There’s dead, and then there’s dying…

Earlier this evening, while choking to death in a restaurant, I found myself contemplating the fragile nature of the human body. I have this odd condition, you see, that I can only assume is some kind of…latent asthmatic response, though I haven’t actually been to a doctor for any kind of investigative "check up" since I was twelve, so I’m not really sure. What happens, randomly, is that something will irritate the back of my throat, which causes my esophagus to clamp down, and prevents me from drawing breath, though exhaling what little air I happen to have at the time seems to work just fine. It locks up, and it stays locked up for a small duration, until I focus on completely relaxing myself…which is somewhat hard to do when you can’t fucking breathe. The first time it happened I was still a kid, and I was alone in my bedroom…I panicked, and ran downstairs to get my mother’s attention, which was hard since I could only make terrible throat noises. I finally communicated, via gestures, what was going on, and she managed to throw me outside into the snow as I was about to pass out, which finally freed up my air passages. Since then it happens randomly, often at inopportune times, and often when I’m completely alone. I suspect that my penchant for living alone, and being alone, will one day send me to an early grave…particularly considering the number of worrisome elements to my health and disposition, that foreshadow terrible problems to come. So the dilemma…should I go to the doctor for early diagnosis, and work hard to medicate and extend my life a little longer, or is the ignorance of impending doom worth more than a few extra years? It’s a tough call…though it’s an easy one to make when you can’t afford health insurance, and your employer doesn’t provide the option. It’s also a strange thought, that eventually some random part of my body, that had been with me and functional since birth, will eventually become corrupt and unresponsive…dragging the rest of the ship down with it; first, into a shadowy haze of fear and subconscious fog, and then eventually into the un-blackness of non-existence…