Cheeseburgers and Loneliness

Loneliness and Cheeseburgers!

My phone has died. It gave up a good fight, well really, it only lasted about 10 months before being the first phone that I have ever owned that has needed repairs so for the next 2 weeks I am phoneless. I will not be using Social Media at all. This doesn’t count. This is a diary! I can write in it! They are the rules I’ve just made up and I’m backing them up with this gun that I have on loan from the National Rifle Association.

So yes, 2 weeks without a text, a phone call, a tweet, a status, a flick through the BBC news website or googling things like naught babysitter bukkake 4: this time it’s personal. Not that I have ever googled that, it’s just something I made up on the spot. And trademarked in case any would be adult entertainment producers try and steal my idea. Not that I plan to do anything with it of course. I mean how the hell is it personal only after the 4th movie? That makes no sense!

So yes, it came at a good time as my friend had just broken up with her boyfriend. I’ve known this girl *counts* almost 10 years? I think it may be 10-11 years and we see eachother maybe once every year or two, if that. We send maybe a text every month or two but it’s usually only when we need advice because I think she has a no nonsense approach to things and she seems to think I give good advice? who sodding knows. Anyway, the lady who I shall call Jo (because it’s her name) had broken up with her boyfriend as he was doing all the things Jo wanted to do with him but with his female best friend and they were hiding this from Jo and there was a fight and it all ended. This is bad. So Jo has been talking to me and i’ve been trying to calm her down and get her to think sense and calm and non-violence. Be a good Christian, Buddhist, Muslim or whatever denomination takes your fancy? That’s as simple as it is.

However I have also been emailing a friend who is a trainee therapist, we talk about all sorts of stuff but mostly it’s kind of like impromtue therapy sessions. I was going to go to the Doctors and see about some therapy for my broken little head. I was also going to go to sort out a hearing test, though i’ve been hearing impaired since birth I don’t wear any hearing aids and only have about 80% in one ear and 10-15% in another ear. Most women say it is selective hearing. I say that it’s extremely useful to drown out the nagging. Amy on the other hand refused point blank to accept that I had a hearing impairment. She said I wasn’t at all deaf and that I was just doing it for attention. To be fair, if I was doing it for attention, 26 years is a bloody long time to keep up a charade. That and cheating all the medical equipment isn’t exactly the easiest thing to do. The simple fact of the matter is, I’m ever so slightly deaf and it doesn’t really bother me unless there is background noise! That’s a pain! Have I mentioned that I can’t feel a lot of my ears? they are mostly numb? I can pull them and twist them and all sorts. The only bad thing is that sometimes I get an itch inside of my ear, almost below the skin, not the literall inside of my ear canal but actually under the skin on my ear which is a bugger to scratch especially when the rest of the skin is numb! I also don’t like people touching my ears.

I don’t really like being touched very much, which may or may not be down to things which happened almost 20 years ago or the fact I was just an anti-social moody goth teenager and still carry some of that teen angst around with me now. Either way, nobody touches my ears. I’ve only ever let certain people do it and it really freaks me out. Like pretty much panic attack freaking me out. It makes me squirm just thinking about it.

So yes, I digress, I have been trying to console Jo and emailing my other friend and running through what makes us tick, which is great, because though she says she won’t try and analyse me, it feels good getting things off my chest with a completely unbiased party. Eve was upset that I was messaging Jo trying to sort her head out. There was history between Jo and I for about 2 weeks 10 years ago and then we fell out for years, I honestly can’t remember why other than the fact she cheated on me with 8 people in one night. If there was ever any indication that nothing was ever going to happen between us ever again, it would be that haha. It’s completely platonic. Eve didn’t say anything mind and at the time I didn’t see a problem with it. Jo would message me in the morning then disappear for an hour or two. It’s quite sporadic. There would be nothing and then quite a lot all at once and I wouldn’t stay up all night messaging, I’d literally just fall asleep. I’m a part time friend when i’m tired like that. I’ve given you enough help today to the point where other people are being left out, now i’m sleepy.

I don’t want anyone to be unhappy. I think that is the problem. I spent time messaging Jo and Eve was upset, so then if I spent time with Eve then Jo would have like 50 messages about getting drunk to numb the pain and how angry she is and so i’d have to try and tell her to stop being a tit whilst Eve thought I was being a tit and in between that, emailing my friend to try and collectively justify that we’re not bad people because we feel broken. Rather I feel broken, I cannot vouch for my friend, whom I shall call Red as it’s just easier!

