Guardian Force **EDIT**

There’s a song that’s playing right now. It’s a remix of a tune from a certain video game. The remixer mentions that this certain arrangement was to evoke feelings of emptiness and solitude, seeing as how it was over halfway completed when his grandfather died. Regardless, it also conveys strong, stoic emotions. But, at the same time, it’s sounds like the liberation a person may receive after a really great cry.

I can’t quite tell what it is about this song that I like. None of the instruments are real, and yet, the emotion is. I’m feeling pretty emotional. Not in the "I need watermelon, pickles, mayonnaise, and chalk because I’m menstruating" way. I just feel lonely, I guess. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I woke up this morning feeling alright. I did some exercises and wore my new sexy-ass jeans. As the day went on I started feeling more and more depressive. I watched a movie with Benjamin Bratt. I usually don’t like the guy, but he was great in this film. I can’t remember what it was called, though.

I haven’t eaten anything in all day. Actually, that’s false. I ate half a handful of almonds and sunflower seeds. I’ve been told before that I get moody if I don’t eat. I don’t believe that. Actually, if I ate, I don’t think it’d make me feel any better. Nothing’s wrong, I don’t think. It may be the fact that I’m preventing myself from getting what I want.

Ugh, being cryptic sucks. I’ve wanted to contact LoGan all day. He’s back in town from visiting his sister. I want to know how it went. Let’s get real. I also want to know if he’ll do things with Justin again. In one way I really want to know, and I’d rather he tell me instead of me getting it out of him. I’m waiting around to get a text from him asking me if I want to visit Suzette tonight, or if I want to run to Burger King real quick. I also know that if I don’t initiate it, it won’t happen. I watched the movie earlier to get my mind to stop thinking, to stop creating alternate universes in my thoughts. I want my brain to stop.

A couple of my fraternity Brothers have revealed to me that they’ve recently discovered marijuana. It’s taking a lot of control to not pick up my phone and ask them to bring some over, as risky as it may be. I know if I smoke it’ll stop my thoughts. If I resort to a third-party option, I’ll never learn to deal with this sort of thing by myself. A coworker has been resorting to drugs recently to get rid of all unpleasant feelings and thoughts. I talked to this individual and I said that all drugs did was hide the problem for a couple of hours at a time, and as great as it feels, the problem will always end up surfacing, and possibly even worse. If I said this to my coworker and went off to smoke some weed I’d be called a hypocrite. I can’t consume. But it’s hard.

I’m all hurty and in the dark place. LoGan can easily break me out of this jail. My Brothers with the help of a little herb can also very well envelop me in the happy. Something else that will make me happy is if all the things that cause the hurty dark place to happen would just… disappear. That’s something for a fairy tale. I need a magical witch that, in exchange for my voice, I can be eternally happy. But even then, I wouldn’t be able to talk, and that’s something that I kind of really need to do, so what’s the point? 😛

No weed. It may stop my thoughts, but it won’t resolve anything. No alcohol. It’ll ruin my Sexy for Birthday movement that I’ve got going on. No food. It’s not that I don’t want to eat, I just can’t feel my hunger, but I know it’s there. And no initiating anything with LoGan. 1) I don’t know what’ll happen and 2) I’ll let him come to me. I gave him a lot. I need something in return.

**EDIT**

Well, shit. I just went back on my own word. 😛

**EDIT EDIT**

I don’t know why, but whenever I’m a Negative Nancy, I really try to not show it to the world. I know that life doesn’t go as planned. DUH. What have my last few entries been about? My life not being what I want it to be. I’m bitter. I’m bitchy. I’m not happy, not glad, and most definitely, not okay with what just happened.

I just went to Denny’s with LoGan after he stated he wanted to do something tonight. We were expecting to visit our favorite Suzette of all, but she was not there. Instead all I got was half silent treatment, half "I don’t want to be here/this place sucks/I hate it here/Hate hate hate/glare glare glare/OH, well, yup" which can easily be summed up in the first statement, "I don’t want to be here."

Why he agreed to go to Denny’s with me in the first place is beyond me. If he forced himself to be there with me just because he thinks I wanted that, he’s got another thing coming. He didn’t even eat! He sipped on his Dr. Pepper the entire time. I tried to not bring up anything that would piss him off. I didn’t know that would include everything in the world.

I mentioned my new jeans pockets. Completely uninterested. I asked about his weekend with his sister. Short, concise, prompt. I received few details, and the way LoGan is, I was expecting flailing arms, loud voices, smiles and laughter from all the good times he had with his sister and her roommate. I got "meh." 

I started him down and asked if there was anything bothering him. I brought up the fact that Justin befriended Kenneth on Facebook. I was expecting to hear something regarding the frequency of texts from Justin, but I didn’t get anything. All I got was, "Yup." 

So when he dropped me off I just left his car. He didn’t want me around, so I gave him something he wanted. Something I knew I could fulfill for his happiness.

And now he’s texting me. *sigh*