The wanderer returns

Bonjour,

I don’t update very often anymore. It is weird as I think the stresses at work and at home have somewhat distracted me. However I get these odd moments of extreme energy when I just want to do silly things or write. Writing is good! I was on a 6 month trainee scheme where they pay you a trainee wage which is more than minimum wage, which is great. They develop you by taking you through a trainee scheme with all the other trainees in the business, trainees make up about 30-40% of the staff but only about 15-20% of them are in the first 6 months, which is a probationary period. You have to fill a large folder full of evidence saying you met deadlines which can vary from making sure you know how to appropriately file and retrieve technical documents on the network hierarchy to liaising with factories from all over the world trying to get products ready for sale within rediculously tight deadlines.

I have been here just under 5 months so far and they have brought my probationary period to a close early because they are confident that I am doing better and that I am further ahead in the business than where I should be which is great. Because passing the probationary period means a £1500 payrise. I got a cheeky £500 payrise after 3 months and so to make an extra £2000 within 5 months isn’t bad going. Especially as I get the extra £1500 as a minimum and then another £3000 extra on top over the next year as a minimum too.

I finally finished off my training folder. It weighed a tonne. It wouldn’t close and it was all full to the brim of evidence that I was completing the right tasks and doing them well. I also included a bit of out of hours extra work I have been doing to streamline the company processes. Apparently the Directors know my name and it gets mentioned in the board meetings and all for the right reasons and so I am quite happy about that. I am sure there will be major disasters along the way, we had 2 today!

The first one was a delivery of 65,000 watches which we buy from a supplier quite frequently and the quality is always poo. We said, no, don’t buy them, the buying team said no, don’t buy them and the ceo went, yeah we can make a good buck off these. Bought them, they all turned out to be crap, sold them without checking them and the customer is pretty furious. So YAAAYYY! They did come into the building when I was off on holiday though so that covered my ass. Plus we were told not to inspect it and the whole system has fallen apart so really it’s kind of a company cock up but at least it can’t be pinned on anyone as I think they are looking for a scapegoat at the moment.

The second is that there is artwork for some product which has gotten to the producing stage where we have paid and a company has started making the packaging, only then we found the ingredients list is out of date. In cosmetics, which is what the product is, you get an INCI list which is a list of all the ingredients in order of weight (did you know, when you read ingredients, the ingredient that is the most say water goes first and then it follows that the next largest amount goes second, say aloe vera etc until everything is listed) well the factory changed the INCI list, they changed the formula for the product and forgot to say so we have been producing packaging for products which is correct, but only for the old formula. So now there is rework to be done but it looked like it was all my fault as it is my job to make sure the packahging matches the INCI (pronounced Inky) list. Turns out, I did good but the factory did bad and again my ass was not grass. So on top of all that stress I handed in my folder. It’s been a nuts day. I just want to go home.

Well it was a nuts day but all of the Artwork is being ammended and the watches issue sorted itself out. I was feeling much better and not singing "GLORY GLORY WHAT A HELLUVA DAY TO DIE!" Which is a more upbeat version of when I was 17-19ish and woke up each morning and would say to myself "What a day to die" suicide and depression is no joke though. It’s just my natiral defence mechanism to make a joke out of everything.I don’t take life too seriously. I think life is a joke and the joke is on us. If you can’t laugh at yourself then what can you do?

So I got skateboards to test. Yes, SKATEBOARDS! 3 of them and a few full sets of pads. I must test them… FOR SCIENCE! YOU MONSTER! (God I love Portal!) but yes, for Science. I spoke to HR and got the go ahead to test them in the building providing we don’t lodge a claim when it all gots nose over tail and people (namely me) end up very hurt and broken. Physically, as opposed to my normal emotionally hurt and broken self.

