I Died for beauty, but was scarce

Bonjour all, (love a bit of E.D)

I suppose I should start by saying it’s a boy! Though i’m not a royalist. I can understand how important they are to our nations identity, having Queen Elizabeth II and Charles and then William and now Baby (undisclosed).

I keep thinking there is something wrong with me, I know there is always something wrong with me but it gets to a point when even I think I am weird. I don’t mean socially awkward weird, just extremely strange weird. It’s hard to explain. Though chanelling my excess energy through the gym last night seemed like a good idea.

That was until I started to get a bit competitive. Rowing machine, fine… bikes, fine… treadmill… oh dear. It was good to start, I had my iPod in, was casually enjoying a mix of music. Casually rocking along. Then someone got on the treadmill next to me and matched my speed so I upped mine, he upped his, a guy joined in on the right until we were all being daft. Anyway, 4.64 miles later it was all over. I won! Then I got off the treadmill and my legs had me at the door to the gym before my mind had even realised i’d stepped off the treadmill. It’s weord the way your legs feel afterwards! So I felt rather good!

Work has been really busy and I expect will be busy right up until Thursday which is when Rob, my mentor leaves the company. This guy is like the Oracle. He is worth so much to the company that to counter his loss, the entire QA department is to move together from all departments to create a kind of think tank/pod structure so we can pool our experience rather than spread it out over the office. He’s such a great guy too! So it will suck when he goes but we finally had that meeting where we find out where we are going in terms of departments. Gaynor has poached me for housewares, though she isn’t happy that I am getting As seen on TV and Cosmetics too as she would have liked someone to be a full time housewares QA rather than me splitting my time between As Seen on TV, Cosmetics, Closeout Stock and Housewares. Though As Seen on TV only really one day a week of work, Cosmetics about the same, Closeout is literally a full time position. But as I have said, Closeout which seems to have defaulted to me is being spread out as there is just so damn much of it but the closeout team are lovely. There is Dave who is the manager, Heather who is part of his department and Sophia who is their trainee. We all get on very well and we all appreciate how much work there is to be done so I don’t feel so bad helping them out. I’ve tested 9 different toasters in 2 days, 2 vacuum cleaners, a kettle and inspected nearly 3,000 units of Top Brand hair care things like straighteners and curling tongs. Tomorrow I have to inspect almost 11,000 toasters! Yay! Though its an AQL inspection which means I’ll only do maybe 3-5% of the total, but will still take alllll day! However Sophia sent me a lovely email thanking me today and Heather said she really appreciates it too.

I managed to get Eve a pasta maker because I am cool. Then I managed to get a huge boiling pan to make scouse in! All for free! Yay! I’m so happy as buying a pan (the pan I got) would have cost upwards of £40 in the shops as it is going to a High street retailer but as it’s an extra sample, I get it for free! So on Thursday I am making Scouse! Scouse is a dish, like a stew and is the dish of Liverpool! It’s essentially a cross between a Norwegian fish dish and an Irish stew, which is when it is called Lob Scouse, however every family makes it differently and it is my favourite thing ever! My Mum makes a killer scouse and when I was with Amy, one of the guys we lived with says that I make the best Scouse he has ever tasted. I must admit, it is stupidly fit! I make mine with Beef mince or lamb, last time I did that I made lamb in a red wine and shallot sauce, sweet mercy it was so damn good! I used to be able to cook really well, then I got with Eve and can’t do Pasta and sauce! It seems like the over complicated dishes I can do. So yes, Scouse, cook it on Thursday and it should be ready by Friday!

So work is looking somewhat fun, be crap when Rob leaves as the QA manager is also gone too so I will be all alone on my side of the pod. Managing my departments and whatever Gaynor needs me to do. She wants to have a word with Steve the QA manager about my departments as she wants me full time. Though I would really like to keep my departments to myself and help out where I can with Gaynor though I did say in the meeting that honestly, ASOTV and Cosmetics are not much work and seeing as closeout will be passed out to everyone I should be free 3-4 days a week to help out Gaynor in Housewares and then can still manage my departments too!

I had a meeting with the HR director who was surprised that I was getting the departments. He thinks I am doing well, he said my sense of humour was great and that is what made me stand out at interview. When he asked me what my key skills where the first thing out of my mouth was "Handsome" which he then went to write down. We had a rapport going by then, It’s not like I deliberately blurted out something stupid. Infact, every job interview I have done something risky like tell a joke or say something they weren’t expecting has gotten me a job. I think you have to have a connection there first. It doesn’t work if they are stony faced. But it set me aside from the other candidates and here I am not even 3 months later, taking on my own departments and key lines. Licensed key lines I may add, not saying who the customer is but it may or may not be the largest retailer in the world. May or may not be based in the USA and may or may not own a supermarket in Britain where people tap the change in their back pocket. So dealing directly with the two largest grocing retailers in the world… Thats the USA company and the second company is French! Kicking ass! Taking names!