So inbetween Eve, Jo and Red, my poor little head was scattered trying to keep 3 people happy at the same time. Though Red wasn’t demanding on my time at all, I just felt I needed to vent, nothing bad but it helped to try and sort out my feelings about being broken when all these feelings where being thrown about by Jo because of the way she was treated by her now-ex boyfriend.

Eve’s friend asked Eve if she could hand on heart trust me. This upset me a bit even though Eve said she could. It hurt that it got to a point where that was even a topic of conversation and all I had done was try to help my friend. Though I can’t manage my time for stuffing and so I was being pulled between Eve and Jo and I think both of them felt a bit neglected. Trying to be a nice guy and make everyone happy is bloody hard and it’s also bloody upsetting when your faithfulness gets called into question. I would never cheat on Eve, it is something that I would never do. It would never cross my mind. On the other side of the coin, i’m hideous, socially inept and there’s something about my penis which worries me as nobody has ever wanted to make me happy with their mouth for years. Nobody would have me as a boyfriend.

Girls like bad guys, I try to be a good guy because i’m not at all arsed about pleasing as many girls as I can. I’d rather be with one person who loves me for exactly who I am. Who wouldn’t ever dream of changing anything about me. I know this is impossible, there exists nobody on this planet who would ever do that and so I try to change bits about myself to please the lovely woman unfortunate enough to be stuck with me. For the past 13 months this has been Eve! *waves* I still don’t think she will ever love me mind, nor do I think any woman will ever love me. Given that all of them have lied, cheated and used me with the exception of Eve, I must just have been attracting a bad bunch. Though statistically the chances of all the women being complete arseholes is bloody slim, I am inclined to believe you are n

ot all crazy ass bitches. If you didn’t have all the inny and outty bits that I so enjoy and I found men attractive, I would totally be gay. I get hit on by gay men too! That feels kinda good. I like to feel wanted and i’m more than comfortable enough in my sexuality that it just doesn’t bother me at all. So I don’t fancy men, so I sometimes think i’m a lesbian trapped in a mans body. I would totally go gay for my lesbian friend. If i was ever to become a woman, I would be a lesbian as I really do all the inny and outty bits you women have. Plus that way I get to hang around with my friends all day, have boobs and not have sexual advances from Lee, Tom or Miro! Epic win! I’m not entirely sure how Eve would feel about me being a woman though. That may be a deal breaker. Granted I would still be me and Ann Summers seem to outclass every man at every point. I’ve heard so many women say that a vibrator does things a man can never do. Who needs a man they say!

Gentlemen, Fleshlight… that is all. We’ll see how funny it is when we say "Who needs women!" Though the fact as a society we have developed toys which offer sexual gratification which is much more intense than that you can get with another human, is a bit wrong. They should have dialed it back a bit. They should have went, no lets not make this phallus with all these weird beads and gyrating and pulsing motions and that little rabbit thing. Just as they should have said lets not make this contoured sleeve for guys. To be honest we all should have just went the cinema that night when the sex toy industry was decided upon. If they made a toy which can simulate blow jobs then there would be no men outside, ever! Search your feelings, you know this to be true! They’re the best! Like Liverpool! A man can never vibrate like a rabbit either. This upsets me greatly. I can imagine it would be fun to vibrate like that. It would make me giggle!

So in other news, Eve can trust me. I’m hurt that her friend is suggesting that she can’t because all I was doing was trying to be the nice guy and that plainly backfired.

My mobile phone is in the repair shop for 2 weeks. So I am without email, social networking, calls or texts for 2 whole weeks! It’s also a handy way of solving the Eve not liking me speaking to Jo so much situation. I’m hoping after the 2 weeks it will all be sorted and I won’t be needed and Eve won’t get upset and her friends won’t think me capable of cheating on her. I try so hard to be the nice guy. I’m ruddy annoyed! I wanted to say bloody pissed off but i’m trying to cut down on the swearing.

