Day 4 – Your sibling (or closest relative)

Dear Craig,

You’re my little brother.  Having two much older siblings than us, made you my friend who was always there growing up.  I remember our tickling fights where we were begging mercy, our fights over the littlest things, and I remember you getting so angry at me you were threatening to throw kitchen steak knives at me.  I remember being terrified because I actually thought you’d do it.  I’d remember screaming for mum and covering in fear because you had a weapon.  You always managed to hide the weapon before mum would spot you with it, yet mum always believed my story, basically because I was the good child, and you were the brat.  Actually, you were more than a brat, you were always a rebel.  We were kind of the second-go children of our parents.  Our forebrother and foresister had been through it all a decade earlier, and now it was our turn.

It was amazing watching you transform and grow up over the years, being two years your senior.  I remember when you got in trouble at school for pulling a chair out from under one of your classmates, and she broke her tailbone.  You were a little shit, and I remember you being suspended for it.  Suspension for you was like a holiday though.  I remember when you were hauled to the office for an offence that made no sense to me and a teacher tried to stop me from finding out what was going on and it was the first time I’d actually properly stood up for myself.  I said, ‘That’s my brother!  You’ll tell me or else!!’  The look on that teacher’s face was stunned.  I knew amongst all the fighting and teasing and swearing that I still loved you, somewhere there.  He relented and let me into the office to speak to the principal.  I really don’t remember the outcome of that, but somehow I felt you were wrong done by and I wanted to protect you.  I didn’t know how at such a young age, but someone was interfering with my little brother and I didn’t like it one bit!

But it was moreso around when I left Millmerran and went on to Pittsworth and you were still there, being 2 years behind me in grades, that I really noticed I popular you were.  You earned the nickname ‘Peff’, and everyone knew you as that.  I knew you’d begun trying cigarettes, but I never told mum and dad.  I didn’t see the point.  I knew I didn’t want to try them myself, and saw it as you just being your rebellious self.  You played sport and did your usual thing, and I guess we both grew up.

Thinking back, I remember how close we were (most of the time), and I think to where you are now, or I imagine you now, and it’s like wow.  I live in Brisbane.  You finally moved away from Millmerran, still only recently, and you’re now up north, as far as I know living with our other older brother, 9 years my senior and 11 yours.  I think you’re a butcher up there last I heard, earning a fuckload more than you ever did in Millmerran, and I’m proud of you.

You worked hard on your apprenticeship and I was surprised at how fast you became the manager in Millmerran, even having your name listed as that role in the local town newsletter.  I remember being amazed seeing it on the paper in front of me.  You grew up so fast.  And now you’re up north doing even bigger and better things!

I was so nervous to meet you a few months ago when you were here and I got a message from you that you wanted to meet up, and I’m a bit annoyed that didn’t happen.  But, once again you were popular, and got invited down the coast.  We’ve never really had the chance to talk alone in over a decade really.  Whenever we do see each other, it’s at the family events and there are heaps of people around.  In a way it’s comforting having other people there, as I feel we are so unbelievably different to each other.  But despite saying that, I still feel that our youth is still there and we still ‘GET’ each other.  I dunno what it is, but something connects me to you moreso than our other siblings and I think it stems from when we were both little and used to create cubby houses out of furniture and blankets and play hide and seek amongst the hay bales and take turns riding the motorbike up and down the farm. 
I often think I am the black sheep of the family and think I was adopted, despite mum telling me I’m not.  You always just lived life and did your own thing, and mum and dad learned to deal with all the shit you caused them haha.

I remember when you got your tattoo across your shoulder blades, and mum freaked out when she heard about it haha.  I also remember her seeing it and saying how great she thought it looked, so you slid across that ice pretty well 🙂

I remember the first time you told me you got laid.  Didn’t make it to home base, but still, that’s pretty amazing.  I always knew how popular you were in school, so I knew it wouldn’t take long til you shagged your first chick.  I’m sure there’s been heaps since.  I do remember you having a few girlfriends.  If you asked me to name them, I doubt I could tell you, as I don’t believe I ever met them – oh wait, there was one.  She was pretty, black hair is all I remember though.

You were the first person in the family I ever told I was gay to.  I don’t think you realise how big that was for me.  I remember seeing your eyes glow in fear when I told you at Katrina’s on Christmas Day back in 2003 it may have been.  I remember I told you shortly after you told me about the girl you hooked up with and you asked me the same.  I remember my answer being ‘Yeah a few, but it’s been with guys’.  I think I threw that on you too soon.  You’d probably never even MET a gay person at the age of 16 let alone have your older brother come out to you like that.  Your reaction was scary yet also kinda humerous.  We were both seated next to each other in different chairs and you skidded out of your chair so fast.  Haha.  I just took that as the homophobic tenderness in you, probably brought on moreso by your bogan mates than how our parents raised us.  I dunno, only you can answer that.

I remember telling you that I wanted to tell mum and dad.  I’ll never forget your response. 

"Don’t.  If you tell them today, they’ll be reminded every single Christmas about it.  Don’t tell them today."

I remember being stunned.  I was stunned at how mature your answer was.  It was the first time I had truly seen my little brother not just as the rebellious little motorbike riding teenager you always were.  You made a hell of a lot of sense.  And I listened to your advice and I didn’t tell them – I held onto my dark secret.

And what’s more amazing, is you kept my secret.  I think maybe you were ashamed.  I took it as that, but you never really acted any different towards me.  It’s not something you wanted to hinder your popularity I guess.  It was well over a year later, when we were on holiday with mum and dad (our last proper family holiday together i believe), when I came out to them.  I was absolutely terrified and remember running around the streets of Mackay terrified.  I kept texting you to ask if it was safe to come home.  I asked what mum and dad’s reactions were (as I’d written a note saying ‘I’m gay’, threw it at them and ran out the door earlier on in the day – yes, that’s how I came out to them, so cowardly) and you said that they were asleep.
I couldn’t believe it.  I’d just come OUT and they’d gone to SLEEP!?  I wondered what was wrong with them!  Who goes to sleep!  My cynical self decided that they must’ve gone to sleep in a hope they’d wake up and think it was a dream.

That trip was huge for me, but i couldn’t have done it without you there.  It was mum and dad’s turn to go weird on me, but I never really ever remember you being weird towards me.  We were different people anyway.  You had your friends and I had my independence.  I was quite happy being a Straight-A school student, you were happy with your D’s 😛

And yet it didn’t make any difference.  Look at you now.  I wish I knew you now.  Like your interests and stuff.  I hope we can re-organise that drink sometime, and actually meet up this time.  I’ll try not to act too gay for you, and yes, we can go to a normal bar.  I don’t think you could handle my type of bar, but I’m used to yours.  I wanna know everything about you, rediscover what makes my little bro happy in life.  I don’t even know if you’re dating anyone or just still playing the field.  I can only assume up north there’s nothing else to do 🙂

And i know we’ve never said it to each other, and wouldn’t even dare because it sounds too poofy,

But I love ya man.

-Matt