To Find A Better Day

 

Walking Away – Craig David

I’m walking away from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away oh to find a better day
I’m walking away from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away oh to find a better day
I’m walking away

sometimes some people get me wrong
when it’s something I’ve said or done
sometimes you feel there is no fun
that’s why you turn and run
but now I truly realise
some people don’t wanna compromise
well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies
and well I don’t wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, I’m sorry to say lady

I’m walking away from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away oh to find a better day
I’m walking away from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away oh to find a better day
I’m walking away

Well I’m so tired baby
things you say you’re driving me away
whispers in the powder room baby
don’t listen to the games they play
girl I thought you’d realise
I’m not like them other guys
coz I saw them with my own eyes
you should’ve been more wise
and well I don’t wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, I’m sorry to say lady

I’m walking away from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away oh to find a better day
I’m walking away from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away oh to find a better day
I’m walking away

Stay strong Matt!  Stay Strong!

Fuck.  I hate breaking up with people. 

Now’s the time to write this entry, right after it’s happened.  I really need to find a sense of direction of some sort, and as I’m a walking/sitting contradiction in every part of my love life, then I might as well write this now, because tomorrow’s entry will probably be asbout how fanstastically bright the sun is in my day.  God i hate that – I write in here sometimes and I’m completely depressed and other times i write in here, like a day or two later, and I’m completely the opposite.  Like now.  I dunno  what I am.  Sad.  Pathetic.  Yeah… Pathetic’s a good one.

This afternoon I was just sitting on the computer and I found it difficult to breathe.  I’ve been doing nothing but think about my relationship i ha(d) with G.  And i guess the reasoning for my not being able to breathe is my stress levels got too high and my anxiety kicked in and yeah.

I rang him.  Pretty much told him I was having trouble breathing.  And what i think stemmed from it.  I told him I thought he was a wonderful guy, but I didn’t think it was working.   I mean it could probably work, but the fact is I’m not happy with the situation.  Once again, Matt has thrown a good guy away.  Well done Matt.

But I’m trying to stay positive.  I’ve become that numb to shit in my life, that I really can handle anything thrown at me, including my own faults which come up more often than not lately.  I bascially told him that I’m not happy with myself, and if I’m not happy with myself, then how can i make someone else happy?  That and I was treating him like crap because I am this way, and I don’t see it changing anytime soon, and he deserves better than that. 

He sure put up a good fight though!  God did he ever, but I was expecting it.  He had me crying, realising what i was throwing away.  The fact he’s a good person with a high-paying salary and a great cuddler and kisser who will always be there for me whenever I need it and committed, and yet, somehow, through all that, it still wasn’t enough for me.

It leads me to question who the hell I really am.  Why do my latest relationships end up this way?  I mean, I figure attraction has a fuckload to do with relationships and I think this is where the problems stemmed from this time.  He thought I was hot.  Me – not so much.  i guess I should take it as a compliment, but I know quite a few guys think I’m hot – just from what I’ve noticed, and even though I say that, there are days I mope around at home and i think to myself "no-body wants me".

And that’s exactly what I see myself doing.  I keep this thought inside me that there is the perfect guy out there for me, and something inside me kept telling me I could do better.  But now that I’ve done this, I’ll probably be lonely the rest of my life.  Who knows.  Right now, who cares.  I’m just trying to be glad that I’m free and single, and I seem to be breathing normally again as I write this, but I still have the thoughts in my head about how scared i was before about not breathing right, so I can hear myself breathing, trying to correct my body.

Tomorrow’s gunna be interesting.  I’ll wake up and I’ll want him back.  Always how I am, but I won’t be able to.  I can’t keep doing this to him, and I’d rather be depressed single, than depressed with someone and drag them into it as well.  I’ve got to be honest with myself before I can even think about sharing my life  with someone else special, and it’s obvious I’m nowhere near that, and nowhere near mature enough to settle down.

I always think to myself "Maybe if this had happened later on in life, we would’ve worked." and thinking about it, it looks good, but life doesn’t work that way, and time slips away through our fingers quicker than we realise"

The things that are gunna shit me  are the benefits I’ll lose, like his sense of humour, his laugh, and his success and determination for life, but I obviously have a massive problem with people who won’t let me be completely me – and that was him.  Trust me to get involved with a guy who

actually wants commitment.  That’s twice now.  Well done Matt.

But the thing is, I’m not a slut.  I fantasise about hooking up with other guys, but that’s usually as far as it ever goes!  I really just prefer my own time!  I’m too independant to not be single!  I think the two are majorly interlinked  for me, because as soon as someone tries to invade my personal space as more than a friend, then I put barriers up, especially when I know things aren’t right.

And he tried to use ‘Luke’ as a perfect example – if i couldn’t keep someone like him, why would it be any different with him?  I’m sorry, but I was the one who fucked it up with Luke, but at least I found Luke more attractive.  I hate writing that cos I feel horrible, but how else can I blatantly say it?

So now I’ve gotta focus on me again – what i want to come out of this, and whether I will come out the other end a stronger person.  Thing is, I know I’ll miss him, but I’ll try to be mature about it and think to myself "It’s for the best".  He wanted to come over and was in his car on the way over here but I told him not to bother.  I am not good at arguing in person, and he would win hands down and make me feel horrible.  I’m expecting a few bitchy comments thrown my way the next few days to weeks, because basically that’s just what he’s like.  When things don’t  go his way, he’ll get shitty.  And this is a guy who gets everything he wants.  Well I’m sorry, relationships are a little bit different to materialistic things, and you ain’t gettin this little black duck!

I sit and wonder if one day I’ll ever find true happiness – considering the stereotype of ‘true happiness’ seems to stare me in the face and I throw it away. 

Maybe my idea of true happiness is a new chapter altogether.

Let’s hope I can breathe still tonight – or I’ll end up in the hospital like last time.  I feel I can’t win either way.

Sorry guys – I’m a bit all over the place at the moment.

Mwah