Scored A Bargain!!

I’m quite proud of myself. I typed my first private entry this morning. I just had to, you know. I write public entries like this right, and it’s never really bothered me, but writing a private one was so much more dangerous. Like I wrote about the type of stuff that if people got their hands onto, I’d probably want to crawl into a hole and die. But damn it felt good. I’m so glad I did. I just had to vent into writing. Damn that felt good. Writing here feels good!

“Lost Without You” – Delta Goodrem

I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes
A little righteous and too proud
I just want to find a way to compromise
Cos I believe that we can work things out

I thought I had all the answers never giving in
But baby since you’ve gone I admit that I was wrong

All I know is I’m lost without you I’m not gonna lie
How am I going to be strong without you I need you by my side
If we ever say we’ll never be together and we ended with goodbye don’t know what I’d do …I’m
lost without you
I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I’m lost without you
I keep trying to face the day I’m lost without you

How am I ever gonna get rid of these blues
Baby I’m so lonely all the time
Everywhere I go I get so confused
You’re the only thing that’s on my mind

Oh my beds so cold at night and I miss you more each day
Only you can make it right no I’m not too proud to say

If I could only hold you now and make the pain just go away
Can’t stop the tears from running down my face
Oh

Luke and I have been finding out the annoying sides of each other lately. Like I hate it when he goes quiet on me and won’t tell me what’s wrong, which makes me think I’ve done something wrong, and I’m like a puppy dog begging his forgiveness… but most of the time it’s not usually to do with me. There’s just a lot on his mind and I need to understand that. I just keep thinking a lot about our D&M we had in the past week about living for God. SOme of my gay christian friends can do it, and it doesn’t bother them at all fucking guys and going to church on Sundays. Some create their own viewpoints on how they see it, and they stick to it, and can handle their relationships with God a lot better than others can I guess. Like my friend Matt in Perth. He’s been going out with my close mate Sam for over 2 years, and Sam doesn’t believe in God. Matt really wants him to, but Sam can’t just believe in someone he doesn’t think exists. So instead of breaking up with Sam, Matt treats him like shit. It’s only happened since Matt’s been getting more involved in the church and coming out to friends at his church. His church is huge though and is accepting of gays. Sam listens to Matt and doesn’t mind taking Matt to church and stuff, because Sam is in Love with Matt. Matt on the other hand, doesn’t believe he should be with someone who’s not a Christian. Yet he seems to be handling everything well. of course it’s annoying and hurtful that Sam is really hurting because Sam was the first gay guy I ever met, and that was online on Billyheads. I’d do anything for him, and now that he’s in trouble and on the other side of the country, I wish I could be there for him more. Matt’s actually envious of Luke and I. Because of the fact we are both gay Christians. It’s his dream to have a loving relationship with another Christian. Then Luke and I talked about our problems with dating each other and loving God at the same time. I’ve never cared for a guy more than I’ve cared for Luke. I know he feels the same for me, and friends of his tell me too. It’s a great feeling. But not all is perfect. Sure a relationship is fantastic. Yesterday was our 4 month anniversary. I bought Lukey a glass swan a few months ago, but only decided to give it to him now. He said he hasn’t seen it before, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he has, and just fibbed to me that he hadn’t. He really seemed to like it though, as well as the ‘being apart from you…’ card. I still can’t believe it’s been 4 months. I even said to him last night that it feels SO much longer. Probably because we’ve lived together since day 1 or 2 of our relationship. There really hasn’t been that long of a time where we haven’t seen each other, no more than 2 days apart and that hasnt happened very often. I would be lost without him in my life. i really would.

We went clubbing last night, to the Family. It was my first time there, and I thought it was quite a snazzy club. So many levels. It was totally packed out hey. Then we realised we had decided to go clubbing on the night before a public holiday (Anzac Day), hence why the clubs were packed to the brim and why the surcharges were so high also. I had fun there, I just felt uncomfortable that Luke kept looking around for a workmate that was suppose to be there, rather than having fun and dancing. Plus a lot of guys he recognised pissed him off. He ended up getting really tired, so I grabbed Subway from the mall and we ended up going home. Didn’t even meet up with Mick, which was the plan cos he was at the beat that night. Turns out he met a guy from my work who asked him out and he said yes. That sounds interesting haha. I thought the guy from my work had a boyfriend – guess not – unless he’s cheating or doesn’t beleive in Manogamy. Mick sounded happy, so I’m glad that’s worked out.

I’ve had the most boring day today, but the more I type, the better I feel. I’ve been thinking how cool it will be to look back on this diary, and actually bring back memories of my life when I was in my 20’s. That is of course unless it gets hacked again, but hey I guess that’s life. Why isn’t this site a secure site? They should make it like they do for the internet banking sites. i guess

it’s not as simple I guess just to do that, although it might solve a few problems. I wish i had my uncles job. He works for the police service – he’s the guy who tracks down the hackers and identifies them for Computer Crimes. Would be itneresting sitting there with all his technical gadgets and catching a hacker and going, ‘GOTCHA!’

