Hallelujah

A stroke of luck. A long, unfading, unwavering stroke of luck…yet even as I gleefully listen to the rocks landing all around me in the darkness, I can not stop a trembling right hand from once again reaching into the bottomless pail, and throwing more of them straight upwards, into the starless evening sky. A wince; a tremble; an anticipation for a skull crushing blow to the head…and then nearby– a dull thud upon the earth, and all continues to be well.

It can be difficult to explain, or even understand, the nature of being helplessly self destructive…while actions may incline one to think otherwise, it is not actually destruction that is sought– it’s theft. The label of self destructive only comes after one has made an error in forethought, to the point of being crushed by one’s own rocks…the goal behind it, however, is cheating your way out of that which should, or could, destroy you. Stealing injustice from fate in one’s favor is the only way to accept injustice that is not in one’s favor. Being able to feel as though one deserves such is the only way to accept it, I think, and the only way to feel that punishment is deserved is to have first been a criminal. Pre-emptive revenge for the moment that one is fucked by the long dick of fate is a solution for balance…a solution I would employ so that I, on my dark day of atonement, could gaze lovingly at my masked executioner….and laugh madly for all the balance I’ve achieved, despite his impartial will. For when I’m staring down the axe it will not be with a look of dismayed shock, with why written on my lips…it will be a look of exalted expectancy, singing hallelujah, hallelujah…God is great.