Normal human-being.

I think I’ve forgotten how to even write an entry, it’s been that long. 

12 days into the new year, and tonight I’ve decided to write.  I guess it’s been a variety of OD problems (as I’m sure you’re aware) but lately I feel OD’s been sort of behaving, other than my issue of the Editor not showing up on my Chrome browser, so I have to open up Firefox, where it seems to work perfectly fine (go figure).

Anyway, I’m sure I’ve bitched about that before, and I’m sure I will again, but meh I don’t really care.

Today was a pretty tough day, mentally.  I was quite depressed and I can’t even really think why.  I think it was a combination of little things that most people wouldn’t give two shits about in everyday life, but there were so many of them that they all piled up and, today, decided to go, "You know what, Matt?  You can feel like shit today.  Take that bitch!".

I ended up leaving the house this afternoon simply in order to get some fresh air.  I pocketed $20 cash I had in my wallet, and my house key and my phone, although I shoulda just left the phone at home.  Been spending WAY too much time than is healthy on Facebook lately.  Not even really doing anything all that interesting besides ‘liking’ things here and there, although I have started playing ‘Songpop’ a little more regularly, as it works pretty well on my tablet.  I’m refusing to pay for any premium features though.  Fuck that shit.
So I wandered around the mall for a little while, sitting down on a bench here and there, and then even getting annoyed at myself for sitting down for too long, as that wasn’t really getting the ‘fresh air’ I wanted, so I’d get up and walk around a bit more.  It’s good they’ve banned smoking in the mall these days, although I do remember some dickhead blowing smoke in my face on the walk there as he walked past me.  Ergh.

What have I been up to since I wrote last?  I probably was even down today because I haven’t written for so long.  Even though my life is pretty lame these days and I don’t really have much interesting to write down, it’s still therapeutic to do so, at least for me.  I should remember that more often.  (I just had to google how to spell ‘therapeutic’ haha – turns out I was missing the second ‘e’)

Well Christmas came and went.  It was a bit different this time, as I boycotted my family.  Or rather, I boycotted seeing my father, which unfortunately meant boycotting my entire family.  A few of my friends haven’t agreed with me on this course of action, including two of my close friends.  They don’t see why my whole family should not see me at a time like Christmas, just because of my dad’s actions. 
Okay.  I get that.  I do.  And it’s not like this has just been a thoughtless, stubborn decision.  Okay, stubborn, maybe, but I’ve put a FUCKLOAD of thought into my decision not to travel out there for the family Christmas day, and I decided I just couldn’t do it.  My mother (whom has just learned how to SMS [low and behold!]) asked me to reconsider my decision, and I told her that I "Wouldn’t be able to look dad in the face."
Now that I think about how I worded that, I wonder if she thought I meant it was out of shame.  In reality it was because I felt, and still feel, like my dad is the most stubborn, misguided, DELUSIONAL man on the planet.
It amazes me, that they live out there outside a small country town, and he has probably never personally known a gay person in his life.  It absolutely stuns me, when I see so many gay people every day OF my life.  He is so close-minded, to actually throw the "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" line at me, just shows how out of touch with reality he is.
He deleted me from facebook back in November, I think when all this went down and I told him to "Fuck off".
He left a comment (directed to me) on a Facebook status that my Aunty made about the Brisbane International tennis, saying ‘Did not see you’, in regards to me being in the crowd at the Wednesday match.  I ignored it….  As much as I wanted to tell him to fuck off again.
So my mum, since then, has thrown the ‘guilt card’ at me, saying "So what about Brenden and Craig’s wedddings?" (my brothers).
I didn’t exactly know how to answer it.  Originally she told me that it may be my grandmother’s final Christmas, in an attempt to get me to go, and I got up her for trying to turn this around on me, when I said, "You know exactly why I’m not going."