I spent the entire of today watching ‘all aussie adventures’ on the comedy channel. 6 hours straight of episodes. Of course I was on the net at the same time. The most productive thing I did today was bring the washing in, but I was jsut so bored and lazy. Our work was closed today, so that means no-one had to turn up, but people got paid for it. Today being my day off, I didn’t get paid for it, but Damien reckons I might be elligible for another day off somewhere, because it’s unfair on me they get an extra day off and I don’t. I don’t really mind, but it would be cool to get another day off. I’ll just try not to be as bored shitless, but anything’s better than going to work. It can be fun i guess.

I stuck more posters all around the house. I reckon it looks pretty cool. Got a wall of girls and a wall of bands, which I know i’ve already mentioned but hey i’ll say it again. I’ve thought about rearranging this place jsut for a change, but I really can’t see much you can do with it. Our place is so small. I can’t believe we’ve nearly been here 3 months. We’ve only had 2 complaints in that time. Luke joked to me that they might not let us renew our lease. God that’d suck, then we’d have to go through all the drama of finding somewhere else to live again! That was scary, and it is nice here and we are saving money.

Speaking of saving money, i picked up a few bargains at the shopping centre. I bought 2 DVD’s – Wimbledon and Mean Girls from Big W. They were both advertised at $29.92 each. Anyway the girl behind the counter scanned Mean Girls, and it came up at $14.83, which wasn’t even advertised at that price, and I thought that was SWEET cos I haven’t seen it anywhere for under $32 until I saw the $29.92 price, so that was awesome! i didn’t say anything, why would I? I also bought an ink cartridge for $13 and a chocolate cos i was hungry for $3. Now you add those amounts up. My total came to $30.27. The chick must’ve mis-scanned the ‘wimbledon’ DVD! I couldn’t beleive it. The Wanzel gates didn’t even siren off as I went through, cos she did actually scan it, but for some reason it mustn’t have come up. So i’m not complaining, a $80 something order coming up at a total of $28.76 with my staff discount. The money i saved there partly was used in the rip-off clubbing prices last night. Damn it’s good when you realise you’ve saved money especially as it’s as hard to save here. Luke’s still gotta pay me his half of the rent, but I’m not gunna say anything. I’m sure he’ll remember. How weird, the ABN number for Big W is 11 111 111 111 – gee they musta been first in the gate when they applied! Still can’t get over that and my bargain. of course I had to do food shopping, but hey I guess I still saved a bit, i’m sure i’ve been ripped off enough times in the past.

Luke had to work today, probably one of the busiest days so I’m expecting him to be in a bad mood when he gets home haha. Considering everything else was closed except for maybe servo’s and other restaurants. He told me Ben at his work grabs his butt as he tries to squeeze past – i found that interesting, considering most other people grab his shoulders, cos the working space is apparently that small, you have to grab their shoulders to sqeeze past. I found it interesting that Ben grabs Luke’s butt haha. Very interesting for a straight guy. I told Luke I didn’t like other guys touching his butt, jokingly. Ben is Taylor’s best friend, and Taylor is one of my workmates. Very small world sometimes. And my new Perishables Manager used to work for my old boss at McCarther Central.

It’s amazing, sometimes I’ll be walking through a place like Southbank, and I’ll look at people and think, ‘wow, there’s so many amazing lives going on with all of these people, each a different story, a different journey, yet because they aren’t my friends and probably wouldn’t want to be, I never know what exactly their lives involve.’ You know, the people who walk past you as your walking on a sidewalk, off to some destination somewhere unknown, either happy with their life and depressed with it. Sometimes you can tell. Little kids don’t seem to care. It’d be great if we could all be little kids again. Little kids will scream out at the top of their lungs in the shopping centre if their mum won’t buy them something they want. They don’t care, they don’t realise, and they know they can get away with it. Now if an adult did the same thing, they’d probably be banned from the store or carried out by security. Strange isnt it? I think little things like that. Like see a cute guy or a beautiful girl in a street mall or at a club and think, ‘I wonder what your life’s like.’ But I can’t be friends with everyone I meet can I? Especailly not with my insecurities myself of what they’d think of me. Like even on gaydar, I get worried about clicking on the ‘that’s great’, or ‘that’s hot’ options when i see an attractive person I think I could be friends with. And geesh that’s only over the net. What are they gunna do? Punch me? I should listen to myself more, they’d probably see it as a compliment if anything, or an ego-boost to most who already have ego’s through the roof.

I still don’t know what I’m gunna do on my holidays. I’ve decided Melbourne but there’s something within me telling me I’m scared about going there. I don’t know why, I just wanna check it out. Probably because it’s new territory for me and I don’t know anyone there. At least when I went to Perth last year, I went with my cousin for the first week, and was with my friends for the second week. This time I’ll be all alone. Maybe I’ll be okay, maybe I won’t. I guess it’s all a learning experience, and I should conquer my fears. I just wish I was more confident. I could probably have so many more friends and or popularity if I did. I guess that just wasn’t for me 🙂

an american girl

April 25, 2005

I wanna read this private entry! It sounds naughty! I have a few private entries. And yeah, they’re good to write. *hugs* You’re loved. I hope you know that. And I do the same thing when Andrew goes all quiet on me … I think I said or did something and then I freak out and get all spaztic and insecure. It’s a vicious circle.