Some time has passed and by that I mean a week. We tested the skateboards and managed to get a rather nice picture of some arial tomfoolery into the assessment. WIN

I was tasked with filling in some QA details for Disney, which then turned out to be some insane microbiological and chemical compound kind of information. I got it done, I am now much more well versed in microbiology and chemistry than I was before. It’s always interested me and it was quite fun. I have a contact who is a chemist in Israel who is a really great guy, he came over a few weeks ago and we had a meeting in work which was essentially a posh breakfast. He’s not been very well and has been out of the lab and so it was doubly scary as usually I would just ask him for pointers when filling in some of the technical chemical things.

I also went back to the Argos depot which as ever was epic because that stuff is some epic engineering building that huge depot right there. It’s mostly computerised. Machines pick up 1.5tonne pallettes and take them a good 5 stories high in seconds then whizz them along the 1 mile perimiter at 35mph, stop almost instantly and drop the goods off. It’s just insane to watch all these bits go flying past. That’s always good fun. Plus I was home for noon so I got some gaming time in also! HUZZAH!

In good news, Eve and I went to Southport for the British Musical Fireworks Championships/My Birthday which was nice. I didn’t think it was possible to spend a lot of money in Southport but somehow we managed it and it was worth it. There was a new team called "Cyrotechnics" or something along those lines who won. Komodo were epic as usual but Cyro did this Phantom of the Opera set piece with a curtain made of sparks which opened and closed and then there was the Phantom behind it, it was superb. Last year I was terribly impressed by the Smiley Face and Love heart fireworks well this year they had fireworks which burst and looked so realistic it was unreal. They where lotus flowers, with the colour in the petals and the stamen and everything! It was jaw dropping. Literally jaw dropping.

Eve got rather annoyed with the small children and poor parenting skills, there were some kids bullying the others out of the way to see by sitting on them and generally getting in Eve’s way. One kid walks right up in front of her, swills his tea, chokes on it and goes to throw up all over Eve but doesn’t. Eve gave his mum a really dirty look and the kid kept trying to look at Eve. They left. Eve was getting annoyed and it just seemed like everyth

ing was going against her because it quite literally was. There was also Takeaway mash and I bought a load of poetry books! It was super!

I went back to Liverpool over the weekend, saw Lee, Miro and Tom, it was the first time all of us had gotten together in about 11 months. Though we’ve seen eachother many times inbetween, one or two of us have been missing. So it was good, we gamed, watched an awful horror film. Just like old times. We also watched Take me out, which if you don’t know is basically 30 girls and 1 guy and the girls decide if they like him and if they do they keep their light on, if they don’t they turn it off. No likey? No lighty! …and so on. The guys, namely Lee and Tom argued that it’s ok to watch it as they can A) Perve at the women and B) There may be opportunity to shout at the television.

It reminded me that the thought I had that if I went on the show I would get all 30 women turning off their lights straight away. All the guys on there are fit, good looking, great jobs etc and then there is me, I look like Sloth had a stroke, i’m in shape if you count slightly round as a shape? and as for a job, well I am the QA Technologist for the leading product sourcing and development firm in the Far East for As seen on TV products, gadgets, watches, battery operated products, health and beauty products and I also do a bit of cookshop/housewares. We’re based in the UK and are the largest Sourcing firm in the UK but its the whole of the Far East thing which sounds the most impressive I think. So my job is kind of cool I like to think. To me anyway, I get to test things! I was playing with Smartphone watches weeks before the Samsung Gear was announced… oh yes. Something kind of James Bond and then deeply unnatural about having a camera on your watch as well as a phone and an internet enabled device. Bizzaroooo!

So I got this job on a temporary 6 month contract where they train me up, see how I go and then if they don’t like me, get rid of me after the 6 months or at any time before then. Some people I know didn’t make it. I was called into the office at coming up to 5 months and told, on monday this was… that I have passed the training early as they are very impressed and confident with me. I got a £1500 payrise and a permanent contract so I am really quite happy! Plus i’m looking at another £3000 payrise minimum. YEYAH! And trips to the Far East! YEYAH! So finally, after starting using OD over 10 years ago now…

I did it. I had several girlfriends and I am a whore no more (ain’t no touching me, i’m a cosmic slag from another galaxy – we used to sing that in school)

I graduated (twice)

I moved out (thrice)

I got a full time job, which I enjoy and seem to be good at! HUZZAH!

