This & That
Your plan was to talk to her last night about ‘the other man’. You said that you’d tell me in a day or two how it goes. Sadly, I think I know exactly how it’s going to go. I hope that I’m wrong but I see her saying anything, doing anything and agreeing to anything just to *fix* everything with you…anything to placify you. And knowing you, you will believe her and forgive her claimed stupidity. For your sake I hope that you don’t let it be snowed over because there’s no way she was completely innocent…my gut says it’s *something*, yours does and everyone else says so as well. An innocent woman is not going to invite a man to her house, have dinner with him, drink with him, watch movies with him( and anything else that happened that hasn’t come out yet) and not even mention a word of it to her husband. I really wish I could say she’s just that stupid but there’s no way you’d marry someone that stupid. So, please, be careful.
When we were talking about divorce stuff and you asked if I was alright, I said that I was fine but I was actually in tears…you probably already know, I’ve never been able to hide anything from you and you immediately knew something was wrong. You were talking about sticking it out because of something, you know what that something is, but do you realize that is another TEN YEARS????? If it comes down to it are you seriously willing to put yourself through ten years of being just "there" and unhappy for that reason? Do you realize you will just be teaching that "you should stay in a relationship even if you’re unhappy after you’ve done everything you can and then some"? Among other things. There are so many reasons that wouldn’t be the best thing at all. I am not saying any of this to you for my benefit at all, I am telling you the truth because these are things I would tell my best friend and that is what you are to me first and foremost. I mentioned to someone that I wasn’t going to say anything like this to you because I don’t want you to ever think I’m giving you advice to change things for my benefit. She said that’s ridiculous and asked me what I would say to her or any of my other friends if they were in the same situation and I told her I’d say the exact same thing, she said EXACTLY! She has a point. Also I know that you know me better than anyone in this world and you know without a doubt that I would never be self-serving like that.
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Now that I have said that…here are my personal, romantic feelings. I wanted to separate this into another paragraph because I don’t want it correlated with the last paragraph. As you can imagine, it’s really hard to support the man I love and want so much being with someone else *but* when it comes to your happiness I’d do anything for you, including grinning and bearing it. Can you imagine how it would be spending the next ten years seeing you miserable, even if you won’t classify it as that? Even the thought is enough to bring me to tears, as you saw. I can only imagine if that came to be. The selfish part of me is asking "If it comes to the point where you’ve done all that you can and it’s just over with her…haven’t we already wasted enough of our lives apart?" I know that everything happens for a reason and that things will be when we are meant to be but 18yrs have already passed us by.
After this week I can safely say that I was right about why I probably blocked out that last time that I came to visit you. I can only imagine how I’d feel right now if I had actually seen you this past week instead of just being as close as we could from far away. On the plus side it’s good to know that you share at least some of these feelings, if not all. I miss you…so very much in so many ways.
On that note, I’m off to preoccupy myself with something for awhile. I love you.