The Disappointment in Expectation

When it comes to the relationship between expectation and disappointment, I have always had an unusually backwards approach to the entire matter. Most people, I can only assume, find general disappointment when their expectations are not adequately met, or worse, if their expectations are shattered completely…and while I too find disappointment when my expectations aren’t met, when the expectation is of something pertaining specifically to me, and something I deem "owed" to me, I more often than not find the entire formula inverted.

When the matter in question concerns something generally outside of myself, based on hypothesising the actions of other people and the world in general, I only ever find disappointment when my predictions are proven correct. Last week I met a friend for dinner, a woman, and as such I predicted that she would be approximately fifteen minutes late to the rendezvous, as is usually the case with females of all ages and sizes. I arrived ten minutes late myself, only to find the woman already there, waiting for me. I told her I wasn’t expecting her for another five minutes, to which she leapt up victoriously, and proclaimed that my assertion was completely wrong– that she is always on time, and that Mr. Know-It-All me was finally wrong. Naturally, I was just as delighted as she was…

I take no pleasure at all in knowing other people’s motives better than they themselves do, and find no joy in the utter lack of surprise this tends to carry…so when, at last, I am in fact proven wrong, it excites me more than few things can. I welcome it, and embrace it, as it means there is yet a chance for the world to surprise me here and there, and that life is indeed much bigger than my capacity to wholly understand. Every time a woman tells me how done she is with her boyfriend, and every time I insist that she’ll be fucking him by the end of the week, I find myself cringing at the words I know are coming in the next few days– you were right. Every time I approach someone and silently mouth to myself exactly what they are going to say, I die a little inside each time it comes true.

Yes, I am generally right, all the time, but it is something I take absolutely no pleasure in, I assure you. It is only when my expectations are completely met that I experience genuine disappointment….and only when they are completely shattered that I experience pleasure.