Kiss Of Life

"Here I Go Again – Anthony Callea"

Somewhere inside my heat, I know I will find you
Though you will never know the way I feel
The secret I keep from you is burning inside me
How much longer can my love hide
When I look at you, with that other man
How I’d wish you’d understand

[Chorus:]
Here I go again
I Keep making true same mistakes
Here I go again
Why do I put myself through this pain
Isn’t it a shame
You don’t feel this way
No one else to blame
Here I go again

I’m used to imagining you here beside me
Though I am all alone I hear your words whisper
My friends always ask me, what’s on my mind
If only they knew, I wouldn’t have to lie
When I look at you, with that other man
How I’d wish you’d understand

[Chorus]

Always only just beyond my reach
And good sense it tells me this could never be
The heart is not for thinking
And I’m slipping in too deep

I think Anthony Callea has one of the most unique voices there is, and he really knows how to use it well.  I was trying tothink of a song to use in today’s entry, but my song entries usually don’t reflect how I’m feeling – only sometimes.  I wanna try to find songs that reflect how I am at the time.  It’s hard to do, but I’ll; give it a go.  This one doesn’t reflect how i feel, but I think it might’ve been Anthony’s first song where he was actually honest with himself, provided he wrote it.

I just want to thank everyone who read my last entry and for their support.  You guys are awesome and sometimes it feels the notes i get are messages from the only friends I feel I have at the time.  I know that’s not true, but it amazes me how the mind works.

Like just yesterday, I found myself putting my hands out in front of me and looking at them.  The whole ‘how did i get here?’ and ‘What is my purpose?’ thoughts came flooding back to me.  this is nothing unusual for how my mind works.  I’m constantly wondering how I ended up what we know as a ‘human’, and whether there’s more to life – see that Stacie Orrico song would’ve been better than this one haha – oh well I’ll put it here.

There’s gotta be more to life – Stacie Orrico

I’ve got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I’m emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I’m missing
And why can’t I let it go

[Chorus]
There’s gotta be more to life…
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I’m…
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it’s life, but I’m sure… there’s gotta be more
Than wanting more

I’ve got the time and I’m wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I’m half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I’m searching for something that’s missing

[repeat chorus]

i’m wanting more
I’m always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin’ like there’s something I missed…..

 We are always searching for something that’s missing.  Well I know I am.  To me, a lot of the days I wake up, they don’t feel real.  Some days are like a blur  to me, and I feel like I could easily be a sim in Sims2 or something, with someone controlling what I do, or not, it’s the blur that’s the point here..  I think to myself, is working for a company just to keep living really the way I wanna live my life?  No it’s not, but there’s really not much of a choice, is there?  Millions and probably billions of people around the world all work for a living, and for some people, work is their life.  And yet we age.  I know money doesn’t really mean shit to me because I agree it’s the  root of all evil, but I like the idea of learning so that I can fend for myself more.  I’d wanna stick to the thing’s within my comfort zone though, except that’s probably not gunna be an option, is it?

Age is another thing that fascinates me.  The fact that age cannot be cured, but it’s not exactly something  that needs to be cured either.  The only reason people would like a cure for it, is to hold off dying of old age, and it makes sense.  People work all their life, only to retire at an old age and collect a ‘superannuation payout’ as a reward for working their whole lives, and now that they are old an wrinkly, they can spend it in any way they want!  By a hotted up car; travel the world.  I’m sorry but I’d prefer to do that while I’m young.  I have never left my home country, but i do with to one day.  I want to take a big plunge and see what else of the world is out there, no matter where it is.  Right now, Australia almost seems like a Truman show to me, and there’s all this MASSIVE rest of the world watching, or at least living.  Culture does interest me.  I like seeing how different people live their lives, and it’s cool hearing accents.  My favourite accent (when they speak English) would have to be the Canadian accent, followed by probably the South African, then the Irish, and as I haven’t heard too many others, my fifth would be either British or New Zealandish.  Not Jamacian, that would just be weird hearing them in bed.  The American accent I find interesting depending on where in America they are from, if it’s from a certain part i think ‘oh cool’ but if it’s from anotehr part I kinda find it boring.  That must just be me.  But it’s cool wondering about why different countries have different accents.

