Sidetracked for now

The feeling-sorry-for-myself tears have been less today, so that’s a good thing 🙂  Just a few.

I’m listening to ‘JQ & Casey’ online, which is a new segment every Saturday on Sydney’s new gay radio station.  So now that’s Melbourne and Sydney that have gay radio stations.  I don’t ever see the other east-coast capital getting one lol.  This state is going backwards with the new premier in.

I’ve even been looking for jobs in other states.  A few weeks ago I applied for some, but i reckon they’d look at my address on the resume and think I’d made a mistake in applying or something haha.  I mean if I were in HR and saw that, I’d question it.  A big part of me thinks it’s time to move forward, since this state clearly isn’t.

I heard about the shootings in Denver this morning.  Very sad.  Some people are just psychotic I think.  The fact that some people thought it was all part of the show is what shocks me.  I probably would have also.  Some dude in a gas mask at a Batman premier?  I’d think it very strange and out of place.  Now how many people lost their lives?  I heard both 10 and 12, not sure which it is.  I hope the shooter gets his nuts sliced and dipped in vinegar.

I must say, it did cross my mind when I was in Tasmania at Port Arthur.  They advertised it as a convict/prison area and yes, it is that, but everyone knows it’s more recent infamous reason when Martin Bryant went insane and massacred all those poor people.  I assume the people there on the day were doing the exact same thing I was – checking out the tourist attraction.  These people went to a Batman premier and lost their lives cos of one fuckhead.

Goes to show, life can end at any time.  Ideally, I’d prefer to live out my life natually, no matter the challenges.  I don’t want it stolen from me, but if that happens, well I guess it was my time.  Kinda depressing to think about it.

I asked my two best friends today what they thought about me checking myself in for depression.  One said he doesn’t think I should and I should just fight through it.  The other one says that once you go on anti-depressants, they are very hard to get off of.  Does anyone have or know of anyone who is on them?  I had an old workmate who was on them and she was always as happy-as-Larry!  I think what I’m more concerned about is that I assume they have a withdrawal symptom, and if I stopped taking them, wouldn’t I feel like shit?  I know how horrid it was when I was stoned that time, which is why I’m anti-drugs cos I’m not very good at handling it 🙁 

I have to say depression doesn’t happen very often for me, and I know it’s only because I have WAAAY too much time to think these days.  The thoughts compound.  I realised I was at the gym yesterday before I knew it cos I spent the entire time thinking how lame I was.  That’s at least a three/four kilometer walk.  By the end of the day, I’ve exhausted myself from negative thinking and I’m glad to pass out asleep because I know at least in my sleep, nothing can hurt my thoughts.  My brain wanders off into dreamland and mostly I think it is okay.

But it did cross my mind yesterday if I should follow my workmate’s lead, because I hate when I feel down.  The last week or so of entries have been lame as all hell, but I’m glad I can at least write down how I’m feeling, as shit as the entries have been, but hey, I’m not gunna lie in my diary and pretend everything is all fine and dandy.

Thank-you for sticking with me through this rut guys.  I know normally my entries are at least a little more exciting, but when I’m trying to figure out how to get my life back on track, the fun stuff just seems to be side-tracked for now.