, and it will heal in time. 
2. My skin is beautiful, even if right now it’s sick
3. I deserve to be healthy, I’ve been sick for too long.
4. It’s ok for me to believe in myself. I’m worth it.
5. I’m lucky to have the love of a wonderful man, and that love in turn makes me a better person.

One of the blogs I read about TSW yesterday, the author kept saying that even in the hard times he would keep his positivity, and he believes that staying positive about his journey and the end result, would help him in the healing process. I believe that too. I can feel the difference in my flare ups when I start to panic, and when I start to stress. 

I’m also going to try include some happy pictures in my entries, today I’m going to use one from my wedding, and one from our engagement shoot. One of my face to remind myself, that is wasn’t too long ago that I didn’t look like a Monster, that there have been times in my life where I’ve felt beautiful. One of Sam and I, its dark, but Blair definitely still managed to capture us, and the love between us. Some people think it’s an odd choice, but it’s my favourite of all of our engagement photos.

"I know you’re fed up [Lady], but keep ya head up" – 2pac