First morning.

Good morning, Open Diary, you old scoundrel you.

It’s odd, because I don’t know who is reading.  Do I owe anyone an explanation as to where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to?  Do I even bother?  Wouldn’t everyone who actually knows me know from FB what I’ve been up to?  (Well….mostly at least).

I don’t know.

All except two days of my life are deleted from this place, but the shell of this place remains.  I like that.  I like that there is part of this that is the old me but that it is empty and so that part is the new me.  Or the current me.  Am I really new?  Am I really that different?  I don’t think so.  Is that sad or wrong?  Should I work harder to grow?  Have I grown more than I realized?

Who cares.

4 kids and 2 (going on 3) college degrees later…

This year will be 14 years of marriage to my husband.  I’ve known this man over 15 years.  It has been an ugly 15 years.  Maybe that’s not quite accurate.  If I say it’s ugly, am I saying it was never good?  No, that’s not true.  I wouldn’t say that.

It’s been ugly, though.  I laugh when I think of social media, about the message that is out there.  I caution everyone I know not to believe social media.  Social media is the picture that the person wants to paint to the world.  Oh, look, here is the happy picture of whoever going on vacation.  See how happy we look?

But it’s a single image.  It is almost meaningless.  Honestly, it is.  Some facebook post that asks the Social Media Gods for some recommendation for a “romantic restaurant” or a “family friendly vacation spot.”  See how good life is?  And yet in reality, I often find that life is not what is portrayed on social media.

Life lives in places like this, for those who choose to share it in this way.

I was last here in 2014.  At that time, I had 2 children.  Now I have 4.

When I was here in 2014, my father was alive.  But he died in late 2015 from prostate cancer.  That isn’t the full story. I will share the full story at some point, but not today.

When I was here in 2014, I had a sister, 3 nephews, and an ACL.  I have none of those today.

When I was here in 2014, I had a bachelor’s degree.  Now I have a master’s degree.

When I was here in 2014, my husband was working at what I thought was a great job.  But he was laid off recently…and still isn’t working.

When I was here in 2014, my mother lived in her house with my father in another state.  Now she lives 15 minutes from me in an apartment community designed for the elderly.

When I was here in 2014, my sister was married and living….in one of the dilapidated homes she’s owned two hours from me in a rural area.  Now she lives 10 minutes from me, and we’re in court together.

When I was here in 2014, I had two cats and had recently lost my dog.  They both died.  Now I have six cats and two dogs; one of whom is a pit bull.

A lot has changed.  But I think a lot has stayed the same.  I still piss people off.  I get blocked regularly on Facebook. (This is actually true.)  I usually realize this when I am in groups, and I realize people are commenting on things I can’t see.  I always feel mixed when I notice this.  Part of me is hurt. Part of me says fuck you.  I know who I am inside, even if I am one of the most misunderstood people I know.

I am still committed to the things I’ve always cared about.  The DNA of who I am remains the same.  I am still restless, sometimes unhappy, dissatisfied with things I see or experience, and desperate to change them.  I am still, at heart, a romantic optimist who comes off as a tragic pessimist.  Even my own husband doesn’t understand that.

Maybe I have changed more than I realized, or maybe I have stayed the same and simply sharpened who I am.  I’m in my mid 40’s now (FUCKING HELL), I guess I am at the right time to figure this shit out.

Welcome back, OD.