September 29, 2013

Thirty

I made it! Yayyyyyy!! *happy dance*

Ho hum. I just checked out my entries from this time last year. They were about Dean and then how there was no Dean. And exactly how Manwhore fit into that, I’m not so sure. They were about changing jobs and how things were different between the two. I was proud, nervous, scared.

So where am I now?

Instead of Dean, there’s Brendan. And he’s just as perfect as Dean was to me…but he’s more real. I didn’t know Dean for long but in my head, he was the kind of guy I wanted to be with. He was funny, charismatic and understanding. Seemed like a genuinely good guy. Except for deciding he didn’t want to see me anymore because he wasn’t over someone else and various other reasons of which god knows what was true but oh well, we all get confused about how to deal with things from time to time. And here I’d write all the nice things I think of Brendan but I’m too scared to write it and make it real. Because I’m already attached and invested and that scares me. Especially with the December timing looming.

And Manwhore is completely out of the picture. I was always too scared to admit how much his companionship meant to me. And then he was gone just like that. We didn’t even really say goodbye. So I coped for awhile and I was busy and everything was okay. We chatted a little on Facebook every now and then. But then I was not busy or it was just time or something and it sort of hit me how much I missed him and how much I felt like I couldn’t talk about that because duh, I did it to myself. We did that to each other. While I love him and I love what we had and I wouldn’t change it… It does seem just so, so silly to look back on. I think the hardest part of it was that there wasn’t really a ‘thing’ to get over. I just had to wake up one day and let go, move on. So, after one drunken message to him saying I missed him and that I was drunk and was saying things I knew weren’t okay, I impulsively deleted him from my Facebook. It’s much easier now I don’t see his photos or anything. I still feel absolutely ridiculous for deleting him but it’s helped. I still miss him but it’s a different kind of missing. I’ve let go and that’s really nice to be able to say.

So the jobs… That’s turned out okay too. I haven’t for one moment regretted leaving my last job. That was most definitely the right decision for me. I think part of me broke (or grew) a little when I had to do that. It was probably the first time in my life that I made an important decision with only myself in mind. I’ve never been a selfish person and actually standing up for myself and going after what I needed was really good for me. I remember I was feeling a little nervous and unsure about it all and one of my then colleagues said to me, "How many people here do you think have ever made a decision with you in mind?" and that’s really stuck with me. Sort of helps me evaluate things in a way I never would have before. I still miss some of the guys I used to work with but hey, that’s life.

I’m pretty happy where I am now. Of course there are frustrations here and there but that’s work… If it was all happy and cruisey smiles I wouldn’t be getting paid for it. The people are nice too. I still don’t feel quite the same friendship I had with the guys at my old work but that’s okay. It’s only been a year and these things take time. Especially with socially awkward accountants like myself 😉

This was not the entry I was planning to write as Thirty at all but this is the way it has gone. I guess there are a few things there I needed to get off my chest.

Hope you’re all doing well.

Promise I’ll update again soon. Not tomorrow though! You guys deserve a BREAK from me!
-Nicole