The Paradox of Yours Truely

 

Marine, what is that button on your body armor?

A peace symbol, sir.

Where’d you get it?

I don’t remember, sir.

What is that you’ve got written on your helmet?

"Born to Kill", sir.

You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button? What’s that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?

 

 

Every organized paradox that I’ve logged has had one particular thing in common– a nature pertinent souly to constructs of the mind. This was unintentional, and inadvertently made so because of their particular appeal to me. I believe the universe as a whole to be governed by paradoxes, but discussions of planetary orbits and imploding atoms have never been of interest to me, nor would I be needed to contribute to such a discussion, as the minute details of physics are far from my area of expertise. Now, as my topics of interpersonal discussion have always been constructs of the mind, I’ve always had a particular aversion to writing on the mind as a whole, as I feared it would negate the need to continue writing on the smaller facets within. Therefore this bit will only concern my mind, rather than a universal concept of one…

  

I learned of the vulnerability of honesty long before I learned of the damnable numbness of invulnerability, and consequentially conditioned myself at an early age to avoid honesty in personal opinion. It took notice of the latter state, some time later, to motivate me into a means of truth without truth; an escape from the invulnerable through honest meaning in disguised words, offered up at the hands of potentially appropriate listeners. I weaved into objective notions a coded opinion, who’s means to decode I placed strictly in my own mind as a means of likewise placing it in those of a like-minded nature….so that should one happen to meander into my words, and then further into my meaning, they would be of such a type as to be unable to do me harm, for in doing so would be indirectly doing themselves harm.

On the outside my demeanor is very much like those who suffer from a lack of thought or stimulation…a tepid glass of water resting undisturbed on a table. Upon closer inspection and dissection, however, you will find that this luke warm temperature, while accurate, is actually a natural and inverted mask to the reality of it’s contents; a sharp combination of boiling water, and ice water, which have come together in such a perfect ratio as to yield what appears to be neutral warmth.

In this regard, I am utterly alone, as I have never physically encountered a single human being who shares a nature that is conflicted to such a perfect degree as to merit an eternally calm mental disposition. Most individuals are resigned to one particular set of convictions, or are conflicted in some areas that are generally petty and infrequent. This persistent state of torment is both maddening and quieting, and the delicate balance therein, if upset, could represent devastating consequences. I have, from time to time, found my internal focus to be unusually acute, erratically and temporarily falling somewhere specific along the broad spectrum of my perceptions, rather than it’s usual state of a wide all-encompassing position, which I’ll elaborate on in a moment. Should this acute focus ever find itself hewn to any one perspective in particular, it would undoubtedly spell my inevitable collapse….for while I have climbed the heavens and caught glimpses of the face of God through the fabric of reality, I have also drifted into the utterly misbegotten depths of despair and loathing, and stood face to face with the impervious face of inevitability lurking horribly therein. To be forever bound to either vision would result in a guaranteed disconnection from all means of sanity and worldly affairs.

To illuminate my concept of a "wide perception" you have to imagine what I can only describe as the impossible. Try saying two words at once, on top of one another, as though they were audio bits laid over one another. Apply this concept to an initial thought-reaction to any given situation, when both simultaneous reactions are always in pairs, and always perfect opposites of one another. For instance:

 

…when crossing a bridge, and passing children peering over the railing, I am compelled to instruct them to be extra careful, less they fall…while, at the same time, I am forced to suffocate an equally appealing urge to throw them over the railing myself…

…when I see a woman, I wish to both protect and preserve her, looking her only in the eyes, and doing my best to make her time in my vicinity as enjoyable as possible, before seeing her permanently out of my life, out of a respect for her choice in path and action…yet at the same time I suffer an urge to throw her to the ground and drag her into the darkness to rape, torture, and hang her..

 

Everything I create, like this very piece of writing that you’re reading, I create with the purpose of later destroying it. Even as a child I would build things out of sand and blocks with the soul intention of having something to break; something that wouldn’t be missed, something of my own. For while I suffer a simulations urge to both create and destroy in all cases, the natural balance spawned from these perfectly opposing pulls prevents me from interfering with any external elements, in any way, for better or worse. It is only the things that I possess that I allow myself the satisfaction of reshaping and destroying.