So 2 weeks without any mobile phone, it’s been 3 days and I feel really good about it. I miss that I don’t have my own smart alarm in the morning which starts off quite low, Eve has a klaxxon which just does "ruddy loud" and I feel bad having to wake her up at 6 or 6.50 depending on wether or not I am getting a lift. I am actually enjoying not being tied to my phone as it feels liberating not having the temptation to check and recheck twitter and facebook when i’m bored which then makes me more bored. (Did you know Byron was the first person to use the word Bored?) genius.

Erm 5 days now? no phone. It’s going even better, I don’t feel myself missing it unless I want to google something? I think I miss google. I miss my emails too! I miss firing the random little email off to people, it’s like having a digital pen pal! There’s nothing like having a little hand written envelope with your name on it! So yes, my work emails will have to suffice. I actually find myself wanting to meet the people on the other side in person. Though they are in China. I feel that we could have a much better working relationship if we met the factory bosses we deal with because I forget sometimes that they like us have a large number of orders too and they like us are pushed to capacity and they have to do all of this in another language. Though the cultural difference is probably the biggest issue. Apparently, it’s more favourable to ignore emails and try to hide a problem rather than owning up right away and getting it sorted which causes many issues. Still, I would like to meet Heaven and Aki and Vicky and Alex who are on my merch teams in GuangZhou.

Eve has been super, she is always super, however her Mum has gone somewhere with the air cadets as she is a Padre. Eve made lasagne, Eve makes awesome lasagne, and there were candles and cuddles on the couch which we have never done. We were supposed to watch Titanic though it ended up being ‘Murica’s Top model and this bizarre show called Bridal Plasty from ‘Murica. They all do bride themed challenges and then the winner each week gets plastic surgery. If you win something, generally having to be wheeled into next weeks show in a wheelchair and bandages is not so much of a prize. I got quite caught up with all the bitching and plotting and it was horrible to think that people can be like that. We watched a bit of Titanic. I fell asleep. In my defence I had spent about 10 hours in work. Today it will be over 12 hours and then i’m out tonight too! MACHIIINNNEEEE!!

So Eve has been super nice and wanting to cuddle and not being at all cranky for the past few days which has made me feel really bad becuase I kind of feel there is a huge defecit I have to fill now because I feel like a terrible boyfriend. What Eve’s friend said really through me. The fact that anyone could call into question whether Eve could trust me, especially to put that thought into Eve’s head is upsetting. Eve said she could trust me but I feel awful that she had to say it, she should be able to know it, to feel it because it is true. Eve always tries really hard and the past few days she has tried super hard and i’m paranoid that there is something else that was said and now Eve feels she has to try harder to please me? because she doesn’t. I’m as happy as you can be with depression. I’m not planning on leaving Eve at all. I like what we have. It feels good to come home to someone who isn’t a complete bint. Eve and I have quite a bit in common and since I don’t game anymore, there is even less for her to have to put up with as I gamed a lot.

I used to pick my lip too and it used to bleed all the time. It was part almost like self harm and a part nervous reaction. The doctor called it severe psychomotor agitation or something? It’s a sympton of certain types of depression. Who knew? WHo saw it coming? but I would tear the skin from my lip and it would become a bloody mess, I couldn’t stop and it went on for years. It wasn’t very nice. However i’ve stopped because Eve asked me to. She said that if I stopped then she would kiss me. We never actually kiss. I want to kiss her but Eve refuses to kiss me on the lips. I get a peck on the cheek mind which is nice. Even during intimate times, we never kiss. I don’t think she likes it, or likes me for it. I wouldn’t blame her after seeing me tear myself apart, but it’s healed perfectly and my lips aren’t chapped or anything! They are as perfect as they are probably going to be. They’re lush! (We watched all of Gavin & Stacey too, can you tell?)

I guess I just feel like I am not good enough. Red said that you can’t expect anybody to love you unless you love youself. I thought "bugger" as I don’t see loving myself as something I am acapable of doing. I’m at loggerheads with myself

. I know that i’m very lucky to have what I have and to be fair i’ve had to put the work in to get here but I have a job, I stay in a flat with my girlfriend (and her Mum) but I do have a full time job that I think is going quite well. I should be happy that I have finally achieved what I want to achieve, even though I don’t feel socially acceptable. I don’t feel desirable and I hate my body for wanting to be desired. I hate that it feels pleasure. It makes me feel good but then immediately afterwards it makes me feel like a sack of meat. There is no connection, it just feels horrid. But then Red has a point. Surely the negativity is written all over my face. It’s in my essence, in my breath, in the way I move, the way I talk. Twice today i’ve just had thoughts or feelings so bad I literally just stopped in my tracks. I haven’t felt that in a while. I know I can get better and feel better about myself but it’s not going to be easy.