Sure, the situation sucks, and it’s a lose-lose situation.  If I gained one trait from my father, it’s that he’s purely stubborn.  Although, I see it more as a sense of pride, in my eyes.  I truly just sound like a broken record writing about the situation over and over on OD.  I’m very proud of who I am and the person I’ve become and am becoming still.  To come out at age 19, now be 30, and to still have your own father treat everything as some huge circus-act, truly bites.  And, what’s worse, is I know it will never change.  He, or I, will go to our graves, all because he’s been so brainwashed over the years by some stupid fucking biblical novel.

Onto other news, New Years was okay.  Once again, I didn’t do anything overly exciting for it, although both Christmas and New Years were on a Tuesday, so I didn’t have to work, so could do things if I wanted to.  I bought presents for all the housemates and I really went all out thinking of what to get them.  I got my landlord a set of tarot cards, and I got Ayden a remote control helicopter, because, let’s face it, he’s a complete kid.  I also got him a 4D puzzle of the city of Sydney, because he likes puzzles but he can’t stand the city of Sydney, so I knew it was perfect 😀  I bought Aiden a set of boxing gloves, which he quite liked 🙂
Not only that, I bought a shitload of stuff for myself.  I even wrapped it all up and put it under the tree, with notes saying it was from Santa.
I’m weird like that.  It was kind of me lashing out at my dad I guess.  Since he had decided to fuck up Christmas, which meant none of my nephews or nieces got presents, I was going to spend my hard-earned money on myself.  And I did.
In fact, I have no idea how I managed to rack up so much on the credit card as I did over Christmas, although I did book my accomodation for Mardi Gras, and bought a few tickets for events I quite want to attend this year.  Add on top of that all the stuff I bought for myself and my housemates, and my credit card came to like $1700.
I’m now on a goal to try and get it paid off by the time Mardi Gras arrives, which gives me this month and most of next month, but it is pretty hard when an entire week’s wage goes into my rent every two weeks, so I have to hope to be offered extra shifts so that I can afford to actually eat properly AND pay off the credit card.  I’ve managed to get it down to $1300 so far, but I still have a long way to go, and am having to budget myself fairly strictly to do so.
I’m not completely freaking out though, because I looked up my payslips and realised that I have 112 hours of annual leave accumulated.  That’s not bad for a guy in a 15 hour a week job lol.  Then I realise that I have been there for almost years again now.  We have new name badges at work which say ‘Fresh food person since (insert year of starting with company)’, although I haven’t seen mine yet.  I’m hoping they’ve put down the latest time I started and not the first, because in that case it will say ‘2002’ rather than ‘2012’.  I think 2012 looks better.  I’m still wearing the old lame nametag though.  I dunno where my new one is, or rather I do but I can’t be bothered tracking it down.
We’re getting new uniforms soon too, which was another thing I added to that credit card bill.  At least it’s out of the way.

New Year’s was actually sort of interesting, because Vish’s boyfriend was in Switzerland and Paris with his family, so Vish came and picked me up, and we drove around picking up cute straight guys and giving them lifts home.  I was shaking my head in disbelief at Vish.  The first guy Vish offered a lift to was so thankful because he was going to catch a cab otherwise, and as we were driving toward his place, he goes, "I don’t mean to be offensive, but are you guys bi?"
I had to laugh to myself at him going about it the safe way lol.  Vish wasted no time in telling this guy that he was gay, his boyfriend was in paris, and that I was his best friend who was also gay.  Cool with me!  So we dropped him off near his place, and off he went.
A short while later, we were driving through the valley, close to my place, when there was this really buff shirtless guy walking along on the sidewalk.  Vish, being Vish, pulled over to the side of the road so we could perve on him.  Next thing I know, this guy comes up to my passenger side window and goes, "If I give you guys $30, can you take me to Enoggera?"  LOL!
I told him it was up to the driver, and eventually Vish agreed.  He gave Vish $20, and Vish goes, "No, you said $30!" and he’s like "Alright, alright," and hands him another 10-er haha.
The entire drive there they converse with each other, as this guy is drunk and Vish is naturally very talkative.  We find out that this guy is a firefighter, is BISEXUAL and has a lesbian sister.  LOL!
I pretty much sat there thinking ‘Oh My God’.  I said a few things here and there.  Just the situations I get in.
When we drop this guy off at his place, Vish even gets this guys number and tells him he needs to take us all out to dinner.  He even pranked him to make sure the number was his.  Hilarious.  So who knows if I’ll be hooking up with a firefighter anytime soon lol!
As we took off, Vish goes to me, "You know if I didn’t have a boyfriend, we’d be having a threesome with that guy right now."  LOL!

