happiness_in_a_pill : the contempt

so, i hate doctors. i hate adult mental health specialists. i hate the fact that i don’t have enough money to get so drunk that my liver will jump out of my stomach and start kicking me for abuse. i hate my need to control. i hate myself and everything i do to people. i hate the fact that i had to suffer unnecessarily for over two months because someone doesn’t/didn’t do their FUCKING job. i hate the fact that my doctor doesn’t want to ‘poison’ me with what may be my only form of salvation because he’s scared i’ll kill myself anyway. what does it matter to him, except not having income off of me. if he thinks the drugs will work then prescribe them, let me sign a waver of responsibility, i don’t care. not even self inflicted death can be worse than this. i hate the inaudible whispers i hear when i have a second to myself. i hate the fact that i say things to friends and later regret it because i was too busy focusing on everything in my head. i hate the fact that i feel selfish for trying to help myself. i hate waking up each day and wishing i was dead. i hate the fact that everytime i get in my car i have an urge at least every five minutes to plow it into anything that will do me some damage. i hate the fact that for no specific reason i cry myself to sleep each night.  i hate myself for being too weak to control my life, or if not that, for not knowing how to control my life.

i hate too often, too much and too strongly. i hate to hate, because you say "i told you so" too much.

SImoN
happiness_in_a_pill