Reality

(Hitting the ‘Post Entry’ button on this entry was soooo difficult – it ended up being religious based, and that really irritates me!  Not only that, because of it, its become the most boring entry ever!  I feel like I want to punch something, and write an entry to get over THIS entry.)

You know what shits me the most?  The fact that HERE, in OpenDiary, is the only place I feel I can truly express myself and my feelings and, everything.  In the reality world, there is so much holding me back from being the person I am here! 

I mean, there is a hell of a lot I CAN talk about in reality, but seriously, everything?  No, not everything.  Not even close.  There’s certain people you keep certain information from, whatever that reason may be – to prevent conflict, anger, judgement…

It annoys me!!!  Totally!  And facebook is absolute shit in the way that it is SO anti-social!  The majority – at least 96% are just stalkers.  It’s like flicking through a magazine, seeing that one line you wrote trying to think of something witty for people to go "Oh that’s cool’ and even then only a few hit the ‘like button, let alone comment’.  I mean, agh, it’s the worst.  I wonder why I’m even on there, but I guess I’m guilty of doing the same thing.  But that’s a stalking reason too.  If I note someone or comment on a photo everyone who is a friend of that person can see it, and they judge.  It’s what people are good at.  But, people want to feel wanted, so they participate.

Thank fuck I have OpenDiary.  My facebook friends can only read my public entries if they wish, not that there’s many of those these days.  No-one cares anyway.  What set this off was reading my entries way back in 2005, when I used to make every entry public and I didn’t give a damn.  That was until my boyfriend at the time had a massive issue with me expressing myself, like one generally likes to when they write in their diary.  So I cowered, I got scared and started writing favourite’s only entries, only accessable to those whom I trust whole-heartedly.  Not some random thoughts-on-paper that any old stalker can read, and then use against me when they see me out and I’m like ‘How’d you know that?’  Because they read it, didn’t note or like, and it clicks that ‘Ohhh I made that a status didn’t I?’

And it’s interesting, with half of my facebook being gay guys who talk about sex openly and their boyfriends or who they dated or screwed last night, and the rest of my facebook being school mates and religious people I grew up with and met somewhere along the way.  So the gay people hate the religious aspects of things and the religious people freak out at the slightest bit of contraversy.  I remember when I first came out and my local church found out.  I had pastors over at my house talking to my housemates about if they knew gay people they had to accept them and stuff, trying to patronise me whilst I was right there – come on, you KNOW about me, don’t pretend I’m some disease.  I had other church ‘friends’ tell me the way I’m living my life was wrong and that God has a special girl for me.   Ergh.  It amazes me how being raised so strictly religious and being taught that only good was the right thing to be, to accepting who I am, is such a contrast.  The religious people, whom do everything ‘by God’s will’ have turned out to be some of the most hypocritical people I’ve ever known.  And the gay people have good reason to not be able to STAND the religious people telling them their lives are wrong.  The first 3 or 4 houses I lived in, I lived with religious people.  One of my housemates told her pastor about me, who then arranged with his wife, to have a demon exorcised from my body.  I shit you not.  I thought you were meant to be religious, not messing with witchcraft.  Of course, it was a waste of time and I wasn’t going along with it because I don’t like being told my life is going to the shithouse.

I can’t help it if I’ve decided to be myself and follow what feels natural to me.  I also can’t help that my religious friends and ‘friends’ have to hide behind an ancient book to back their judgements, and a God that they have no real proof exists.  I believe what I believe and if there IS a God, then I would think he would want me to live my life as the person he created me to be, and not have to be in fear about ‘going to hell for my sins.’

It also annoys me that some of my family pray for me.  As though I need all the help I can get.  Get fucked, it’s not welcome.  If you wanna pray for something, make it something useful and not a part of your homophobic ingrained personality.

I’ve completely gone off in a tangent in this entry.  Religion is such a touchy subject in many people’s lives.  No wonder I was lead to believe I was going to hell, so much religion contradicting my actual feelings, I really don’t know how I got through it.  I suppose from about birth through to 18, I had it shoved down my throat (*ahem*) and from 19 onwards I started thinking ‘Hang on a minute, this is fucking retarded, how about I just be myself for once, not not live my life by how someone else wants me to live it?’

Certainly changed my life.  But it’s still there – every time I go back to the farm to visit my parents, the graces at dinner-time, the church on a sunday, dad putting money in the collection plate (pfft yeah and they wonder how the Catholic church is the biggest monopoly on the planet – not that we were Catholic, but same gist).  It’s right there in my face.  I don’t expect my parents to magically stop being all about God.  I have to respect that.  I have to respect the way they were raised and they were only doing what they thought was the right thing to do.  And it was in a way.  I’m happy that I’m naturally a friendly person to my mates.  I understand that yes I was scared into not being a bad person by religion, but I also believe I could’ve been raised a good person with good morals without all the unnecessary you-can-do-this-but-you-can’t-do-that bullshit.

I’m even feeling pathetic writing about religion right now.  It really doesn’t even deserve to be talked about.  The person I would be, had I not been raised how I was, would be a very very different person.  From 19 onwards, I’ve had to repair cracks and holes and believe the opposite of what I was told my whole life.  And I’m 26 now, so it really wasn’t all that long ago.  Religious teachings can do irreversible damage to one’s life, especially when you’re a kid.  What kid has a choice to make his own decisions about what’s real and what isn’t?  I suppose everything’s alright when you turn out straight, but fucking hell what a rollercoaster ride if you turn out gay! 

So, naturally, over the years my religious friends have dwindled.  I can barely even count one now.  The religious friends who are still around are the one’s who aren’t complete fucktards 🙂  See, you’d squirm even reading that word being a Jesus freak.

My point at the START of this entry wasI’m annoyed that because of the diverse array of people I have in my life, I try to please everyone, and it’s never, ever going to happen.  So if anyone reading this has an issue with that, then you can go bake in hell.

*high fives self for closing statement*