So yeah, my point.  Doing things while you are young!  I don’t see the point in waiting until I’m older, but the sheer fact of the matter is that to travel, you need money to do so, so you’ve got to work to get that money, and in the meantime, you age – before you know it.  Like it scares me that i remember being excited about turning 15.  15 for me meant grade 10 at school.  Now here I am, aged 23!  And that will go up in December.

So I’m pretty ademant about doing uni after my next lot of holidays.  I’ll probably have to stay on at my work as casual as I k

now how hard the uni life is, to struggle through and stuff, but I want to go to a uni and talk to someone about what my options are.  i got a fairly average OP in high school, but I’ve worked for almost 5 years since leaving, and I wanna see if that’ll make any difference to what I can study.  I have some ideas (only ideas) at the moment of what I want to study, but I think one is a TAFE only course, which sucks but it’s not really good enoughto uni if I think about it.  I’ve decided that I’d like to learn more while I’m young.  I’ve always been pretty scared of uni, as my parents never really taught me anything about it.  None of my three siblings went to uni, nor have my parents, so I’d be stepping out onto a branch of my own.  I just wanna go about this the only way I know how, and I’m sure there’s people at the uni’s I can talk to about my options, but I should probably have some more of an idea on what I’d wanna study first, even though I have small ideas now.  I thought about TAFE, but uni just seems far more classy somehow, and the costs really arent too bad when you think about it over how long you’re studying.

My parents rang last night (as they are in Brissy tomorrow for my cousins wedding), and I told them my uni plans.  Mum of course was quick to say ‘Part time right?’ and I’m like ‘Umm no, I’d rather do it full-time so It’d be done with quicker’ and then I told her what my options were.  I’m not mentioning what they are just yet cos they could chop and change and who knows what.  They want to meet me after work tomorrow after my cousin’s wedding reception.  Bitch didn’t invite me and I only live up the road from her.

But yeah before that happens, I’d wanna holiday.  It’s kind of hard holidaying without going into a credit balance, and I’ve never had a credit card.  Each time I’ve gone on holidays, I’ve used my own money.  And I’m proud of that.  A lot of the time I think logigally that I should save it and just stay at home, but seriously, living with Bryn, i was friggin glad to get out of the house – not only that, but I love to holiday.  So far, for my holidays by myself I’ve gone to Perth (first time in a plane), Melbourne, Perth and Sydney.  With my parents I’ve been to Cooktown, Cairns and Adelaide.  So I’ve been in every Australian capital except for Hobart, Tasmania and Canberra.  Canberra i don’t  feel like I’m missing out on much except for streets that go around in arches.  Hobart would be cool and I reckon even Darwin has a slight tweak to it – I’m not sure what, as I’m sure it would be like another Toowoomba, but ya never know.  I could probably handle half a day there, if that. 🙂 

But yeah, I wanna explore, the world, a bit.  Just to know there’s life outside the waters surrounding my homeland, besides the internet and the news, which are my only ways of proof there’s ‘another world’ out there.  Like I said, some days are just a blur to me, and I hope for my sake that the novelty of life hasn’t or isn’t wearing off, because I do see that life is a wonderful, amazing creation.  The fact I can breathe, talk, walk, urinate, blink, ejaculate… yeh it’s pretty unreal how the human body works.  Makes me wonder why I wouldn’t wanna be an anatomyst – is that a profession? 🙂

So yeah, LIFE, has been the topic of choice the last few days 🙂  Why not/

I just finished reading the first book in the Harry Potter series.  i can see why it’s so famous, but to me it didn’t really strike me like I was expecting it to.  If it’s this huge ‘epidemic’, I expected an unreal story, but I found myself  about half-way through wishing the book would end, but i made myself read through it, and it took me most of the afternoon, but i did it.  I’m proud I did, and now I gotta decide if i wanna read the rest of the books in the series or not :0  I probably will eventually.  "After all, to the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure" – I really liked that quote from the book.

So yeah, I think that’s all i wanted to say – have a great day guys and girls…

Where was I?  oh yeah – here; alive