Kinda faded but I’m feeling alright…

I thought with age, I would be more focused on what I want to study. But the problem is that at 28, I’m much more indecisive about what I want to pursue in University than when I was 18.

At 18, I was brainwashed by parents, and Indian culture to take bio chem, and go to med school and be a doctor like all of the Indian kids in our community.

At 21, I started working for an independent Convayancer, I thought, fuck Bio Chem, I want to be a Lawyer. It wasn’t the first time I thought about it, I changed Universities, and my major to Law and Justice, and I did pretty well. But, then I met Sam, and 80 hour work weeks, and no family life didn’t seem quite so sunny.

I also entertained studying Forensic Pathology, I applied to Windsor, but turned down the offer to go to York. Now I don’t know why. Ottawa or Windsor would have been better for me, because they were the only two cities, where my deadbeat ginger ex-boyfriend didn’t have school options.

But no. When my mom Veto’d McGill and my dreams of Montreal. I picked York, because, I don’t know. I really don’t. What magic I thought it held, and why I was so hell bent on going there, my reasons then, I can’t remember now.

But that’s where it all went wrong. I know I didn’t pick York because of Eric. I didn’t want him to come, and even after I sent back my acceptance to York, I begged him not to move to Toronto.

But he did, and he made my first year of University awful. It’s not entirely his fault. I should have broken up with him, and stayed broken up with him from the first time. But I felt responsible for him moving out there with no help…. and he fucked me over, academically and financially… I made a bad judgement call.

When I switched schools, and I worked 2 jobs and went to school full time, I excelled. Until, I got sick, and my bad luck started back up.

I don’t know. I’m terrified, It’ll all go wrong again. I know I’m capable, and these are extenuating circumstances that I encountered. But I’m terrified I can’t commit, and I’ll do something to screw it up. 

I don’t know. I’m in a weird space. I don’t like it here, I now it’s only temporary, and I just got here… but I think tahts why I’m so down. Down about everything, prospects, life, school.

When Sam’s offDays are fine, but by the time he’s three or four shifts in I feel my self feeling more alone, and more sad.

I hope I can over come this indecision, because I really think being in school will be good for me while we’re out here…