I’m going to get it addressed before it becomes too much of an issue and my head goes west. In saying that though, work is giving me a lot of focus and drive. It’s good to keep my mind occupied. I used to use gaming and would game for 12+ hours a day. It would keep my mind from running away and having too terrible thoughts. I can’t game anymore though. I could maybe squeeze in an hour or two at most a month but that’s nowhere near enough for even a casual gamer. I used to be hardcore. Not saying that I would be doing 12+ hours a day but a few hours as and when needed would have been enough to keep the worst of it at bay. I won’t even be getting a new Playstation 4 or XBOX One. I haven’t even bought Saints Row 4 yet. I did want to but Eve said I couldn’t. I wouldn’t have the time to play it and I shouldn’t have been wasting my money she said. She has a point but I’ve gotten all of the last 3 on release day, first thing in the morning and played the hell out of them. I guess i’m just a bit grown up now. I wish I could smile when I say that, I feel terrible. Not because I am getting older, it just seems to mean I get to do less things that I enjoy. These past few years it’s been a steady decline and I never thought I would understand how people get so wrapped up in work but I do. Probably because I am here from 8 every morning till 6 every night. Take that 9-5! It’s replaced gaming. I would have probably filled that time with games because I game alot when I am depressed but now it’s work. So I work a lot when I am depressed and I don’t feel as bad at all because my mind doesn’t have the time to wander like it would if I wasn’t focused. Having a routine helps.

I wake every hour or so at night. I then wake up a few minutes before 6.50 if I am getting a lift into work or 5.50-6 if I am getting the tram. I take my watch off the shelf. I go and get a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed in one of like 12 identical black or white t-shirts. I get my coat and shoes on. Lean over the bed, kiss Eve and tell her something nice without waking her up (hopefully.) Then I leave for work. Then maybe about 6pm I head home, 5 if I get a tram which takes 1.30-2 hours to get home. So about 6.30-45 I get home and come in and see Eve, ask about her day, maybe try for a kiss, get rejected but still kiss her head anyway! (Rebel 😉 ) Then it’s time to decide what food is to be consumed? I cook sometimes if we are eating the same thing. Eve is a better cook but she does get food-in-bed service because I am nice like that! on a tray with her favourite knife and fork. Her favourite mayonaise and a spoon. I’ll pass her the remotes for the TV and pass her a drink. I usually eat some microwaveable low fat meal if we aren’t eating the same thing which is most nights now as we try our respective diets and the Eve puts on the Jeremy Kyle dhow she recorded from yesterday and so I watch that with her and then i’m usually ell sleepy about 8-9 by which time Jeremy Kyle has finished and Eve either chooses something else to watch or reads in which case I get the remotes and put on something comforting like Ghostbusters. Man I love them films. It just makes me feel nerdy before I fall alseep. Then I wake pretty much every hour again and it all starts again! There may be some non-adult cuddling in there unless I’ve annoyed Eve though of late there has been more cuddling which is always a plus. Either i’ve been less annoying or Eve has stopped caring haha. Judging by the fact she wants cuddles it must be that by some miracle I have stopped being annoying. Then again of late I have felt exceedingly down and so I won’t be especially bouncy and playful like a little scouse puppy. I just kind of sit there I guess? ocassionally shouting at the TV or telling Eve that I like her. She says it’s lies but I will keep saying it until she accepts it. It’s a little thing we’ve had going on since I can’t remember haha. Thats a weekday, weekends usually involve me suggesting we go the cinema. Man I love the cinema! It’s the best!

I think it may be my new coping mechanism. The fact I need one is awful.

I need to see a doctor. I am quite broken and I am finding it harder of late to disguise the fact. Eve is a great support as are my friends and the lovely people on OD here. I’ll get better!

I have too. I owe it to myself for all the nasty things I have been saying about myself.

Much Love,

(S)aint x

P.S

How good is Minestrone please? I have a cuppa soup every day for dinner. Depressing as hell yet tasty.