Don’t know why i bother :(

I woke up, while it was still dark, this morning, with a massive headache.  I dunno if it was how I laid during the night or what, but it was near unbearable!  I got up and realised I was also starving.  i went downstairs and cooked myself some food, the Thai Chicken curry that I said I was gunna cook in my last entry.  I also took a panadeine forte tablet, that was actually prescribed to me when I had my toe operation.  I needed something strong.  I sat on the couch as still as I could, because any movement made my head CAIN.  I haven’t had it that bad in ages.  I couldn’t even enjoy my food, although it was delicious.  I brought it upstairs with me with a glass of juice because I realised me sitting on the couch waiting for the Forte to kick in wasn’t gunna do jack shit.

I came upstairs and I also grabbed a panadol capsule out ofm y work bag, and downed that too.  I ate my food and sit sat still with my back and head against the pillows.  I couldn’t even look at my computer screen because the light would hurt my eyes, so I had my laptop closed.  I wanted to write about how I was feeling back then but I just ccouldn’t.  Anyway, I finished about a quarter of the chicken curry and went back downstairs, wrapped it and stuck in the fridge.  I’ll have the rest later.  I just didn’t feel like eating anymore.  I finished my drink and decided that at least if I sleep, the pain should go away.

And it did.  I fell back asleep and I woke up just before feeling amazing.  Even the constuction going on with the hospital across from my verandah isn’t bothering me too much at the moment.  To think how I feel now, to how I felt an hour ago, the difference is unbelieavable.  Thank GOD those tablets kicked in.

Although right now I feel like I have shitloads of drugs in my system, when really its just the two tablets, the puffer and the codeine for my cough.  A friend of mine said I should be as high as a kite because of the codeine, and i realised it’s probably been that that’s been making me feel so weird lately.  It definitely does make me drowsy.  The doctor wasn’t kidding.

My boss rang me yesterday.  I remember that.  I think it was the only part of yesterday that I was awake for, until I woke up at about 8pm or so and went on MSN for a while.  It’s funny because Kiki left me a note saying she fell asleep on me again, when I’m pretty sure I did the exact same thing. Haha!  It just knocks me out this stuff, even if I just pay my head down for a moment.  Yeah my boss rang me and just wanted to know about if I was available over Christmas, and I have 5 shifts next week – yay!  I said yes I was, cos I’m never doing anything.  My family might organise something but I haven’t heard anything yet.

I’m pissed off at them again.  I saw a FACEBOOK STATUS from my dad that my mum was home from the hospital. 

Sometimes I don’t know why i fucking bother.  I wonder sometimes if they are even my family at all.  This isn’t the first time something like this has happened.  I logged into facebook one day to see photos of all my family smiling, including my brothers and sisters, at my father’s birthday party.  I didn’t even know it was on.

Same thing this time.  I had no idea my mum had even been in the fucking hospital.

I feel like shit.  I really do.  I feel like they feel I don’t give a damn and don’t have a right to know.  I wouldn’t even know what to say if my mum rang for a chat right now.  I’d probably sit there in silent pissed-offness.  I don’t even care that that’s not a word.

It might not have been a big deal to her.  I do remember something about mum saying she had to go into hospital a few months ago when I was out there, but I didn’t realise the time had come.  I would’ve at least liked to ring the hospital or even drive up there to visit with a bunch of flowers.  I’ve had since Thursday off, I could’ve easily done so.  Why they don’t just fucking disown me from the family is beyond me.  Fucking over being treated like I don’t belong.  I certainly don’t feel like I do a lot of the God-damn time.

My photos are ready from my photoshoot.  I’m going to pick them up now.  I dunno how I’ll go lugging them home.  Knowing I was gunna give the framed one of me to my mum doesn’t seem anywhere near as exciting now 🙁

Having said that, maybe seeing the photos will cheer me up a bit.  I don’t think I’m gunna put these on facebook, but I will put them here.  I’m really hoping they’ve turned out well.  I don’t have much left to pay off them now, so I’m happy about that 🙂