I’m still enjoying the work. This is good. I feel settled but there are still more challenges and this is a good thing.

Things with Eve are good I think. It’s been far too hot recently to even attempt any sort of physical congress and so my hangups have been laid to rest. I was thinking about it the other day and really I don’t see how my hangups are hangups because I know that I can perform rather well. In those relationships though I was pretty much being told to perform multiple times a day, which may be something to do with it. I lost interest in that pretty darn quickly. I mostly just replace sex with books now or looking at camera equipment online. Eve and I have never been very good at instigating sex in the relationship. It never just happens naturally. I’ve always thought that there should be a spark for things like that though i’ve never ever felt anything like that and never experienced it so it must just be Hollywood crap. Besides, Eve and I  are always tired and living in such a small place, we’re always sitting on the bed, it gets to you.

We have a king size double bed with a king size and a double matress on so one is bigger than the other, there isn’t enough room for seating and so we sleep, I get up and go to work, Eve leaves after me usually, unless she is on early then we leave together. Then we come home at about the same time, cook food and Eve puts Jeremy Kyle on, then I take the plates to the kitchen and by then Eve is either w

atching TV, playing Bingo on her phone or reading. I do the same, apart from Bingo, I usually look at camera stuff or play Tapped Out. Then sleep. We must spend maybe 3-4 hours a day together and we are tired and just want food and sleep so there is never really any romantic time.

I know that we both get cranky when we are tired and I hate being touched at the best of times (I was a million times worse when I was younger. Being touched goes through me. Sends me on a bad depression spiral. Im quite broken.) so it is even harder to instigate romance as I get scared that if I touch Eve she will tell me to stop or get moody and if she tocuhes me I tell her to stop and so we are buggered for lack of buggery! Saying that though, as i’ve said before, my libido sort of turns off and I lose all desire except for the desire for flashy cameras, gratuitous violence and caffiene.

That is not to say I don’t find Eve attractive when my libido hibernates. I do, I think she is a very attractive woman. I kiss her every morning when I wake before I leave and every night before I go to bed. I tell her how much I like her and try to get her to smile but I only ever seem to be annoying or moaning.

Truth be told, I’m unhappy. Not with Eve or the Job or anything but I always thought that when I had the things I have now I would be happier and I am grateful, every day I am though I still moan and get down. I don’t think i’m that cynical, despite being paid to be cynical in work haha. I just lack the ability to be happy I think. It’s been bugging me recently that I feel like I am eternally restless. It’s like a curse. It makes me have horrible thoughts about myself.

I don’t think I get bored easily. I lie. I know I do. I get bored rediculously easy. I am consistently restless. Infact I had such a low walking home from Tesco yesterday that from the time we hit the high street to the entrance to the flat, about 800 yards my thoughts had followed a progression of being restless, to the feeling of never being happy and then the only real way out would be to kill myself. As horrible as it was, I am more able to disregard those creeping feelings. I made chicken burgers with some Peri Peri Mayonaise. It was super sweet!

No idea what I am eating tonight, though I may have burgers again if I promise to replace them as I have non left and they are Eve’s haha. Bless her.

I think the stress of the car crash is weighing on her heavily too. The guy is still saying it is 100% Eve’s fault despite it genuinely is 100% his fault for speeding across a roundabout and cutting across 2 lanes without indicating to try and get around Eve so he didn’t have to slow down or wait. He filed a bogus injury claim too. It makes me angry. Very angry.

I haven’t posted poetry in a while. This is one of my favourites. It’s by Byron (who saw that coming from me? i’m a huge Bryon fan bioy).

Oh! did those eyes, instead of fire,
With bright, but mild affection shine:
Though they might kindle less desire,
Love, more than mortal, would be thine.

For thou art form’d so heavenly fair,
Howe’er those orbs may wildly beam,
We must admire, but still despair;
That fatal glance forbids esteem.

When Nature stamp’d thy beauteous birth,
So much perfection in thee shone,
She fear’d that, too divine for earth,
The skies might claim thee for their own.

Therefore, to guard her dearest work,
Lest angels might dispute the prize,
She bade a secret lightning lurk,
Within those once celestial eyes.

These might the boldest Sylph appall,
When gleaming with meridian blaze;
Thy beauty must enrapture all;
But who can dare thine ardent gaze?

’Tis said that Berenice’s hair,
In stars adorns the vault of heaven;
But they would ne’er permit thee there,
Who wouldst so far outshine the seven.

For did those eyes as planets roll,
Thy sister-lights would scarce appear:
E’en suns, which systems now control,
Would twinkle dimly through their sphere.
 

I wish I could write like that. I wish a lot of things. I don’t there are enough stars to wish upon but anyway, chin chin! We Soldier on!

Much Love,

(S)aint