Anxiety

I am feeling anxious.  I wish I had some Valium. 

I just found out that the my son’s Cub Scout group has already started having meetings.  I did not get an e-mail about when and where the meetings were to start.  For some reason this is really bothering me.  A couple of weeks ago his den leader assistant sent out an e-mail that she was leaving with the den leader to another pack and that meetings would resume for the year starting this week.  When I did not receive a pack e-mail with any information, I e-mailed the Cubmaster as suggested by the now ex-den leader assistant,  he said my son’s den is meeting on Monday’s.  I e-mailed the other parents of the den to let them know and one of the replied that they already know and went to a meeting last week.  How did that parent know and I did not?  It is silly to let this bother me but for some reason it is feeding my anxiety.

I also have been looking at foreclosed homes again.  I found a house that is within my price range that is really close to my son without moving too close to his mom.  Though, I am not too crazy about the city.  The house is really cheap but has foundation issues.  I asked my realtor friend Bryan to see what kind of information he could pull up.  He said that house sold for $168k three years ago and that there were two previous attempts to purchase the house that fell through.  The house is now listed for $68k.  My friend Bryan speculates that with that type of price drop that the foundation issue must be really major.  I am hoping that any issues are minor and that buyers are being scared off by just seeing the phrase "Foundation settlement" on the disclosure form.  We are going to take a look at the house anyway.  My friend also mentioned that with that type of issue I may have to pay cash or pay for the repairs.  I do not understand how that works.  Why would I pay for a repair on a house that I do not own?  I will discuss that when I see him next.  But, this also has me anxious.

As of the present, I do not have a rent payment.  My mom lets me live in her house (she lives in another house).  The house is paid for.  She pays the taxes and all she asks is that I help pay for the lawn service that comes out.  So, I have been saving money in a savings account and my retirement account.  I have also spent some money with a few trips to Chicago and a few trips to the Caribbean.  I do not think I would have been able to afford these trips had I had to pay rent or a mortgage.  Yet, here I am looking to get into a mortgage.  I won’t have the financial freedom that I have now.  That is a very scary prospect.  I saw this commercial where new parents were excited about a plan to help save $10k for college or other venture by the time their newborns turn 18.  Because of my current situation, I have been able to save that amount for him and he is now 8.  I don’t want all that money to get eaten up by closing costs.

Another thing that has been eating me up is my lack of a girlfriend.  I get lonely.  I lay on the couch staring at the ceiling asking myself how much longer can I stand this lonliness.  I have been trying to change my habits and behavior in hopes that I will find the path to a girlfriend.  I am now growing out my hair.  Usually, I maintain a military style hair cut.  I started going to a church.  I hate going to church.  It is a Unitarian church so it is not very religious and in fact the church has an athiest minister give a sermon.  That was pretty cool I must admit.  It is the social aspect of church that makes me sick with anxiety.  I find it so hard to socialize with strangers.  I do not know how much longer I can keep going.  Though I did not go these past 3 Sundays, I will probably go this coming Sunday.  I have also started jogging typically in the mornings.  A co-worker called wanting a jogging partner so I said yes.  I am way out of shape so she leaves me behind but she still likes having me in the area.  I think it motivates her to have a witness of her trying to stay in shape.  I do not how long I want to keep going with the jogging but I know I need to.

I have also been avoiding Bonnie or at least not making any attempt to contact her.  I miss her.  But, I want our relationship to change.  I do not want her to see me as a friends-only guy.  I do not really want her as a girlfriend and me her boyfriend.  For a lack of a better term, I want a friends with benefits relationship with her.  The last we talked was about two weeks ago.  She did try calling me a few days ago but I had her calls set to go straight to voicemail.  She did not leave a message or attempt to call back.