Control.

I am meeting the new Dog Sitter in a couple of hours.

I had a meltdown the other day. I didn’t mean to.  A friend of mine posted a quote on Facebook from a book. It was about the aftermath of an eating disorder.

So I showed it to Sam. I love that when Sam looks at me, he doesn’t see the things that make me broken. But, sometimes because he doesn’t let those things define me, he doesn’t understand that I think differently.

I don’t eat enough. I know that… and I try. But to him its so obvious, and to me it’s not at all.

So I showed him the quote, and it turned into a mini-meltdown.

When I was in high school, I was seriously anorexic. But, with very little help from anyone else, I thought I beat the disease, and moved on with my life. 

But the truth is that I haven’t even come close, and left to my own devices, rather than eating nothing,  I eat very, very little.

The realization came, when Sam asked me what I had eaten the other day when he was at work, and I lied.

I hadn’t eaten anything. I had coffee, and drank water all day. I cleaned up the house, I worked out, but, eating slipped my mind, and thats when I realized, I’m treading on dangerous ground.

I’m not under weight, and I haven’t been since I was 18/19. Thats when I supposedly triumphed over my eating disorder. But the problem is that it takes different shapes.

I was eating garbage, a lot. But, to counter-act it I was also eating nothing most of the rest of the time. 

Then, I put on a lot of weight my first year of university, so in less than 3 months, by eating Tuna (1 can a day) and Yogurt, and working out like crazy I managed to take it all back off.

I stayed thin until shortly after I met Sam. I got very sick, and after I started to get better, I started eating again, and I put on weight. Ever since then I’ve had this unhealthy relationship with food, and this back and forth struggle to get in shape.

So I started eating clean, and I love it. But now, I don’t know what to eat. Everything I look at looks like junk food. It’s an easy excuse not to eat, and to go back to what I was when I was 17.

So because I can’t lie to Sam (and lying by omission is the same to me), I broke down, and confessed that now that I’m working out, and getting in shape, I’m started to head straight down the same destructive path I always take.

I know how this story ends. I eat less and less, and work out more and more… and I won’t get the results I want. I’ll see that I’m being destructive and I’ll binge until I feel like I’m not starving myself, and slowly it will start all over again.

It’s true when they say that an eating disorder stays with you, even if you think it hasn’t, it somehow manages to creep in there, what was left of it lingering until you set down that destructive path.

An eating disorder makes you feel like you’re in control, but the truth is you’re not, not even in the slightest.