feeling neurotic tonight*

 I was in a good mood for most of the day today.  Aaron and the kids pitched in with me to clean the living room up this morning, everyone was getting along, and I was feeling pretty optimistic. 

I managed to forget that this whole process is a rollercoaster and sometime I have to reach the top of the hill and start back down. 

I’d been doing some thinking about things, about if I was willing to just let the text message issue go.  I was thinking about if the not knowing would be worse than knowing, and I was actually starting to decide that it wasn’t.  But then Aaron called after work and told me to "not wait up." Said he had to go out to check on his friend’s house, but that was two hours ago and I don’t go to bed for another hour. 

There might be absolutely nothing suspicious about that.  He might be checking on the house and spending some time to himself since he’s been stuck in the house with me for the past couple of days.  But, the thing is, the first thing that comes to my mind is that he’s trying to hide something from me, and whether he is or not, I’ve realized that I’m not going to be able to proceed in any direction without complete and total honestly and openness. 

That’s a hard enough concept in itself, because I’ll be expected to reciprocate.  I’m not proud of it, but I tell little lies to the people I’m close to all the time, to protect myself emotionally.  I don’t like that I do it, but after so long, it’s kind of like a reflex action.  And I’m not an open person, at all.  With anyone.  When I was little, I was ridiculed and laughed at and teased and made to feel like my feelings weren’t important to such an extent that I just never grew out of holding everything close to my chest.  Because if I do that, then I can’t be seen as weak, and I can’t stand anyone to pity me. 

This diary is the most open I am with anyone anywhere in my life.  And believe me, I know exactly why that is – it’s because I don’t have to face any of my readers tomorrow, or the next day, or the week after, and obsess about what they’re thinking about me now that I’ve bared my soul. 

I know that my lack of openness and my inability to share things is definitely one of my own failings that contributed to the downfall of our relationship, and I know that this is going to be insane hard on me, to reverse 20 years of ingrained behavior.  But the point is, I’m willing to try.  If he isn’t, then I guess I have my answer, huh? 

I guess, after writing all this down, I’m wondering if I should just call him to see if he’s willing to come over so we can talk about this while it’s fresh in my mind, and before I chicken out and change my mind again.  Right this second, I’m leaning toward calling him. 

ETA: I just took a peek out the bedroom window at the end of the house to find that, no he isn’t out checking at the friend’s house (although I’m sure he was headed there when he first called me).  He’s parked at the neighbor’s house, the one I walked down and dragged him away from the night we had our big fight.  Why mislead me about going there? 

Now I know for sure I am calling him, because I’m not going to be able to rest until I put this to bed for the night.

 

(And can I just say, before I log off, that I’m SO grateful to all you guys?  I am.  Like I said, I can’t talk about this stuff to the people in my life, so the fact that I have you guys out there, wherever you are in cyberspace, reading all my drama and giving me advice means more than a million dollars to me.  I don’t know how I’d be getting through any of this without you guys.  I really don’t.  So, thank you.)