Things I’d Never Say

Since I met you I knew it was kismet. I fell in love with you when I was 15yo. Now 18yrs later I still love you so vastly, so completely, so deeply, so truly that it cannot even be put into words. You are my best friend, my confidant, the man that has always held my heart and soul, my desire, my breath of fresh air, my hope, my love and my soulmate. So many years I’ve suffered in silence, others knowing the entirety but you only knowing what you can feel from so many miles away, because your happiness means more to me than my own. If that means someone else is in your arms then that is how it has to be.

It broke my heart when I found out that you thought I got married because I had given up on you. I never gave up on you, ever, I just thought that you didn’t want me for whatever reason. I thought that I only felt the magic, the completeness, of our fairytale love. In all honesty I was trying to move on and if I hadn’t married him he would have had to leave the country. As you know the marriage only lasted for a couple months before we retreated to different rooms and separated even though we had to live under the same roof. Which is when I came to see you. I don’t know why I blocked out most of the trip…I can only guess it’s because I felt that you still didn’t want me and I didn’t want to have even more magical memories that I thought were one sided. We didn’t get back together then and I don’t know why.

When you got married it broke my heart all over again. I really thought that in the end we’d end up together. It shattered my hopes of us ever getting back together because when we talked about marriage before you always said that marriage was forever, that once you got married you’d grow old with that person. Since you I’ve been going through life searching for something that can even remotely fill your empty place. I found companionship, I found love…but as you said "She just isn’t you…" it’s the same…they just aren’t you and no one but you can fill that place. No one will ever be wrapped around my heart and soul like you are. People say that there is that one person out there that we are meant for and are meant for us. You are my "One" and you always will be no matter what.

These last few days I have been beside myself. I felt the change Friday when you first messaged and then all of the things happened that happened in your life over the weekend made Monday open the doors that have been welded shut for so many years. Part of me wants to disconnect, to shelter my heart…part of me wants to hope…part of me wonders if the emotions that are spinning out of control can be corralled again after being freed from their gilded cage. I’ve felt more alive in the past few days then I have in so many years…more whole…it’s made me realize that I’ve grow accustomed to a dim existence because that is what it is without you.

I am not sure that I should be telling you all of this right now…or any of it for that matter. I know that I am not at all a part of the downfall, that’s at her hands, but I don’t want to be any part of that demise either. Like I told you when I said that I love you so very much, that I’m here for you always, that I will support you unconditionally no matter what you choose to do but that I won’t express my feelings, opinions, etc about it because I don’t want our relationship tainted by being any part of it. If we ever do end up back together again I want to know it’s because you’ve traveled the road that you needed to and that it lead back to me…I want to know that it’s real, that I am truly wanted, loved, desired, etc and not at my hands…you know? Well, I know that you love me very much…I’ve always known that, never doubted it for a moment and I never will.

Boomerangs and Sliding Doors. Two wonderful movies even if only because they paint our lives on the screen.

I love you. I always will. No matter what.