Riding The Testicle Time Machine

The other day this crazy inventor fellow blew through, and had with him this box. He claimed that within it was nothing less than the secret to eternal life…and that while some guardians of the box charge 100 dollars for two minutes of it’s use, he’d give me a full half-hour treatment for free…one of the perks of getting conversation steam-rolled by someone who never seems to shut up about the mechanics of energy, apparently. The box was beige, and about the size of the suitcase– the guy had built it himself with used parts ranging from stereo equipment, to auto equipment, and had several spools of wire. He had me sit on one spool, wrap another around my neck, and wrap two more around each of my knees, while I sat in a chair. I felt a bit like I was sitting in ol’ sparky himself, and I wasn’t too far off– what the machine did was, essentially, shock you. He flipped a switch on the suitcase and an orange light came on– "Just let me know when it get’s uncomfortable.." There was a dial next to the switch, and he rotated it slowly. At first I couldn’t really feel anything but a general static cling…but then, like tiny pin-pricks, I began to feel the current. Should have told him to stop right there, but it was hardly uncomfortable and I was curious, so I let him crank the voltage higher until all the muscles in my body began freaking out– contracting and relaxing at about the same rate a tommy-gun fires– "O-o-o-K-k-k-k…th-th-that-that’s…g-g-good… r-r-right… th-th-there…" I then proceeded to sit there like that, getting my balls shocked like uncle Rico’s time machine (maybe if I hadn’t forgotten the crystals?), in the VAGUE hope that some terrible yet fated disaster would interrupt the process and turn me into a super hero. No such luck, I’m afraid. Probably just made me sterile.

(apparently these things are called PEMF machines, and they were invented by Nikola Tesla, and are somewhat legit as medical devices)