good day…til now

I have an opinion, yet I do not know
The reason why God chooses people to grow
I have my own view, yet I do not see
Why people judge others so unknowingly

You have an opinion, yet you do not know
The hurt I feel as I struggle to grow
You think i’m crude, you criticize me
Just cos i’m myself you make my heart bleed

You want to listen, but the topic is taboo
The person I am doesnt relate to you
You think i’m confused, you begin to get scared
But the truth is that i’ve already been there

I’ve read and I’ve prayed and i’ve pleaded and begged
I’ve knelt down for communion, for wine and for bread
I’ve cried for ages sitting outside a church
All because I felt unworthy and hurt

I spoke to a preacher’s wife, five hours in prayer
All while my boyfriend and others were there
I might be gay, but I believe in the Lord
While a straight unbeliever is to his own accord

I won’t sit in depression, I’ll go out and have fun
Some of my Christian friends are second to none
Others have fallen and contact is rare
But the one thing I know is the Lord always cares

I’ve had friends who’ve run screaming and other’s stuck by
Who’ll hug me when I get upset and cry
Friends who are there, joke around and have fun
That’s how I know God’s number one.

The poem on the right is one I wrote a few years ago, but there has never been a better time to use it in a diary entry.

At the moment I’m feeling a false sense of security.  I’m feeling vulnerable, uneasy, frightened, shocked, confused and shaken.  One of my MSN ‘friends’ really challenged me on my faith and my sexuality tonight.  And I am not one to try to get into these sorts of debates, because I’ve had to deal with them my entire life.  I’m really pissed off too because I couldn’t defend myself.  I couldn’t defend myself the way I would have liked to.  I couldn’t defend her comebacks, because, although I agreed with what she was saying, that’s just it, I didn’t.  I’ve arrived at a stage in my life where God has told me, "Matt this is where you are, and I’ll let you know my plans after the commercial break."  I got so scared.  She challenged me and pretty much brought my self-confidence back down to a minimum, a whisp of smoke, a… I can’t even think how to put my words now.  She really shook me, put it that way.

I think I like gay christians who are more concentrated on the gay aspect of life, and God is always there guiding them along, and they know that.  Not the gay christians who are more for God because it makes me feel bad I’m not up to ‘their standard’.  I think myself lucky I have a Christian boyfriend because Luke and I can, and have, talked about this.  If either of us decides to live for God and not pursue the relationship, then so be it, we have to respect that and just be friends.  I’m not about to do that.  Not yet.  Probably not ever.  And now she’s back online pursuing me, shit.  Damn Christians who don’t understand.  I wish I wasn’t so nice, I could actually fight back if I wasn’t.  And this girl I’ve always respected, which makes it even worse.  Luke doesn’t get home for about another hour yet.  When he gets home I am so going to hug him and probably cry, and tell him all that’s happened.  It’s amazing how one person can really weive their way into your conscience and thoughts.  She signed back in and said "It’s your issue, not mine" and signed back out again.  What is that?  Suppose to make we wonder?  I know I’m like this now, all weirded out and thinking, but knowing me like I do, I know I’ll be back to my "sinning" self tomorrow.  I love God isnt that enough? John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life".  I’m sorry but take that how you want it.  I love him, I believe in him, and, just in case, i’m baptised.  If I go to hell, I guess so be it.  God now i’m crying.  i guess a few tears are actually good for you.

You know what? I don’t care.  A bit of self-confidence might build me back up.  My bestie Sam jsut signed in and he always makes me feel better.  Couldn’t have better timing.  I have a wonderful life.  God’s got me this far for a reason.  God allowed me to meet Luke for a reason.  God allowed me to have crushes on guys for a reason.  And when I get up to heaven to meet him, I’ll find out what those reasons are.  Only one person in this entire world has not sinned, and that was Jesus himself.  Not one other person, no-one, zilch.  God loves me and it doesn’t matter what one person thinks of me or what THEY think GOD thinks of me.  I’m typing this trying to make myself feel better, but I feel it’s only slightly working.  Dammit!  God I can’t wait to go to bed, work’s gunna be hell tomorrow too especially with this on my mind.  Naomi rang me tonight, and she told me that Tash dislocated her knee at work tonight, so that means I’ll be doing everything by myself tomorrow night.

I don’t understand why I jsut can’t be left alone to deal with this myself.  My relationship with God is my relationship with God.  I don’t need someone FUCKING trying to live it for me or tell me I’m ‘sinning’.  i have my own view on that.  God loves me, I know he does.  I doubt I’ll ever understand (as long as I’m on this Earth) why I find some guys so unbelieavably gorgeous.  I don’t give a flying fuck what some non-understanding Christian thinks.  Try being in my shoes huh?  I signed up for gaychristians.net, in a hope to find someone I can relate to.  I’m not liking my hopes there either.   *sigh* Oh well, only one way to find out.  Sometimes I feel so alone.  Letting down the highest power there is?  It’s a pretty daunting feeling sometimes, and you need a lot of encouragement to keep your courage.  I think now is one of those times.  I just need to understand where I am in my life and understand that the God is always there for me, gay or straight.  God loves everyone equally and all sin is equal.  Bit of a rant here I know but God i needed it.  Thank God (pun intended) that this site exists I tell ya.  I

‘d be fucked if I couldn’t express my thoughts on paper.  Oh and if that girl who told me all that tonight is reading this, thanks for fucking up my thoughts.  I thought gay guys were the only ones who played attacking mind games.  Love you all.