pascal’s wager.

with all my random fucking health ailments wearing me down over the past three months, that’s actually something that’s crossed my mind now. pascal’s wager, for those who don’t know, posits that there’s more to be gained from wagering on the existence of God than from atheism, and that a rational person should live as though God exists, even though the truth of the matter cannot actually be known. i copypasta’d that from wikipedia, because i’m lazy, but the idea has been in my head ever since my dabbling into buddhism a few years back. it actually does make a lot of sense, to amateur religious nut brandon, though. i mean, think about it.

pick belief in god, however scant it may be. if right, woot, heaven! if wrong, meh, the absolution. (my pet name for the darkness/void/nothingness that exists after life, that always makes ths gaping, hollow hole open up in my chest every time i even mention it, especially now that the days of good health for me may be past.)

pick atheist doctrine. if right, well, damn, absolution. if wrong…eternal damnation!

i’m probably going to start going to church. only because i’d rather at least give it a half-assed try now while it’s not considered to be a deathbed confessional. i already have my plan for that.

*calls in closest friend/loved one* i have…*cough* something dear to tell *sputter/wheeze* you.

*friend leans in* yes, what is it, brandon?

*i slap the back of loved one’s head* LAST TAG, YOU FUCK! *die with hand affixed to loved one’s head*

even staring death in the face, i don’t plan on taking it seriously, if it can at all be helped. as seriously scared as death makes me, i still attempt to find some humor in the gallows, i suppose.

i’ve unintentionally been thinking about that a lot lately, too. it’s one of those lifelong fascination/obsessions that i never seem to get over. it’s unnatural, i think, how my thoughts work.

like fireflies in a snowstorm, i suppose.