7/1/07

Trying to get used to being grown up. It’s hard. Almost killed me to cash my check and get a money order for over half of it for just my rent. But handing my landlord the rent 5 days early made me so happy inside. Then, went to Wal-mart and bought groceries. Felt even better when I still had money left in my pocket. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. The whole Weslie situation pretty much made me sick of dating the same old guys. I was a little upset for a couple days, but mostly because I was ashamed of myself for thinking I had to put up with his stupid shit just because I needed to feel wanted. Does that make sense? I guess maybe it does to me.*shrugs* I’m tired of being alone. I’ve been tired of being alone so long now, that sometimes it gets the best of me, and I make bad decisions based on my loneliness instead of what’s really best for me. I become blind to the truth. I hate when I know the truth, and refuse to admit it. Weslie called me the other night trying to come through and get some ass. I stood my ground and told him no. He told me he got a new phone, and that I could call him if I want to. Without really looking at the number, I deleted it out my phone. I went through and took out every number I had for him. His mama’s, his sister’s, and every other number I had saved in my phone. I only know 2 of them by heart…one’s turned off, and the other he’s never there. That’s good for me. I want him out of my system. He’s not good for me. I’ve come too damn far to lose it all now. Weslie is the type to drag you down. I need someone that’s going to help me better myself. I’ve starting dating someone else. It’s something new and different. He’s not black.He’s been in my life for about 5 months now. I’ve always kept him at a distance because he was white not my type, but in the end, he’s been there. When I needed someone to talk, he listened. He’s been more than patient with me.  He got frustrated once, and made a comment he should’ve kept to himself and I stopped talking to him. I missed him like crazy. I seen him in the parking lot at work, and we made up, and he kept pushing, but I was with Weslie, and didn’t want him to know. We’ve been talking since I kicked Weslie out my life. I love the attention he gives me. He tells me how beautiful I am every day. He makes me feel special. He’s a good dad, pays his child support. For 4 kids. Yes, he’s got 4 and takes care of all of them. I’ve seen his pay stubs, the money comes right out his checks. He also makes good money. What the hell was I thinking dating Weslie when I had a real man that wanted me? Seriously? He took me and Micah out to eat the other night and he’s even a good tipper. (that’s important. I’ve been a waitress.) I’m ashamed to admit we had sex last week. Better than Weslie. I guess maybe because it was all about ME for once. I won’t go into details, but just know he made me knees weak. It was great. So far, so good.
I’m not getting my hopes up because I always end up hurt. But it’s nice so far. He lives far from me, and he got laid off today.  He swears up and down he’s still going to see me, and nothing will change other than us being together at work. It made me sick to my stomach, because we mostly see each other at work, and rarely afterwards because he has 2 of his kids for the summer. I just gotta be patient. And faithful. I’ve got a good man on my hands for once, I gotta try to do right by him. And myself. I’m out of here for now. Gotta gossip with Dana, lol.