One Very Enlightening Peach

I started this diary as a manner to get everything I wanted to off my chest. I wanted to talk to someone who wouldn’t know who I was, where I came from, in hopes of not being judged. It also started when I lived vicariously through other diarists here, and one by one, they disappeared and I took that as my cue to begin writing. While I got to read the lives of other people and vice versa, I achieved much, much more.

The night LoGan and I talked over everything I tried going to sleep but it just wasn’t happening. What I did was I read through some old notes on here and wondered about the people that wrote them. When the notes didn’t make sense or were written in context to my entries, I decided to read my entries to better understand them. I read and read over old entries mainly laughing at myself. The situations that I wrote about were nothing but silly, every-day happenings. I started with what I wrote for my first day as a sophomore in high school and meeting Davies and David Flinders.

Ridiculous. I had forgotten how much I wanted to get to know David those first few days until Destinee expressed interest in him. Continuing on my adventure through memory lane I read about my first experiences with Urban Expressions and getting to know Troy and Alyssa in the process. An entry that hit close to home was about one of the nights my mom and I kicked my dad out of the house. The entire time I read that entry I wanted more details. I wanted to know what possessed my mom and her boss to finally change the locks. I wanted to know why my dad was drunk that time. I wanted to know where my sisters were in all of this, and I wanted to know, most of all, why I wrote about it.

As much as I read that entry, I know I was there but I imagined everything from a third-person perspective. That caused the problem of not being able to remember things as they happened and only having my few words to go by to create a picture in my mind. I soon realized that it was the same with each and every entry that hasn’t been recent enough for me to remember what I saw with my own two eyes. For example, if I wrote about my dinner tonight, I would picture things as I saw them a few hours ago. But if I read about a dinner I had six years ago, even though I know that I saw that dinner myself, I won’t remember or recreate what I saw with my two eyes but I’d picture myself seeing that dinner.

In a way, this is bad. I lack all the details I wanted to write about. But in a way, this is also good, as it allows great retrospection.

I eventually read the entry about my first kiss.  At that time, I thought about using a musical note as my signature to ensure his and my safety in case it fell into the wrong hands. A few nights ago I gave myself a very large pat on my back and commended myself for being marvelously clever for using a musical note. Also, back then, I remember thinking kissing Kaden was only amazing whereas a few nights ago I remember thinking, "FUCK YEAH! You get his lips and suck them dry! You go, baby homo!" Then I thought to myself, "Wait, wait… that’s me! That was me! Oh man… I’m so awesome!" And I had a perma-smile on my face. The fact that I could read about my past and be proud of what happened… it was an uplifting moment. I stopped reading there and tried to go to bed.

As I lied in bed, tossing and turning, I kept thinking. That moment that I had when I read a success story about myself, I needed that more often. I need to tell myself I’m more astounding than I am. Then I remembered what happened after the kiss. Those constant nights of tormenting myself because I wanted a guy I couldn’t have, the times I hated the new kid for getting close with who I considered my guy, the times I wanted him to text me and as soon as he did frowning because that’s all I’d ever get…. I drew correlations.

This is incredibly, INCREDIBLY similar to what is going on now, but very different. And I thought… "Okay, okay. Fifteen year old me overcame this obstacle by doing absolutely nothing. So what am I doing now?"  I can’t help but beat myself up for the fact that these feelings won’t go away. But they WILL go away! I always knew the saying "history repeats itself" was possibly true, but now I’ve seen it in action, sort of. The fact that my emotions are taking over my life is a bit far-fetched, but LoGan said himself that I hardly show emotion. I don’t know if it’s because of my story and all the chapters involved but I embraced the fact that my emotions are very well-contained.

Yesterday at work I was pissed off. I couldn’t determine the reason why I was pissed off, and that made me angry that much more. I hardly made small talk with my coworkers and when I did, I instantly felt uninterested in what they had to say. They tried talking to me and I remember walking away from them mid-sentence. It was rude of me, and I will be apologizing in the future. Even when LoGan came up to me and asked if I was alright I gave him a fake answer. I told him that I was over the workplace and I just wanted to get out of there. I actually really like where I work and that’s no lie. I only said something so that he wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. Megan asked me what was wrong as well, and I told her that I felt like Haley, another coworker who is notorious for blowing up and crying all the time. When Megan proceeded to ask me if I knew why I was feeling negative, I glared at her and then walked away. She kept attempting to talk to me throughout the night but I kept shooting her down.

As for now, I still don’t know why I was in a pissy mood. I’m upset at the fact that I didn’t treat my coworkers right. Maybe I was due for a poopy day but they didn’t have to have a poopy day because of me either. At the end of the night LoGan mentioned staying after for a while. I contemplated staying and hanging out but I super quickly decided against it. If my coworkers, who I consider all my friends, couldn’t cheer me up, nothing would. So I started for home to get into bed.

When I finally did get into bed, I couldn’t sleep. Tired and pissed off on a poopy day was not okay. I tried sleeping without music, then with music. While the music was on I noticed that even though I felt like I was sleeping I followed along with every song that played. My brain would just not shut the fuck up. The sheets and blankets on my bed eventually felt uncomfortable so I kicked them off, but then I got cold, so I put them back on again, but they were all wrinkly and not smoothie like they usually are. My pillows smelled like Kenneth hair so I switched some pillowcases and that instead made the smell of my detergent just as irritating as Kenneth hair.

I don’t think I was more irritable in my life. Coworkers, work, walking, bed linens, music, pillows, temperature, and worst of all, my mind. So many things eventually made me think the words, "I want to stab myself." I even tweeted it. I checked

what was trending on Twitter. #ABestFriend. I read what people had to say about their best friends. I retweeted some and sent out my own. I got responses saying that I needed to get to bed and that I was blowing up people’s phones with my tweets. I didn’t care. I was trying to distract myself from all the irritability that was going on. After my Twitter escapade, I finally fell asleep. It was seven thirty in the morning. People were waking up at that time. I was barely sleeping.

Today I cleaned the majority of my apartment. I left the kitchen for Skylar as it was more disgusting than an ogre’s vagina and it was his fault. It was a good day today, and now that I’m done I’m about to spend time with two of my favorite Brothers.

Here’s to sleep and to a good day tomorrow. It won’t be poopy, that’s for sure. 🙂