I also saw my friend Rob over the weekend and got my Hagstrom Viking Deluxe guitar! It has just been restrung, set up and polished by a lovely chap who apparently is already on first name terms with me! Epic! He runs a lovely little instrument shop at the bottom of the road where I work. £10! Which is epic considering he quoted £30 minimum, he did it for a tenner and cleaned and polished my guitar! EPIC!

I bought 3 crates of pepsi and a huge chocolate fudge cake from Costco, which is one of the reasons why I am so anxious to be home. Plus I get to play on my Hagstrom. It’s hard to describe how new strings feel, it’s like loosing your virginity only without the awkwardness, the pain, the shame etc. It just feels right, like the first time, every time! Plus my guitar is a sexy beast. We’re talking AAA Canadian Maple, hollow body electric, you strum her and she resonates against you and I swear it’s almost sensual! For a moment I take on the form of a Unicorn! Plus she’s as big as a barn door and looks gorgeous! Plus she sounds unlike anything i’ve ever heard and honestly I played a Gibson Dot before picking up the Hagstrom and my lovely Mum who knows nothing of guitars and tone etc even said that the Hagstrom sounds so much better. Put that into perspective, legendary guitar played by hundreds of legendary musicians pales in comparison to my Cherry Sunburst super lovely guitar! I’m very excited! I kind of want to buy a new preamp/muilti fx pedal and a set of studio headphones so I can play properly in the flat without having to lug my amp from Liverpool. It has 2 of the speakers they put in Cinema walls in it. It tore up a street party at half volume and it’s a valve amp. It’s a nighty bit of kit is a valve amp, the sound quality improves the louder you play it! SCIENCE BITCH!!!

I have a strange urge to play all of the Halo games again from the start. I also have an urge to buy and play Saints Row 4! Dubstep gun, already has to rank in the top 5 of my all time favourite computer game guns. Number 1 always has to be the portal gun. For Science, you Monster. But the idea that it shoots dubstep and everything on screen starts dancing including the vehicles AND it kills things too? Genius!

I finally got the Disney work done, then…

I got 3 purple orders in work. All of our orders are based on a colour rating from Green to Purple, Green is a low threat order, existing (good factory), simple product, customer doesn’t really care, Amber which is a mix, Red which would be say an order of tens of thousands of units to a major retailer such as Tesco, then there is Purple, which is infact so scary that everyone involved in that order has to be in a room at the same time to agree to any changes or sign anything off. I have 3 of them, which is huge! It’s a massive responsibility and what is more, as an extra challenge it’s for a French customer, which means it is all in French, as if checking artwork and manuals and such wasn’t bad enough for a purple order, there are three of them with multiple artworks each… in French. It’s like trying to organise a wedding in a week, everything happens very fast and it’s very scary and has a lot of potential to go wrong and really hurt the business. The only French customers I know are huge retailers, like Tesco doesn’t even come close, we’re talking like Walmart huge, technically the 2nd largest retailer in the world and now it’s my sole responsibility to figure out how the heck we make these products legal for sale in France. This is surely a test which can mean big things for me if it all goes swimmingly.

There are thunder storms outside. This amuses me.

Fizz the gecko has died, this upset me, infact I was thinking about it when I went to sleep. The poor little mite. I hope she wasn’t in any pain. It’s really sad actually. I’m quite upset about it even though I haven’t said anything. She is in a much happier place now. Which I assume is filled with lots of worms to eat, quite frankly if I died then heaven would be filled with all my favourite foods and I could be the hero in all of the computer games i’ve ever played and even some I just imagined. There would also be a sex club which I would walk past and always wonder about going in but never doing it because I have so many emotional issues with sex, i’m quite broken. It always makes me feel bad and guilty. YAAAAYYYY! 

