warning: sexual references

okay, I need to type this now, as a future entry may be not as positive.  I went out Friday night because Micheal was out.  Pretty much my whole night was spent with him, and he with me.  I met one of his friends, who i found out later on wasn’t allowed to lay his hands on me because micheal said ‘he’s my man!’ lol haha.  But things were interesting when we first got there.  His ex was there, i didn’t actually know which guy he was, but he was there because Micheal kept leading me to different areas of the club so we wouldn’t be near him.  But guess what, as soon as we got to the other upper-dancefloor, MY ex was in that room!  Micheal and I went and sat on the couches cuddling each other, and my ex and I waved at each other.  I felt so bad, he must’ve been hurting when he saw me – anyway he and his female friend sat on the couches next to us.  Micheal and I were kissing and I just tried not to focus that my ex was there.  Anyway we finally got up and left and went back to the other dancefoor and danced heaps.  Micheal’s ex had apparently disappeared so that was good.  He can’t stand him.  Troy was there too.  I can’t stand Troy, i just don’t trust one bit of him.  he got up me because I hadn’t called him – gee he wonders why i didn’t.  All he wants to do is what he does with everyone else, and personally he can go fuck himself as far as im concerned.  We were watching one of the drag shows they have throughout the night.  Micheal’s friends with all the drag queens, it’s quite amazing how he knows so many people.  Anyway all throughout the show, Micheal was standing in front of me, and Troy was standing behind me talking to me, and he told me that I should just be friends with Micheal because Micheal was going to try to get rid of me that night.  Micheal went to get a drink and Troy went to grab his number again for me because I lied that I lost it, so i used that time to escape the room and I went downstairs to the straight section and had a drink there trying to contemplate what I’d just heard.  Who was I suppose to believe?  I knew I was angry, but I didn’t know who at!  Could it be true?  Or was Troy bullshitting?  (Because at this stage I still thought Troy was an okay guy, he just slept around a lot.)  I sent Micheal a message asking if it was true.  He rang me asking where I was and I said I was outside (because I had to go outside to hear what he was saying).  He said ‘meet me at hte top of the stairs.  I went back up the stairs and sure enough he was standing there – I said to him what Troy had said (the message mustn’t have come through yet) and he looked pissed and assured me it wasn’t true and gave me a hug.  I felt safer.  I didn’t think Micheal could be that type of person.  I mean he’s gorgeous and all and only 18 but he’s incredibly sweet.  Anyway I think Micheal got a drink and went to talk to Kel and I went up on the dancefloor and kept dancing.  They started playing a song that I knew the music was familiar to.  And sure enough it was ‘total eclipse of the heart’ – now Micheal and I have a lot of memories with that song – whenever we hear it we think of each other like immediately and it reminds us how much we care for each other.  When i realised what song it was, I was looking around desperately for Micheal.  He couldn’t miss this.  Sure enough, a few seconds later, he appeared in front of me and we started dancing together.  It was the best part of the night, we held hands, hugged, twirled, dirty-danced, everything and towards the end of hte song we just leaned against the wall and made out.  See that’s what i like, the whole ramantic aspect of dating someone, even though Micheal and I are…well I dunno what you’d call us, really good friends I guess.  He’s not ready for a relationship and I can’t blame him, but I could so tell he was getting hornier as the night grew on.  We were making out more passionately and he kept saying things like ‘I want you, Matt’ and telling me sexual things he wanted to do.  Now you see, if we were boyfriends, i wouldn’t have a problem with what he was asking.  But as we’re not, and he knows that, I think he was getting annoyed that I wouldn’t go the whole way with him at the stage we were at together in our lives.  We keot reassuring that we love each other.  But you see my predicament?  Because when Troy had said what he did to me, I couldn’t keep it out of my mind.  I kept saying to myself ‘ok this could be true, highly doubtful but could be, and my other side was saying ‘no way hosay’ so I had to suss Micheal out a little.  Micheal said to me at one stage, “Matt, I’m 18, I can get fucked anywhere…” and he must’ve seen the look on my face or something cos he hesitated and continued with, “but i only want to do it with you.”  I don’t think he realises I could say the same thing to him (i kept getting asked for ID all night while Micheal would just walk straight in the doorway.  A bounder even came up to me while i was in the Wickham and checked to see if I had a stamp on my arm – i couldn’t believe it!), but I’m not like that.  Anyone who knows me knows I’m not.  That’s why i feel weird around Micheal.  I love him enough to do it with him, I know I do, but I also could get seriously hurt emotionally if I go ahead with it.  He assured me that it wouldn’t change anything between us, I don’t believe it will, we’re too close to each other for it to, but he was the one who got scared last time.  I guess i’ll see what happens when I see him this afternoon.  He’s so beautiful to me and me to him – but I just want you guys to know that if I get hurt, im probably gunna behave a littlke bit differently in future entries.  I so gotta stop worrying, but you don’t stuff around when it comes to intimacy.  Wish me luck!