I do have a sort of plan for my life this year.  I realise although I’m getting by, I’m not really getting anywhere, and I keep hearing that a lot of Generation Y’s won’t even be able to afford a house in their lifetime, so I’m been keeping my eye out for a new job.  Not so much a new job, but an additional job that I can do during the day, but it’s very hard to find one that allows normal working hours.  I know right!  You’d think it would be easy, but for what I have experience in, it really isn’t.  And I don’t want to do any old shit either.  We all know my track record of working for dodgy employers, so because of my past, I try to look for honesty and loyalty with my workplaces.  That’s a huge reason why I went back to my current night job, because I liked how they did everything by the book.  I mean, look, I have annual leave accumulated for the first time in 5 years, from a PART TIME JOB.  I really respect that, and if I can find an honest employer, I am more likely to hang around and do my damned best job I know how to.  I’m trying to avoid doing another servo job.  i think my mother would scream if she heard I was doing that again.  My two brother’s already work in dangerous occupations and she was glad I got out of working there, but it was moreso because of all the dodgy shit that went on at that particular franchise.  I’ve also often wondered if I DID go for another servo position and they asked me why I left and I told them that answer, they wouldn’t like it very much because I know no-one is meant to bad-mouth previous employers, in which case I’d just say ‘I was scared’ so I left.
But, like I said, I’m simply keeping my eye out.  I’d much prefer to come across an ad for something challenging, yet honest, with an employer who can help me grow rather than make me feel like I’m working for a con-artist.
I’d love to hang onto both jobs, which is why I’d need to work out the hours perfectly, so I’m also looking at that, and it pretty much writes off a lot who write ‘need 24 hour availability’ – ergh.  I guess I just have to hope for a miracle.
But I don’t want to start another job until after Mardi Gras, you know?  Because most new employers don’t want new employees taking a break within the first six months – at least that what I’ve always come across.  So I’d rather just tough out this credit-card debt over the next month and a half, use my annual leave to pay off whatever I have owing, and then look into working very hard for the first time in, well let’s face it, at least 4 years since I last worked full-time.

I know what I’m like though.  I’ll burn out, get depressed etc.  If it’s anything like today, God help me.  I’ve always hated the work side of the work-life balance, but I’m so independent that it’s probably a good thing if I’ve got something to keep me busy rather than moping around the house.

I’m really toying with the idea of living alone too.  That wouldn’t be cheap, but at the prices I’m now paying and expecting to have to pay in this share house, it may be an economical option.  A friend of mine loves living by herself, but she is a social person, unlike me most of the time.
I was invited to a pool party today, but I chickened out because I haven’t actually even MET the person who was hosting it, let alone anyone else there, coupled with how shit about myself I was feeling this afternoon.  He probably won’t invite me again, although he seems nice, as well as his boyfriend.

I’m just a weirdo.  I would have thought that at age 30, all the shit would just disappear.  But nope.  I’m still renting and looks like I will be for many years to come.  I don’t own a car, nor do I have a boyfriend, or that I feel I have anything to offer a boyfriend even if one was interested in me.
I can sit around and mope about it, or I can do something about it.  I want to start that plan, but as I mentioned, I feel like I need to wait another 2 months.

I may even have enough money for my first overseas trip, if I’m clever about it.  You know, before my life turns into absolute all-work-no-play.

Sex-life has been mediocre.  And you know me – that pretty much means I’ve been having some, but not really to the standards you’reused to reading.

I’m loving the gym.  That hasn’t changed.  My membership runs out soon though 🙁

Maybe I’ll return to being a normal human being soon.