There are rumours that I could be getting sent to Romania with work to see some factories and that One Direction are going to pay a visit to the office which means I have to be there and meet them. I don’t know what I would do but kudos for the moppy haired one for getting Caroline Flack into bed, I mean damn…. that is a fine piece of A (Anyone remember that line from an Adam Sandler film?) though to be fair I can’t even get myself into bed.

I found out today that one of the people I work with has also been on anti-depressants, so we had a good chat about all of that. This makes me feel slightly better.

In other news, I am to be spoken to tomorrow by the Supply Chain Manager who is my bosses boss over an issue which to be fair isn’t actually my fault but it’s my product at the end of the day (even if it wasn’t my product when the issue arose) and so it’s one of them things. Live and learn, my merchandiser Hayley always gets called into his office and she thinks that he will just tell me to be more vigilant, I think also that I have a pretty strong case and so I see it more as an opportunity to learn than to be fearful, though I don’t expect much sleep tonight. I drew blood 3 times reworking the product and got a paper cut between my fingers like on Jackass, If that is not dedication then I don’t know what is? Though this chap is notorious for being a massive hard ass. He’s a nice enough guy but there is always people coming out of is office in tears every week or so… men included. Though apparently he has calmed down a lot now. Plus it is my first offence so to speak.

I just made pasta. We have pasta makers we sell in work and we had to test them for a supplier issue. So I made pasta dough, which was pretty epic, then put it through the machine. I have made spaghetti! And also lasagne sheets! Which I suppose you could then cut and twist into other shapes? but yeah, I made my own pasta! So well done me! HUZZAH!

The saga with the INCI listings continues with the Health and Beauty buyers convinced that we are using the incorrect spelling for some of the ingredients which is a huge no no, like trading standards no no. However I have double checked this all with my contact at the supplier who is a chemist and he has sent me over all the new INCI listings. I think the Health and Beauty buyers are convinced that a compound called "Bronopol" which is an antimicrobial, they list as 2-Bromo-2-Nitropane-1,3-Diol is actually 2-Bromo-2-Nitropropane-1,3-Diol. The nitropropane version is Bronopol, there is no chemical I can find or have heard of called "Nitropane" and it’s going to take some convincing, though luckily I have an experienced Chemist who actually makes the product and the entire Interwebs on my side. I’ve been reading up on all of my ingredients that go into the product to make doubly sure that none of the chemicals are spelt incorrect, make no sense or are positioned in the wrong weighting. There is also an issue around the use of Chamomila Recutita and Anthemis Nobilis which is Chamomile, Recutita is the German chamomile and Nobilis is the Roman chamomile, German chamomile is generally more useful for our purposes plus we source it from Germany so I think the buyers are getting miffed as they tend to put Nobilis instead of Recutita, as I changed it to Recutita, so the buyers sent me an email saying i’d sent things off to design with the incorrect spelling. I literally printed off what the lab had sent me. It’s all terribly confusing. Point being, I can justify why I am choosing to amend the designs and listings based on the fact, that’s what the chemist who makes the stuff said. It’s a bloody minefield!

However it is Dominoes two for Tuesday and I have had a bit of a mad day, Eve has had a mad day and I assume that tomorrow will also be the same, or worse so bring on the pizza!

The pizza got soggy in the rain. It was still quite nice, I got a wet shoe and a wet sock and cold, soggy pizza haha, I had a discreet whinge. Not so discreet whinge haha! Still, fit pizza though!

The Supply chain manager hasn’t said anything, which Hayley said he may actually forget? maybe he has. Point being, learnt from that mistake. I also got to smash open some knives for an ongoing assessment. This is fun. I love doing investigative work on products. DO ALL THE SCIENCE!!!!

On that bombshell I have been rambling…

Till next time,

(S)aint