can’t sleep

I tried so hard to get a full night’s sleep tonight.  I even slept in Jacob’s room, away from the kids and the noise, because I haven’t had enough sleep in, quite literally, weeks, and I have to be at work at 6am. 

So naturally, I woke up at two and couldn’t get back to sleep, and now it’s almost three thirty.  I have to get in the shower in an hour, so I’m wondering if it’s pointless to try sleeping again.  I hate these early mornings so much; I much prefer waking up naturally to the blaring horn of the alarm on my cell phone. 

I’ve got a lot on my mind tonight, and a lot that I’m worried about.   It’s nothing I necessarily want to get into right now, because I’m not even sure if the things I’m worried about mean anything.  I know that sounds horribly cryptic and mysterious, but I’m not trying to be.  I’m just trying to get things straight in my own head right now, and it’s difficult. 

Sometimes, I just wish life was much simpler, more black and white, and I didn’t have to worry about so many of these gray areas.   I wish I could trust all the things that people tell me and take them for the truth, but I’m afraid that I’m always going to be this cynical and unbelieving.  It’s hard, to always wonder if certain people are lying to me or trying to hide things from me.  I wish I could be more…innocent, I guess, but all of my experiences with people throughout my life have made me this way. 

So now I’m awake in the middle of the night, getting ready to go put in nine hours at work when I’m not rested, and I wish I had a good excuse to stay home. 

I just….need a break, I think.  Some time to myself to decompress and get recentered so that I can concentrate on what’s important.